Title pretty much says it all. 4th and Hill, 16 December 2005. Pigeons running rampant. Call them what you will: Filthy disease-carrying pests, swooping, waddling, loud, obnoxious flying rats. I may have once considered buying Terror Eyes to get them off my balcony, but I maintain they’re nowhere near as bad as gulls, which are downright bullies and thieves. I’ve seen gulls tear people’s beach bags apart. I’ve seen them eat and steal more food than any other type of bird. True story from my beach-dwelling days: I felt a hunger inside. Went to Tommy’s at Pico and Lincoln, Santa Monica. Ordered up some chili fries. You’ll recall Tommy’s is a good eight blocks from the shore, but like the homeless waifs that seem drawn to this particular corner, the gulls always know where food can be found. I placed my fries on a table. Turned around and walked literally two feet for a napkin and hot pepper. Turned back around to witness a gull with his beak buried. Buried, buried, in my fries. Beak rooting and digging into the chili, totally engrossed, totally having his way with my his food. Fuck you, gull. Fuck you all. These downtown pigeons are ok in my book.

Bonus Pigeons: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven.

When I was growing up the tradition in my family is that we always got our Christmas tree on my birthday – December 20th, and I got to pick it out. When I was in first grade my parents cut loose and actually let me pick out a flocked tree. Getting a flocked tree is Southern California’s version of having a white Christmas.

We didn’t put lights on it because my worrywart mother was afraid it would catch on fire and burn the house down. Is flocking flammable? We never got one again. But every year, without fail, I dream of having a flocked tree. So this year, darn it, I’ve made up my mind – I’m going to get one! I’m not talking about the ordinary Christmas tree lot variety – a white one – oh no! Been there done that! I want a tree flocked in color – turquoise would be my first choice but I would gleefully settle for mint green, periwinkle blue, lavender, peach or pink.
And that brings me to this week’s slide taken at the

ALCOA ALUMINUM COMPANY, LOS ANGELES, 1955.
Nine lovely lady employees are beautifully uniformed in classic shirtwaist dresses in one of two shades of blue-bright and light. Their white collars, cuffs and breast-pocket trim match the winter white coveralls that the lone gentleman wears so well with black shoes and socks. In the foreground a brown paper bag, probably with someone’s lunch in it, sits on a stained wood desk. In the background a honey blond wood paneled wall and a variety of glossy green houseplants. The centerpiece is unlike any Christmas tree I’ve ever had the joy of seeing. It’s not only flocked, it’s flocked in two-tone pink. The higher it goes the pinker it gets! Christmas inspires so much creativity.

In a half-dozen online dictionaries I looked up flock and not one of them had a definition that had anything to do with a flocked Christmas tree. Flocking is a rare thing. In fact there aren’t a lot of flocked things in this world. Paper must’ve been the thing that was flocked – wallpaper. And God knows we all love flocked wallpaper – especially flocked foil wallpaper! Besides the occasional flocked Christmas tree and fancy flocked wallpaper the only other flocked thing that I can think of are those little bobber-head dogs that people used to have on the package tray between the back seat and the back window of their car.

What is the history of flocking anyway? Who flocked the first tree? We rarely do the flocking ourselves. We let someone else flock for us. But for those who do want to flock themselves you can you can get a can of flock. Yes, flocking comes in an aerosol can. Oh, then that must mean that flocked trees are bad for the ozone? So we wear sun block on the 4th of July so we can have a flocked tree for Christmas.

Here’s to Flocking and you!
Charles Phoenix

Visit Charles’ site, God Bless Americana, or join his Yahoo Group.

(Note: This is the second iteration of losanjealous’ Ma Dang Gook Soo restaurant review. Read the first here. –ed.)

Indeed Ryan is right when he restated (sic) how I don’t like Korean food. I mean, I like the popular standards of kalbi (galbi) and bulgogi, and I like the occasional side dish that are like free appetizers (panchan –ed.), especially the sliced hot dogs in ketchup served with sesame seeds served specifically at the Korean restaurant next door to my old workplace on Wilshire and Harvard where there is a Japanese or is it Korean school room theme, I digress. (??? –ed.)

The clam soup noodle dish was good. (Gook soo –ed.) Definitely not bad, and it was better than Ryan’s sweet Asian spaghetti dish with other strange flavors in it. I’m a hot food eater, if I had the choice between a cold sandwich and one with melted cheese, I’d choose the melted cheese. More flavors come out when the food is heated. Just like my baked goods, I’d rather have a warm brownie or cookie more so than a room temperature one. Apologies, I digress even further.
»continue reading Profile: Ma Dang Gook Soo, aka Intern Does Not Contest Ryan’s Beratement / Review

As the development surrounding it nears completion, the once-thriving Jay’s Jayburger shack remains standing, hoping beyond hope to one day again be able to serve up steaming egg-and-chili-topped midnight masterpieces to drunken eastsiders.

If you, like me, were a latchkey kid in the LA area in the 80s, you may well have passed more than a few, or perhaps a few hundred, post-school afternoons watching cartoons. I spent countless blissful hours of my tender youth vegetating in this manner, but if you asked me to recount the plot of a single Voltron or G.I. Joe episode, I’d draw a blank (except for the Scooby-Doo where Phyllis Diller guest-starred).

What do I remember? The commercials. Not all of them of course, but the really good ones, the ones with the themes and the jingles that bring back the smoggy-lunged, air conditioned, TV-brainmushed afternoons like they were yesterday. And to my surprise, I found that I’m not alone in this. I went to college on the east coast, and whenever I ran into anyone from southern California, all I had to do was sing a few bars of the Pete Ellis Dodge jingle and baby – we had a stew goin’. Instant cultural camaraderie – like the ethnicity I always wanted but never had.

I’ll begin with perhaps the most famous and beloved of all these commercials, the Cal Worthington genre. Cal is a car-selling cowboy; the closest visual equivalent I can think of is the Sam Elliott character in Lebowski. Cal was a throwback to the days when California still had a bit of a wild-west aesthetic, though why he bought ad space for his several Ford dealerships during children’s cartoons remains unclear to me.

The genius of the Worthington commercials was severalfold. First was their jingle – a simply and catchy tune that wormed its way into your head like a weevil, based on its uncanny similarity to the camp ditty “If You’re Happy and You Know It.” Even trickier was his lyrical sleight of hand. The song’s chorus “Go see Cal” was often replaced with the sound-alike nonsense phrase “Pussycow” so that impressionable young viewers such as myself were titillated. Did Cal just say “pussy”? Is there something adult-themed going on at Worthington Ford? I swore years ago to find out, but never got around to it.

The Cal Worthington commercials stuck in the adolescent brain also thanks to their thematic bait-and-switch. The introduction to these ads invariably promised “Cal Worthington and his dog Spot”yet the animal accompanying Cal was never a dog. It was an elephant, a tiger, a goat, or some other god-forsaken fauna, but the promised dog never materialized. Watching these ads as a nine-year-old, I first realized: grownups are filthy, filthy liars.

To be fair to Cal, though, making these commercials was hard work, because showbiz animals, like human actors, piss all over you. The difference is that with animals it’s not merely a euphemism. Cal braved both a mighty geyser of elephant urine and a close-up stream of baby-goat whiz to bring us these classic ads. Thanks pardner. And for what it’s worth, Cal’s business still appears to be going strong, and while I may have an unhealthy obsession with the guy, at least I’m not as stalker-y as the person who created this cyberhagiography.

With massive square footage and select few wares, the Los Angeles outpost of NYC’s venerable Turntable Lab opened quietly last Friday, December 9, at 424 ½ n. Fairfax.

Vinyl offerings are comprised of a ‘groovedaddy niche market’: Stones Throw, Ubiquity, Domino, Mo’ Wax, Ninja Tune titles and the like. Hip-hop new releases and a few full-length chestnuts (old Kruder/Dorfmeister, AIR et al) round out the initially meager selection.

From their website:

This location offers everything our Manhattan store plus more. (sic)

Grammar aside, what ‘more’ are we talking about here aside from more empty square footage? Here’s hoping they fill that space with something. People shaking their booties, if nothing else. Maybe that’s where the ‘lab’ is going to go, who knows.

Turntable Lab is the latest in a number of Melrose-styled boutiques opening along the Fairfax corridor. Stores such as Supreme (replete with fully-functional skate bowl) and Reserve, which held an overly-crowded reception for director/designer Mike Mills in September, are steadily pushing ancient Jewish storefronts elsewhere. Last August the Times ran a fairly lengthy article about such stores squeezing out the tenants who can no longer afford the rent. I’d love to be able to point you to the article but alas, it seems to have disappeared. Here’s the recap from curbed.

I’ve long been a fan of the NYC branch of this store. Now that I’ve got one within walking distance, here’s hoping Turntable Lab can resist becoming fossilized as long as possible. My virgin purchase? Four Tet & LA’s own Sa-Ra Creative Partners, Sun Drums and Soil EP.

From the surface, this intern concept looked to be one big wash. I need performers. Focus. Commitment. Intern was running unchecked all over hill and dale with three-sentence Zagat reviews and buzzwords. One voice, three sentences, forty directions in ASCII. Undaunted, I’d scheduled a face-to-face summit in Koreatown and flaked at the last minute. Weeks went by. Seasons changed. Ultimately our schedules collided. A window opened. Dinner was planned. Over a bowl of watery kimchi I faced the intern with stern eyes.

I found myself in rare form, dictating to Mair the Intern while she took notes over noodles, rambling on to her about her commitment level and how we’d change the title of her column to “Mair’s Best”, and how we’d start with the best ketchup in Los Angeles, and how she’d have to visit somewhere between 50 and 150 restaurants over a span of years, noting Heinz vs. Hunts, mfgr’s squeeze bottle vs. mfgr’s glass bottle vs. diner squeeze bottle vs. individual packets self-serve vs. individual packets allotted by venue staff vs. spigot-and-tub with tiny paper cup, whose is watery, whose is thick, who has the best consistency, who refrigerates, who recycles and consolidates bottles (yech!), whose is tangiest, whose has a hint of smoky barbeque, who uses off-brands, who offers tapatillo, etc etc ad infinitum ad nauseum. I should never be allowed a real-life intern, ever. Take note. My version of the night’s meal follows.

Me: Mair, Pay Attention.

Mair pulls out notebook and pencil and begins to take notes.

Me: My Brit-voiced friend tells me of a Chinese sandwich purveyor in a Woodland Hills mall just off Oxnard, proffering all manner of ketchups– upwards of sixteen or so– some with pepper, some with jalapeno…point being, said purveyor may potentially be the ketchup mecca of west valley. Could it be true? These are the types of things you’ll be expected to answer in the months to come.
Mair: Ok.
Me: Also. I need you to put me in touch with all of the crazies you know. Could be something there. Take for example the guy who puts on the light show at Canter’s, nightly, roughly 12:35. I want an interview. I’ve tried to talk to him. He’s not having it. Hey, cheers. You, sir. Cheers. Lightshow: Cheers. Hey, by the way what the holy good goddamnhell is up with the two flaming shots of Wild Turkey capped by 151 and the disco rave blue light in the club soda? What’s with the suits you wear? It’s one in the morning, did you just get off work? Etc.
»continue reading Profile: Ma Dang Gook Soo, aka Ryan Berates His Intern

#11: the Starbucks at Pico and Robertson

Faithful readers. I write you from the abyss. Correct. Pico and Robertson. A sensational Starbucks with an arcing window gleams on the intersection like the smile of an oil baron. Everyone is vivid today. It looks as if scissors had cut people from the sidewalk. These machines streak the streets and strange wheels twist the arms of the people inside. I bought a magazine called Life that had an article on jazz.

I know I sound high but I assure you it’s the goldenrod aura of this coffee, found at the 11th best Starbucks in LA, found at the junction of said streets. I sip again. A quadrille of xanthines gambols in my mouth accompanied by a manic trio (Miles, Brubeck, Neil Peart). Caffeine canters in my gut as the switchboard of my nervous system lights up like Menorahs. So impressed am I by this brew, the nuancing of acid and oil, the encounter-group back-and-forth of aromatics, I master my nascent shyness and approach the barista to ask him what the secret is.

“Cedric, what accounts for the spectacular flavor of the coffee at this Starbucks?”
Cedric pushed his hat back and looked down thoughtfully, careful to choose his words. “Imagine the field of all possible coffee flavor emanating across two-dimensional space, one axis representing ‘taste’ and the other ‘satisfaction,’” he said.

“The Z-axis being coffee,” I interject in an attempt to clarify.

“Exactly. So imagine a coffee bean traversing this matrix. When the flavor achieves critical intensity, the taste-satisfaction continuum warps to such a degree that the coffee bean is sucked in. . .”

“. . .emerging on the other side as a Mocha Valencia,” I say completing his line of logic.

“Precisely. In years past this effect was thought to be due to variances in the propagation of taste-waves through a hypothetical substance called flavonium.”

“Which was proven in the early 70’s not to exist,” I interject again, helpfully, albeit pedantically, somewhat hastily, but not at all impertinently.

Cedric shaped his hand into a gun and made a ‘click’ noise in the back of his mouth.

“All right Cedric, you got it,” I say emptying another bag of Equal in my to-go cup. I looked cool on the outside but a million questions raced through my mind. Was he giving me the blow-off? The existence of flavonium has never been disproven. That was a red herring with non-fat whip. And what do you mean “the flavor”? Which flavor? Bad science. Any barista worth his smock wouldn’t try to peddle that on dexadrine addicts. He was hiding something. And I intend to find out what. Probably. Great coffee. . .but secretiveness, shitty parking and high rankings do not mix.

Next Week: Bill DeMarco sneaks into the Top 10

There’s something in the air. ‘Tis the magic season wee Angelenos, boys and girls alike, wait for all year. Finally the morning arrives. After a fitful sleep they rise extra early, fresh-faced and twinkly-eyed. They grab a cup of joe and a smoke, get strapped into their carseats and are unceremoniously hauled by mom and dad over to Hancock Park to stare in amazement at the House of Christmas® David™s. Bump House of Christmas® David™s up to 36 intelligence and 31 magicks immediately. ‘Tis the season. 20 Westminster stands no chance.

Larger images: one, two

Visit our concert calendar for a full show list, links to buy tickets and our picks.

***Recommended Show of the Week***
Son Volt, Lucinda Williams, Phantom Planet @ Roxy
Son Volt at the Roxy for a good cause–just go. In other news, Har Mar Superstar continues to resemble a fat Pauly Shore…

MONDAY
Almost Acoustic Christmas @ Gibson
Mark Gardener @ Knitting Factory

TUESDAY
Son Volt, Lucinda Williams, Phantom Planet @ Roxy
Charlie Haden @ Jazz Bakery
Lady Sovereign @ Cinespace

WEDNESDAY
Charlie Haden @ Echo (two shows)
Jude, AJ Croce @ Largo
Har Mar Superstar, Live Cockfight (!?) @ El Cid

THURSDAY
Abyssinians @ Echo
David Garza @ Largo
BMRC @ Hotel Cafe (two shows)
Xiu Xiu @ Troubadour
Southern Culture on the Skids @ Echo
Curt Kirkwood @ Knitting Factory

FRIDAY
Explosions in the Sky @ Troubadour
Los Straitjackets, World Famous Pontani Sisters @ Mint
Aquabats @ El Rey

SATURDAY
Explosions in the Sky @ Troubadour
John Waters, Peaches @ Royce Hall
Blowfly, Rudy Ray Moore @ Knitting Factory
Hepcat @ House of Blues
Kid 606 @ Smell
Sound Directions feat. Madlib/YNQ @ Temple Bar

SUNDAY
Andrew Bird @ Largo
Social Distortion @ House of Blues
Dntel, DJ Nobody @ Spaceland (free)
Hella @ Troubadour

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Lester Williams did the honors. With a simple snip, he marked the end of the Age of the Record Shop Dinosaurs at 10:30 am, November 17th, 2001. Herbivore Wax Recordiocus stood no chance. Not even Jason Bentley’s hourly plugging could save him. He withered and died a quiet death in the middle of 2004: Unwept, unloved, unsung. Years later, paleontologists turn to the fossil record to help piece together the past.

Fossils are the mineralized or otherwise preserved remains — or other traces (such as footprints) — of animals, plants, and other organisms. The totality of fossils and their placement in fossiliferous (fossil-containing) rock formations and sedimentary layers (strata) is known as the fossil record. The study of fossils is called paleontology. (source: wikipedia)

The word fossil is derived from the Latin word fossus, which means “having been dug up”.

Fossils usually consist of traces of the remains of the organism itself. However, fossils may also consist of the marks left behind by the organism while it was alive, such as the footprint or feces of a dinosaur or reptile, or random concrete taggings from the fingers of excitable djs. These types of fossil are called trace fossils, as opposed to body fossils.

Trace fossils are the remains of trackways, burrows, footprints, eggs and egg-shells, nests, and droppings (among other types of impressions). Fossilized droppings, called coprolites, can give insight into the feeding behavior of animals and can therefore be of great importance. Fossilized reclaimed sidewalk, also known as vandalism, can often give insight into who loved who, who wuz once here, and which nearby overhyped and overpriced record store went out of business.
»continue reading Paleontologists Discover Fossilized Remains of Wax Records, Melrose

Pickle Christmas Tree, 1965

This week’s slide isn’t about the murky modern art on the wall, the way under-decorated flocked tree, the pale senior citizens or even the fancy French poodle. No. This slide is ALL about the tinfoil Christmas tree with the edible decorations! This is cooking and crafts coming together in a miracle of harmony. Grandma turns her head in disbelief, grandpa chuckles at it and the poodle stares at it. It is the PICKLE CHRISTMAS TREE, SOMEWHERE USA, 1965. That ring of sweet pickles on the top is almost like a halo. Feel the spirit!

Trying to figure out what to bring to all those smart Holiday parties you’re invited to this ever-so-festive holiday season? Searching for a way to WOW the guests when they see what’s waiting for them at your party? Wonder no more. This is it. It’s SO easy to make. And you can do it, I know you can!

Simply order the Styrofoam cone online. Cover all but the center bottom of the cone with tinfoil – a cousin of not only tinsel but the aluminum Christmas tree too! With peanut butter “glue” the cone down to a 12” vintage plate. Decorate the tree with pearl onions, sweet pickles, black olives, pimento stuffed olives, pummeled carrots and cooked Oscar Meyer cocktail weenies pricked with those wonderful multi-colored toothpicks. Fill the plate to the brim with Bob’s Big Boy blue cheese dressing and just wait for your head to swell from all the compliments you’re going to get!

Some of you may remember the ASTRO WEENIE BALL slide of the week from last Fourth of July. This is what inspired it. The photographer may have called it “The Pickle Christmas Tree” but it’s much more fun to call it the ASTRO WEENIE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Here’s to you and your AWCT!
Charles Phoenix

Visit Charles’ site, God Bless Americana, or join his Yahoo Group.

John Lennon was shot in New York 25 years ago today. In Hollywood, 25 candles will be lit on his walk of fame star outside Capitol Records. Larger tributes are planned in New York and Liverpool.

Lennon’s reach remains worldwide. In 2000, Castro unveiled a statue of Lennon in Cuba (source), citing declassified FBI documents as solid reasoning to reverse Cuba’s stance against the former Beatle. If the last ten pages of those documents ever see the light of day, who do you suppose will pay tribute to the man next?

The man was such a champion for peace that it was sometimes hard to find dirt on him. Leave it to the city of Los Angeles to bring out the drunken lout in the world’s peace champion and proudly display it for all to see. From a 1975 interview with Rolling Stone:
»continue reading Lennon’s Death: 25 Years Later

This season, we here at losanjealous have received many notes of warm holiday wishes from delighted readers. Most, if not all, of these notes included hints as to what we might want for our holiday gift this year. “What might you need for your new offices?” or “What size sweaters do you wear?” or “You have offered free, high quality material for several months now, might I send you a small gift demonstrating my appreciation this holiday season?” And so forth. Your generousity has touched us. In order to simplify your shopping, we offer below a selection of items we would very much enjoy, all of which are readily purchasable online or can be gotten on a single trip to The Grove. Happy Holidays!

Mario Batali Red Panini Grill Pan with Press
Grill perfect paninis, meat, seafood and more with this ridged pan and fitted press from our exclusive new “Italian Cooking Essentials” cookware line, designed in collaboration with famed New York chef and Food Network star Mario Batali.

Tempe Floor Fountain
A vertical tower of slate tiles in a steel frame with antiqued rust patina creates a dramatic yet soothing focal point for indoor or outdoor settings. (Do our offices really need another one of these? –Ed.)

Grill Alert® Talking Remote Meat Thermometer
Just insert the stainless steel transmitter probe into the center of the meat, select the type of meat, choose how you want it cooked and then walk away. Let Grill Alert® do all the work while you relax and enjoy your newfound freedom.

Hummer Cologne
Notes: Peppercorns, Cardamom, Thyme, Green Foliage, Tonka Bean, Leather, Patchouli, Amber, Sandalwood. Style: Fresh. Warm. Masculine.

Sundance Reporter’s Satchel
Designed to endure the strenuous demands of the beat reporter, our exclusive signature satchel can accommodate a laptop, file folders, notebooks and cameras with ease— no matter what the assignment.

Tabletop Telescope
Our tabletop instrument, on a tripod stand, adds a nautical perspective to library, office or living room.

OSIM® iSqueez™ Foot and Calf Massager
Enjoy the luxury and therapeutic benefits of a professional-quality foot and calf massage right in your own home. The OSIM® iSqueez™ massages away tension and fatigue from your feet, calves and ankles.

Cowichan shawl-collar full-zip cardigan
The Cowichan tribe has inhabited British Columbia for thousands of years. Their sweaters have long been prized for their distinct craftsmanship and detailing. This lambswool sweater is specially handknit in a traditional Cowichan pattern in a heavy 1.5-gauge knit. Rib trim at cuffs and hem.

This one is almost too easy. I mean, the building actually makes fun of itself without me having to write anything witty. Fine, I’ll take a stab. Hello, we are 20 Westminster, Venice Beach. The name of our building is ‘El Bordello Alexandra’ (You really do need to click in to the close-ups: one, two). Our landlord is the dungeonmaster from the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon. The laundry is in a gilded cage on the roof bedecked with jewels and encrusted with red rubies, blue hearts, yellow moons and purple horseshoes. To enter the laundry room you must roll a nine or higher and forfeit 20 stamina points. We are all mildly psychic. We all have cats that are psychic. The guy at the end of the hall has a pet dragon. The guy at the end of the hall on two is a dragon. We are situated two doors away from the Morrison Apartments where Jim allegedly wrote a few Doors tunes and partied on the roof [photo]. We all wear armor to bed, excepting dungeonmaster.

I used to live in this neighborhood. One street over, to be precise. When I first moved around the corner from these jokers the building looked relatively normal, but it had already begun to show warning signs of the Dragon within. The lot next door was valued at nearly $2 million. From what I understand, current appraisals now have that lot at less than $350k due to egregious centralized dragonfactor. This brings up a great question: Where would you rather live, 20 Westminster or the House of David™s? Don’t answer that. Assume that 20 Westminster happens upon House of David™s on the Fields of Azeroth. 20 Westminster boasts 15 strength, 21 stamina, 28 intelligence and 27 magicks. House of David™s claims 26 strength, 22 stamina, 14 intelligence and 24 magicks. Who wins?!??? Roll, damn you.

Bonus Photos
Time for Edgemar to (literally) roll out the yearly Shopping Cart Christmas Tree™. Nothing says Christmas like the color grey. Gehry might actually let you add a bit of color for the sake of the holidays, guys. Just don’t make it look too polished. Use Best Buy carts or something.
Life is a bowl of cherries at the Galley
Feed the robots