On Friday, the MTA will introduce #399, a non-emergency mobile phone number motorists can use for roadside assistance on Los Angeles County freeways. It’s anticipated that #399 will reduce the burden on the 911 emergency system which the overly-dramatic seem to be calling whenever they run out of gas or get a flat tire.

Totally appreciate the effort–if you don’t have AAA this beats the hell out of walking a quarter of a mile to the nearest call box. But where will the quick-dial numbers end? #622 for unruly neighbors? #794 for potholes?

Why not just link this service to 311? One number, all city services, no confusion. Is someone going to lose their life within the next hour? Dial 911. No? 311. Easy peasy.

UPDATE: Brian from the LAFD reports that the City of Los Angeles has had a 311 system since November 2002. It’s time to get the word out. Graffiti removal, bee control, Christmas tree recycling, taking down shoes from utility lines, permits, Japanese Garden rental and more are just three digits away.

Fresh after drafting 17-year old phenom Andrew Bynum, the Lakers continue a trend for young blood and announce 26-year old Spero Dedes as their new radio play-by-play man. Dedes comes to the Lakers from NBA-TV, so suffice to say no one knows a thing about him.

His hiring comes after the steady Paul Sunderland was let go from the TV broadcasts (Joel Myers was bumped up from radio to take his place; some of the more hysterical–is there any other kind?–sports talk radio guys viewed this as a careerist backstabbing of sorts.) No exact reason was specified as to why Sundy was passed over, but it probably was decided with same myopic market research logic the Dodgers applied when uncermoniously disposing of longtime broadcaster Ross Porter this year.

Needless to say the rookie Dedes will feel the long shadow of Chick Hearn’s big shoes. The deep lament for the passing of Chick is more than mere nostalgia; his skill was apparent right up until the end–he did games until age 83 (just 47 years to go, Spero!) In the meantime, you can check out this page to see just how many phrases that are part of the current basketball vernacular were invented by Chicky.

Driving to San Diego in horrid traffic is not my typical idea of a well-spent Friday afternoon. But the organizers of this year’s San Diego Street Scene have managed to put together an amazing and diverse lineup. So despite the road rage I’ll likely encounter, I’m trekking south on I-5 that weekend.

Tickets run $49.50 (single day) and $75 (two-days) and parking is $15. There will also be a limited number of VIP tickets available for $300/pair (which includes 2 laminates, free parking both days, VIP stage with secret bands, full bar with food and drink, VIP lounge with pool tables and games, upgraded bathrooms, and a VIP entrance. For the cleaner bathrooms alone, I recommend you go for the VIP treatment.

Check out this incredible lineup…
Friday: The White Stripes, The Killers, Social Distortion, Black Eyed Peas, Garbage, Flogging Molly, Louis XIV, Hot Hot Heat, Rise Against, Kasabian, Autolux, The (International) Noise Conspiracy: The Adolescents, Morningwood, Hard-Fi.
VIP Stage: Dead 60’s, Trans-Global Underground, Something for Rockets, Mocean Worker.

Saturday: Pixies, Snoop Dogg, Flaming Lips, 311, Dashboard Confessional, The Used, Method Man, Unwritten Law, Death Cab for Cutie, Von Bondies, Mixmaster Mike, Spoon, Swollen Members, The Locust, The Perceptionists
VIP Stage: Particle, Viva Voce, Gram Rabbit, and more

Get your tickets now!

War of the worlds for $14? No thank you… BUT… the first theatre to broadcast that oprah segment on the bigscreen gets my $14 immediately. It’s better than a workout. Say it with me in rhythm people,
….
Do the cruise. Do the cruise. Do the cruuuuuuuize! Pump the fist. Now jump the couch. Jump the couch. Do the cruuuuuuuize now choke the oprah. Kneel the floor. Pumpa fist. Now do the cruise. Do the cruise.

Calling all Laemmles, all AMCs, all Manns, all Arclights (all one of you), all Vistas, all Regents, all theatres damn you! Do the cruise! I’ll pay! (’Do the cruise’ line courtesy the regularly brilliant defamer)

AMC Theaters is so confident that Cinderella Man is one of the finest movies of the year that they are offering a money-back guarantee if you don’t agree.

When the theater manager asks why you didn’t enjoy the movie, feel free to use one of these excuses:

• Too derivative
• Too predictable
• Not feel-good enough
• No Stallone
• Fell asleep
• In constant fear I’d get hit with phone
• Too Formulaic
• Too Anachronistic: At one point - given as 1933 - Braddock reports a dream of dining at the Ritz with Mickey Rooney. Then only 13, Mickey Rooney was in the film business but not a name to recognize in Braddock’s slum. He starred in a series of comedy shorts at the time, but going by the name of Mickey McGuire. Only from the late 1930s through the 1940s would Mickey Rooney become a top star and household name.
• Spite
• I deserve better

Take the Cinderella Man Challenge at the AMC in Westwood, Century City or Burbank.

Starbucks will be dishing out free ice cream Wednesday. Their promo photo makes it look like you’re going to get seven heaping scoops in a giant bowl, but the fine print says you get 4 oz. or less.

While you’re waiting in line be sure to convince yourself that you actually do like the taste of Starbucks coffee and that you haven’t succumbed to pressure from brand bullies.

Find the nearest Starbucks (or just step outside and walk three blocks in any direction).

UPDATE: Victor went ahead and waited in line for a sample. Check out his photo. The Starbucks giveaway looks to be just slightly larger than the free miniature pink spoon samples they hand out at Baskin-Robbins. Also notice his wooden spatula cracked in half and a tine broke off his plastic fork as a result of over-freezing the goods. Thanks Starbucks!

More info on how 20-year-old burglary suspect Francisco “Junior” Puemas broke out of the LAPD’s 77th Division lockup from the LA Times this morning.

1) Junior took a penny, sharpened it and began chipping at a holding cell wall made of drywall and mesh.

2) Puemas intentionally became a nuisance to officers by asking “inane” questions, in order to lull them into ignoring him, said LAPD Capt. Bill Murphy.

“He would say all kinds of stuff, like ‘Hey, I want food.’ He engaged whoever he could in conversation” Murphy said. “He was real smart, he was really street smart. He knew how to engage people and aggravate them. That was part of his plan.”

3) With annoyed officers not paying attention to him, Puemas cut a hole 15 inches by 9 inches with his sharpened penny into the front of the holding cell.

4) He crawled through and made his way down a corridor about 18 feet from the watch commander’s office.

5) Junior went through two interior doors and then through a fire door with an alarm that has not worked in more than a year.

“That door, unfortunately, led into 77th Street,” Murphy said.

How do we know all the details? Junior was picked up a day later, and proud of his escape, eagerly shared with police details about how he did it.

Visit our concert calendar for a complete list of shows, links to buy tickets and our picks.

***Recommended Show of the Week***
Ozomatli @ Cal Plaza
Kick off the long weekend with a free outdoor concert by LA groovemeisters Ozomatli. Wear your dancing pants–anything these guys touch turns to party. Friday at 8.

MONDAY
Me’shell Ndegeocello @ El Rey
Rachid Taha @ Knitting Factory
Nathan Larson @ Amoeba (free)
Foreign Born @ Spaceland

TUESDAY
Archticture in Helsinki @ Echo
Dustin O’Halloran @ Tangier
Backyard Babies @ Troubadour

WEDNESDAY
Maximo Park, Blood Arm @ Troubadour
Fountains of Wayne (Acoustic) @ Largo

THURSDAY
Fountains of Wayne (Acoustic) @ Largo
Helio Sequence, Rogue Wave @ Knitting Factory
Afrirampo, Scout Niblett @ Knitting Factory
Japanther @ Smell
Architecture in Helsinki @ Sea Level Records (free)
Ditty Bops @ Spaceland
Dub Side of the Moon @ Santa Monica Pier (free)

FRIDAY
Ozomatli @ Cal Plaza (free)
Ditty Bops @ McCabe’s

SATURDAY
Fuck Yeah Fest @ Echo
DJ Quik @ House of Blues
Annie @ Virgin Sunset (free)

SUNDAY
Annie @ Standard Downtown

Halloween is four months away, but if you can’t wait to dress in costume, the Carnevale! Venice Beach Festival is the place to be Saturday. The festivities, inspired by the Italian Carnevale, run from noon to 10pm and celebrate the diverse culture and arts within Venice Beach. There will be live music and DJs, food and vendor booths, and live performances including rock/jazz/blues, belly dancers and fire-spinners. In true Carnevale spirit, Jeff Costa, creator of the increasingly popular cardio-striptease, will be performing. The event is free and everyone is encouraged to arrive in a colorful costume. A masquerade afterparty caps the evening ($10 w/costume, $15 without).

Carnevale
June 25, 2005 - Noon to 10:00 p.m.
On Windward Circle in Venice Beach
At Main & Windward 1 Block East of the Boardwalk
map and directions

Illegal Space Race is the fourth and final of Monochrom’s Experience the Experience projects in LA. Simply put this is a car race through LA conducted in the name of science-art. Monochrom will place the planets true to scale throughout the Los Angeles cityscape and the team that finishes the 20-mile course first wins an interplanetary trophy. God, I love this idea.

Planetary scientists will be on hand to calculate exactly where within the Milky Way you were when the Earth Police caught you doing light speed.

Meet at Machine Project
Saturday June 25th 2pm
1200 D North Alvarado Street
213-483-8761
map and directions

Waiting for the right time to get that Virgin of Guadalupe towering over a lowrider chest tattoo? You’re in luck–the 2nd Annual Long Beach Tattoo and Music Festival at the Queen Mary takes place today through Sunday.

With 180 top artists from all over the world, rebel-conformists and conformist-rebels should have no problem inking tribal arm bands, Chinese shoulder characters, lower back butterflies or ankle clownfish.

Head on down to enjoy the BBQ and full bar and check out the cirque performers, flash contest, live music and Kustom carshow. More enterprising individuals can enter one of thirteen tattoo contest categories.

Word of advice: no matter how much in love you think you are right now, do NOT get a tattoo of your boyfriend or girlfriend’s name! And in the event of a serious lapse in judgment, trained professionals will be on hand to remove your masterpiece.

Two kids from the Canadian public TV series Degrassi, The Next Generation are doing an in-store tomorrow at Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash in Westwood. They’ll be on hand to take pics with fans and sign copies of the Degrassi Season Two box-set. I’m not sure how or why Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes got involved with this, but they’ll be there too. Joey Jeremiah, Snake and Wheels will not be in attendance.

The real draw here will be seeing the die-hard Degrassi fans. Trekkies/Trekkers are easy targets for being obsessive, but their franchise is epic in nature so I can understand. What I want to see are the folks who will travel long distances to take a photo with the goth chick and the in-the closet teen from an after-school special where everyone speaks with a slightly skewed accent.

Degrassi TNG DVD Signing
Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash
Saturday, June 25, 2:00 p.m.
1045 Westwood Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90024

map and driving directions

Here we have it, Ryan’s smug and unjustified quickie reviews of today’s modern and largely caucasian rock bands. Special coverage of all of today’s “the” bands…the shins, the killers, the bravery, the strokes, the rapture, the walkmen, the kaiser chiefs, the jalapenos, the stallones, the…

The Killers: Contrived.
Faint: Too electro.
Futureheads: Too fast.
Arcade Fire: Who’d've guessed they did that one shitty song I always thought was from the Modest Mouse cd I stopped listening to? Otherwise, not so bad.
Kaiser Chiefs: I predict a riot.
The Thrills: Worst band of the last 20 years. ‘Big Sur’ = worst song of the last 150 years. Poor Man’s Belle and Sebastian. Worst lead singer voice in the history of lead singer voices.
The Kills: Merge the killers and the thrills and you get the kills. Merge their reviews and you get the most contrived and worst band of the last 20 years. Do the math, you can’t argue with math.
Si Se: I saw you, walking in the rain. You were solidly 5% listenable.
Sam Prekop: Should be our national spokesperson. 90% listenability.
Kasabian: New mancunian. New and unimpressive.
Rapture: Bad rip-off artists. Unlistenable. Blatant theft of Bowie’s ‘five years’ made me turn it off.
Mando Diao: Worthless. Utterly without merit.
Stellastarr*: Is the girl a hottie? Maybe hottie-but-not-quite-shirley-manson-level of “band chick hottie”? I just can’t tell, my co-co-co.
Muse: When head is full of last night’s alcohol, this band can bring me to tears. 85-90% listenability on a hangover. 30-40% all other times.
Doves: Not shabby. See muse notes.
Broken Social Scene: Just couldn’t get past their horrible album title and trite band name. On the upside at least they are not a “the” band i.e. the broken social scenes.
Ambulance LTD: Boring but listenable. Good to do work to. Once.
LCd Soundsystem: Pass.
Walkmen: Great.
Bravery: Truly horrible - and I bought it. Go back to bad ska, mister what’s-your-name. Rubbish.
Hives: Ok for a 20-minute album. The second song is begging to be played in a bad austin powers commercial. It’s bad. I was talked into buying Tyrannosaurus Hives by my hairstylist and later realized I already had it on iPod. Never listen to either version.
Secret Machines: Worst lyricist on the planet. And I bought it. Another hairstylist tip. Shame.
Kings of Leon: Both albums rock the fucking house. You will not convince me otherwise. They look like 12-year-olds and they rock.
Bloc Party: Not bad. First half can be good. 50-60% listenability. That song about gas has to go.
Black Keys: Can rock. Very derivative and white. Give me the real deal. In lieu of that, ok these white guys. 30% listenability.
Shins: Good. Please stop playing country. Wait - ok, you can play some country but let’s not make it the focus guys.
Bees: This album is being released stateside at the end of the week. Sorry to pan it in advance but a survey of UK version says 20% listenability - akin to listening to an album by those people that sang ‘kites are fun’ - brief, novel, and ultimately soulless.
Kings of Convenience: As much as I like the KoC, I admit both albums are about 20% listenability max.
Spoon: Bad name. As such the music reminds me of taking medicine as a lad.
Jet: 10% listenability awarded for re-christening roll over beethoven into a modern-day oft-annoying stomper.
My Morning Jacket: They are in danger of rating high on the smug factor. 70% listenability and declining in direct proportion to the smugincrease.
Polyphonic Spree: Tripping Daisy, I miss you. Lose the robes and work on the songs Tim.
Dears: I like them, what of it. Me and the Moz we’re fans.
Air: RoboGeniusLove. Last album is the worst. 10,000hZ is their crown jewel and you will never convince me otherwise so don’t try.
Postal Service: 70% listenability. Much better than when iron and wine covers them.
Iron and Wine: Great when not covering the postal service. Have yet to actually finish hearing any full album; unable to stay awake.
Raveonettes: Blah, the cup I tried was very bland. First song was good. The next 19 songs all sounded like the first song but slightly worse.
White Stripes: Bleh. Saw them for $5 in downtown LA playing to a crowd of 20 people in 2000. Jack = great. Meg = horrid.
Dandy Warhols: Yech! Two good songs out of 15-odd years making music? How long have they been around?
Brian Jonestown Etc…I once downloaded their entire catalog, free, from the official band site. 100% props for this. How are they making money?
Strokes: Still like ‘em, but can’t stomach the bland live show. 50% listenability for the second album. 40% for the first. 0% for live.
Interpol: Good 60% listenable album. Get out — they have a second album? Why? And ew! Carlos bassist slinking around on stage = bad visual for later cd listenings.
I am the world trade center: 15% listenability.
I am Kloot: No, you are the world trade center - didn’t you read above.
Har Mar SuperStar: Oh please just go away, chubby pauly shore guy.
Hot Hot Heat: Always confuse them with Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Don’t listen to either. Wait - Yeahs has a girl singer. Yep, don’t listen to either.
Morgan Geist / Metro Area: Unclassic with a solid 45% listenability.
Cat Power: Listenable. Nothing more or less. You don’t blame me.
Liz Phair: That one song about “why can’t” killed her for me. Actually everything after whip-smart killed her for me.
Dean Wareham: Can do no foreseeable wrong.
Jimmy Gnecco/Ours: Good set of pipes. Live shows create a massive urging in my chest to throw roses and chant “jimmy smits! Smits!” for some reason.
Ash: Not bad. Live shows create massive urge to shout “Ash! Aaaaaash!” for obvious reasons.
Graham Coxon: Bad name reminds me of grade school snacking. Bad blur-less band.
Beck: Way more smug than me. He’s been recently tainted in my book due to the infamous ‘ticket sale incident’ in february 2005 followed by a scientology tsunami benefit show that lasted all of 20 minutes.
Damien Rice: crooned me to sweet tears of boredom and harmony. Props for cello usage.
Ed Harcourt: Makes me want to shout “Ed!!! Ed!!!!! Aaaaaaash! Smits!” live
Starsailor: 70% rubbish until the techno remixes magically transform them into 60% listenable.
Black Rebel Moto-Cross Club: Were sort of boring in a jesus and mary chain way.
Scissor Sisters: Excellent. 10% listenability subtracted for unnecessary pink floyd cover.
Snow Patrol: Left me extraordinarily bored.
Zutons: Left me sort of bored.
Franz Ferdinand: Saw them at wiltern. What in the hell is the big deal about. Stood next to beck. Beck looked happy. I just looked smug and pissed off. 10% listenability awarded for two short parts of two different songs. The rest is pure chaff.
Libertines: Almost 1/2 as good as the clash were 25 years ago. What’s this about a second album and the one guy now being in babyshambles? Ah not worth the bother. Piss off.
The Darkness: Are you freaking joking me. Yes, you are.
Keane: 5% listenability. Points only for the “everybody’s changing, and soon I’ll be 21″ song. A few bonus points for the “we might as well be strangers” song sounding eerily like a bad eric carmen moment from the late 70s. I could get into that, yeah. And that’s what scares me the most.
Madlib: Can do no wrong. Will never do wrong. Even when the latest quas album sounds so smoked out I can’t stomach it - I know that deep down something is being enriched and definitely doing no wrong. 100% listenability even when I hate it.
M. Ward: I keep referencing Waits when describing. Must not be all bad. 40% listenability.
Bright Eyes: Nowhere approaching Dylan. STOP SAYING THAT. Not every generation gets a Dylan and if we do get one it is not this guy. Acoustic: 7-10% listenability; upgraded to 65% when with full band.
Joseph Arthur: Props for the massive power outage at the troubadour. 30% listenability. Can veer higher if Jon Brion plays but doesn’t sing.
Jack Johnson: Alongside Tony Bennett, has the honor of being on the short list of people who have literally put me to sleep at a concert. Is that so bad?
Black Jack Johnson: Is really a secret name for mos def. Name does not mean he is an african american surfer folksinger. Saw at coachella once. Unrelated to the one that put me to sleep. Props.
DJ Shadow: Falls under electronic / DJ list and that means we are getting off-topic and it is time to stop.

Ok - that’s the list, folks. I expect hate mail so don’t disappoint. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go fix a cup of smug tea and listen to my eno LPs in the nude.

El Segundo-based toymaker Mattel and Clear Channel are casting for the role of a human Barbie to star in a Broadway musical.

“Barbie Live in Fairytopia!,” which will play in 80 North American cities beginning next spring, is based on Mattel’s successful “Fairytopia” direct-to-video feature starring an animated Barbie.

I pray to god that someone has the common sense to film the open call auditions for general distribution. FOX execs, are you listening? 40-20-35 blonde chicks trying to sing, act and dance? This one’s a layup.

I’m trying to subscribe to Sly Magazine from Amazon.com. The problem? The magazine they have listed from publishing company Sly Magazine, LLC, available right here with three testimonials about the Stallone-laden content, is in reality a magazine all about women’s shoes…

…which is a shame, really, because I was quite looking forward to receiving a magazine that “doesn’t weigh itself down with psuedo-intellectual crusades about politics (sic) like ‘Esquire’.”

More info

Brutally funny critique review of the other Sly magazine

Tonight at 8, Monochrom will pour several gallons of Coca Cola into a pot and boil it down until the residue left behind can be molded into a brick. Seriously, how can you go wrong here?

Machine Project
Tuesday June 21th 8pm
1200 D North Alvarado Street
Los Angeles, CA 90026
213-483-8761
map and directions