Our city-streets: Where did the names origi-nate?
Our city-streets, neighbours. I fly above. I take shit. Shit go down. People do-not like. But I take, anywa-y. I shit on streets daily. I shit on cars. Shit on people. Buildings. Schools. There is in fact no-thing I will not shit upon. We may never see eye-to-eye, you and I. Ever. My eye wee, at that. ’Tis not important at end of day. We share city-streets.
Our city-streets: Where did the names origi-nate? Following be known facts as explained to Jeff Chiliburger long . . . long . . . long ago . . Brrrr-drrrr . . . . Drdrrrrdrrrrr. . .
Jeff Wil-shire, youngest son of John Los Angeles, gunned steaming-train of eighty mules over peaceful tribe of indigenous Gabrielino Indians in 1679, simultaneously creating first major street, first public metro-politan trans-portation unit in (John) Los Angeles and, un-fortunately, first pedestrian fatality in (John) Los Angeles. All traffic problems begin and end with Jeff Wil-Shire. On ambitious and fruit-ful days I may take over four hundred shits along Wil-shire ’twixt city-center and sea-land where pizza crumbs plentiful
The fourteenth state of the union (“Vert-Mont”, green mountain) ’twere acquired in 1791. Young patriarch, Doug Vermont, was then dispatched to Great Yon West wherein swath of land was said to lie as part of same acqui-sition. He did then ride mighty pony fast, fast, a’crost yon plains. Upon arriving laid eyes on swath of land so vile (in his eye) whilst ’twas overheard whispering, “Ah. Fuck that” ’afore surrendering land to Mexican farmer and post-haste acquiring newest-young-fast pony upon which wouldst cross greatland again, bound for mighty eastern home. Location of second pony shop: Vermont and Wil-shire
Long straight row of native palm trees swayed for mile in unnatural bent, at unnatural height, with unnatural scent to be sure. Indigenous Gabrielinos believed edge of flat world to be mere feet beyond and as such dared not traverse west-ward be-yond nature’s demarcation line until 1811, when some hundred-dozen western wear facilities, without warning, began opening “up-and-down the line of death”
The origins of said cryptic name remain my-stery to this day. Does signify something, the numeral? An historic eventing? Mayhap Holy Trinity of . . . ? City, man, bird know not its darkened past
Named after distinctive cobble-pillars of horse-manure marking the trail many indigenous Gabrielino Tongvas traversed, said trail swathed loosely easty-westy in stark contrast to natural grid. Horseshit Trail ’twas was loathed far and wide
The early age of twentieth-century ’twere darker time indeed for purveyors-a-fax. Likened to shifty tax-men of biblical era, fax-men were not to be trusted b’yond ounce-per-ounce. Young mercantile laborer name of Jeff Beverly eternally changed fax-man reputation, and history as whole, by opening modern-ised faxing facility offering quality service at competetive rates in area soon to be favored amongst rapidly-growing Hasidic population.“I Give Thee: Fair Fax” swung the sign o’side tiny windowshop at corner of what i’ now Fairfax and Beverly
Young rock miner name of Jeff Alameda settled on desolate downtown swath formerly known as Alameda in 742, laying claim to area and appending own first-name of Jeff to street all now know and love as Jeff Alameda
Brrrr-drrrr . . . . Drdrrrrdrrrrr. . .
Drdrrrrdrrrrr. . .