“Comedian” Leno to Testify for Jackson Defense

Let’s see, what’s in the news today? Eh, you might have seen this story. It seems that, eh, the vacuous host of the profoundly unfunny Tonight Show, Jay Leno, was, eh, called to the witness stand to testify for… his crimes against comedy. No but seriously folks, Leno was subpoenaed by the defense in the MJ trial. Apparently they think Leno can help them out with the account of a solicitation call he received from the plaintiffs. Leno will be sweating on the stand more than the Pope and Bill Clinton at Pamela Anderson’s house for a Desperate Housewives party. No need for floatation devices in that pool! Am I right, Kevin? Ooowee, that’s right, massa! And here’s a funny headline: “For Sale: 12-speed dike, $125.” I wonder what speed she likes best, if you get my drift! See, it’s funny because it says “dike,” when it should say “bike.” Stupid proofreaders. Now let’s ask this lady walking down Melrose if she can spell “Schwarzenegger.” I bet the idiot can’t even spell it!

At press time, there was no word on which of the 4,396 cars Leno owns drove him up to Santa Maria.

UPDATED: The Smoking Gun has a report on Leno’s testimony, including the nauseating detail that he left the witness stand by announcing to the courtroom that Renee Zellweger is on tonight’s show.