Flaccid LA Times Now Softer, Shorter

After five years of sagging circulation and advertising revenue, new management at the Los Angeles Times is pushing for shorter stories as well as more coverage of Hollywood and celebrities. What else will the LA Times do to appeal to the masses and increase subscriptions?

• Replace front page lead photo with Family Circus cartoon
• Invest heavily in local H. Salt and Long John Silvers chains. Once revitalized, force franchises to serve fish and chips wrapped in the Times.
• Bring cutting edge technology to the Obituaries section with publicly editable Wikibituaries
• Instead of Finance section stock quotes, list quotes from Family Guy
• Copy LA Weekly’s advertising model and publish hundreds of transvestite hookers ads
• Offer free parakeet with each new subscription ensuring long-term demand for newspaper as cage lining