Fresh Talent Is So Difficult To Find!

Fresh Talent Is So Difficult To Find!

JwintourI’ve been searching for fresh intern blood….punctual people….people who won’t quibble and ask for things a plebe should never ask for…like money. Hard-nosed journalists who don’t answer back and who can meet a deadline. After spending countless hours on craigslist and only ending up with a free broken refrigerator and a casual encounter or two, I decided to fish another proverbial well of journalist professionalism and preparedness: my inbox at losanjealous.

From: “Sung Chacon” < [redacted]@yahoo.com>
To: [redacted]
CC: [redacted], [redacted], [redacted]
Subject: Does 8 incches Enough 4 U? ZGA

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FINALLY you write back! Yes 8 inches is enough for me but so is 3 inches or 2 inches as long as you finish your assignment. I send you to review Hot Dogs and Donuts in Santa Monica and you send me no review or photos and I have to take my own photos and then you ask me how long your review has to be? 8 inches, 1 inch, I do not care. Your assignment is overdue and we aren’t going to send you to any more wet t-shirt contests if you can’t even finish one lousy story. AGAIN here is your assignment: IT IS DUE NEXT WEDNESDAY OR NO MORE WET T-SHIRT. It can be 8 inches or less.

You are to go to DONUTS AND HOT DOGS in Santa Monica.
It is on Broadway, just west of Third.

donuts and hot dogs

You are to order a donut and a hot dog. You are to ask for the thickest hot dog. You are then to ask for the longest hot dog. You are then to ask the counter person to shove the hot dog in the donut hole for you. If they refuse, become agitated and say that it’s Dutch tradition. Take photos. Report back to me with stories and photos.

Booyakasha,
Jeannette Wintour
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From: MIKE [redacted]@yahoo.fr
Date: Jun 29, 2006 11:44 AM
Subject: LEAVE ME ALONE, OK????
To: [redacted]

OMG okay I played foam with you guys once and gave out my email, I’ve been trying to figure out where the hell these emails were comming from, LEAVE ME ALONE DUDE COME ON!


Mike,

You didn’t ask me to leave you alone the other night when you kept asking me to scream “oh your mighty sword” every time you entered (and reentered…and reentered…) the room. Now… I’ll “leave you alone” when you turn in your assignment. You have sworn a solemn oath, made a pact…a bargain that can not be broken. AGAIN I beseech thee:

snow white cafeYou are to report to the SNOW WHITE CAFE
6769 Hollywoood Blvd.
Hollywood, CA 90028
323-465-4444

You are to walk in dressed like an elf. You are to order 7 coffees to go. You are to order 7 hard boiled eggs to go. You are to “whistle while you work.” You are to take photos.

Your story is due in 7 days. …and remember…. break a deal…FACE THE WHEEL.

Jeannette Wintour
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From: Sonia [redacted]@yahoo.fr>
Date: Jun 29, 2006 11:44 AM
Subject: FROM SONIA
To: [redacted]

FROM SONIA

Dear,

ASSISTANCE TO RELOCATE & INVEST IN YOUR COUNTRY.

I just read your profile from the site, and I am moved by faith to contact you. I will like to get to know you better for a serious relationship.

I am Miss Sonia Kone the only child of late Dr.Francis Kone.

My father was assassinate by rebel forces here in Ivory Coast few months ago.

As the only child of my father, before his death he informed me of the sum of Ten million dollars only,which he deposited in a bank here with my name as next of kin.

There is a gruesome war currently raging in the country, that is why I require your assistance urgently to transfer this funds and relocate to join you for investment.

Please reply through my private email for more detailed discussion: [redacted]@yahoo.fr, or call me on the tel. number above.

Regards.

Sonia.

EMAIL:[redacted]@yahoo.fr

[redacted] at yahoo dot fr

Guatelinda Cuchi CuchiDear Sonia,

Thank you for contacting me. I am in urgent need of faithful person to visit and review Cuchi Cuchi. Even with faith based face and necktie, Intern Shane has not been able to get into Cuchi Cuchi. You accept, Yes? Oh how my prayers have been answered with your mail.
I’m thrilled to learn that you’ve accepted your next assignment….eating at the Cuchi Cuchi. Eating at the Cuchi Cuchi can be dangerous so please proceed with caution.

CUCHI-CUCHI RESTAURANT · 4916 HOLLYWOOD BLVD, LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA
323-666-7070

As giggles04 states, some people aren’t there for the food so watch out for the homegirls trying to distract you from your mission!

“MY HOMEGIRLS AND ME HAVE PICKED UP IN THIS CLUB. THERES CUTE GUYS TOO. (NOT ALWAYS)”
KICK BACK SPOT
Posted by giggles04 on 10/12/2004
I BEEN TO THIS CLUB A FEW TIMES AND ITS AN OKAY CLUB. THE THINGS I DONT LIKE ABOUT THIS CLUB IS THAT THERES ALWAYS AN OLDER CROWD (PICTURE YOUR PARENTS). ITS A COOL PLACE IF YOU JUST WANT TO KICK IT WITH YOUR FRIENDS. THEY DO PLAY GOOD MUSIC (REGGEATON, BACHATA, PUNTA, AND SOME HIP HOP). MOST PEOPLE HERE GO AS COUPLES SO THERES HARDLY ANY SINGLE GUYS OR GIRLS. MY HOMEGIRLS AND ME HAVE PICKED UP IN THIS CLUB. THERES CUTE GUYS TOO. (NOT ALWAYS) IT DOESNT GET CROWDED LIKE OTHER CLUBS. THERES TWO FLOORS ONE FOR 21 AND OVER AND THE OTHER ONE FOR 18 AND OVER. THE CROWD IN THE 2ND FLOOR CAN GO TO BOTH FLOORS WHICH IS COOL. OVERALL ITS AN OKAY PLACE TO GO AND SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU.
Pros: REGGEATON, DRINS (2 FOR 1 B4 10), GOOD PARKING

Please be sure you find out if and when they start charging cover. The 10 million dollars you have should be enough to get in and eat…do not spend the entire 10 million at the Cuchi Cuchi, but if you have trouble getting in bluegoofy4lyfe suggests you tell them that “the 4 LYFE FAMILY sent you.” Tell them you’re just there to eat at the Cuchi Cuchi.

Guatelinda
Posted by bluegoofy4life on 05/04/2004
Guatelina is the best club in town. It plays Hip-Hop,Cumbia,Bachata,Punta & REGGAETON.Theirs two floors one for Minors and the other for 21 & up.Its and cool place Fri. & Sat. are the best times its crazy.Thrus . & Sun. are for men and women “Striptease”.Tue. &Wed. its fun night just kick it at the club.All those days u can eat,its also a resturant.You can eat and dance at the same time.So i recommend to go to guatelinda its and badass place.Just say The 4 Life Family sent cha!!
Pros: Admission $15, Parking only $5, Dress Code:Casual

While you are there, you are to eat a chicharron. If you are a Muslim or Jew, do not ask me what a chicharron is. Just order it and eat it. I’ll let you know afterwards. Anything other than the chicharron is frosting on our proverbial cupcake.

Don’t forget the photos.

Deadline, Next Wednesday by midnight. We’ll be waiting to hear what eating at the Cuchi Cuchi is like.

Regards,
Jeannette
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From: Goodness Damian < [redacted]@yahoo.com >
Date: Jun 28, 2006 6:17 AM
Subject: From Goodness Damian
To: [redacted]

From Goodness Damian
Amina Guest Hotel
Abidjan Cote D’ivoire
West Africa
My email Address ( [redacted] )

APPEAL FOR URGENT ASSISTANCE FROM YOU.

Dear, One

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you. I got your name and contact from the Ivoirian chamber of commerce and industry. I prayed over it and selected your name among other names due to its esteeming nature and there commendations given to me as a reputable and trust worthy person that I can do business with and by the recommendation , I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business .

I am Goodness Damian, the only daugther of late Mr joseph Damian .My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant here in Abidjan , the economic capital of Ivory coast, my father was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outings on a business trip. My mother died when I was a baby and since then my father took me so special. Before the death of my father on January 2005 in a private hospital here in Abidjan he secretly called me on his bed side and told me that he has the sum of Ten million,Five hundred thousand United State Dollars.US($10.500,000) left in fixed/suspense account in one of the prime banks here in Abidjan ,that he used my name as his only Daugther for the next of Kin in depositing of the fund. He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth that he was poisoned by his business associates. That I should seek for a foreign partner in a country of my choice where I will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose such as real estate management or hotel management .

Dear, I am honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways:

(1) To provide a bank account into which this money would be transferred to .

(2) To serve as a guardian of this fund since I am a young girl of 23 years without investment knowledge.

(3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education

and to secure a resident permit in your country. Moreover,I am willing to offer you 15% of the total sum as compensation for your Effort/Input after the successful transfer of this fund into your nominated account overseas. Furthermore, you indicate your options
towards assisting me as I believe that this transaction would be concluded within Seven good working days you signify interest to assist me.Anticipating to hear from you soon.
My email Address( [redacted]@yahoo.com

Thanks and God bless.
Goodness Damian

Dear Damian, or Dear Goodness, or Oh Goodness Damian:

Thank you for your kind offer of money. I am not Christian and believe in Xenu, but I believe since I’ve been recently e-metered and audited, strange forces… if not Xenu himself may have brought us together. I live an austere life and reject material things. I can not accept your gift of money, but I feel you should use it to come to Losanjealous where we may be able to point you in the right direction of getting education in this country. We do know people at esteemed University Devry. While you are here we will need you to cover some assignments for us as a journalist. I sent an intern to review a Suya restaurant and he complained that he was afraid to take his fiance out of his zipcode, so I leave the assignment to you.

I know it’s going to be a long weekend where you may be obligated to go to 99 barbecues but hey…. here’s your next assignment if you chose to take it.

> My boss has a Nigerian friend that flew a chef in from Washington
> D.C. to cook us Suya for 2 days straight. Suya is a delicious
> African BBQ originally from Nigeria but popular throughout Western
> Africa.
>
> The Chef mistakenly told me that there is no Suya available in LA.
> He was WRONG!
>
> Please proceed to: African Suya Foods
> African Suya Foods4108 Crenshaw Blvd
> Los Angeles, CA 90008-2502
> (323) 299-5353
>
> I heard this restaurant is inexpensive and very good. If it’s
> remotely sketchy, play that up. You may order whatever you want
> (they have quite a few vegetarian recipes) but you must order one
> order of Suya styled BBQ meat. The beef is delicious, but we’d
> give you mad points for something strange… like goat if you
> dare. Order anything else you want. Even if it’s a bagel. Talk
> to the owner or people working there and see if they will recommend
> anything or educate us readers on anything.

Good luck and please report how your stomach sits the next day!!!!

Deadline: How about by thursday, July 6 at midnight?

booyakasha,
Jeannette Wintour
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Dear Jeannette,

Last night, President Bush appeared at a big-ticket fundraiser for embattled GOP Senator Jim Talent in Missouri. Tomorrow, it’s off to Ohio to raise funds for Mike DeWine, another GOP Senator that we have a solid chance to defeat come November.

The Republicans think they can sneak President Bush and Vice President Cheney in and out of these states under cover of darkness, and that vulnerable Republican candidates will pick up GOP special interest campaign dollars — not Bush-Cheney baggage.

Make them pay a price for this most cynical of political calculations.

Today, we are helping the Democratic candidates Bush is determined to keep out of the Senate. As Bush heads to Ohio, please lend your immediate support to Sherrod Brown, who is running a strong campaign in this critical swing state, and other Democratic Senate candidates battling in tight races.

ACT TO HELP OUR CANDIDATES BEFORE THE JUNE 30TH DEADLINE!

https://contribute.keepingamericaspromise.com/s8b.html?sc=7122

We can’t let the Bush/Cheney fundraising juggernaut buy Republican candidates out of the trouble they’re in because they rubberstamp this administration’s failed policies. The President tries to travel under the radar on these trips — rubbing elbows with well-heeled Republican donors, while the GOP candidates he’s supporting try to avoid rubbing elbows with him.

But, we won’t let their fast and furious fundraising turn the tide in some of the closest Senate races in the country. We’re weighing in with powerful grassroots support to counter the President’s fundraiser-in-chief performance. Two days ago, we got off to a good start, helping Sherrod Brown in Ohio, Claire McCaskill in Missouri and Maria Cantwell in Washington state.

Today we’re adding Senator Bob Menendez of New Jersey to the list of strong Democrats who need our support. In March, Cheney came to the Garden State to raise money for Menendez’s Republican opponent, handpicked by Karl Rove, who offered rush-hour traffic as his excuse for arriving late and missing a photo-op with the Vice President.

Menendez is currently fighting back against a ruthless smear attack distorting his courageous actions from 25 years ago. Let’s show him and Democrats around the country that we refuse to let any of our public servants be subjected to outrageous lies for partisan political gain.

With the June 30th deadline fast approaching, we need to step up our efforts to give Democrats the resources they need to fight back and win.

ACT TO HELP OUR CANDIDATES BEFORE THE JUNE 30TH DEADLINE!

https://contribute.keepingamericaspromise.com/s8b.html?sc=7122

This is a critical test of our resolve. The Bush Republicans would like nothing better than to set our candidates back by burying them under an avalanche of Republican special interest money and distortions. But, we won’t let it happen. We’re standing by our candidates through thick and thin, and we’re driving through to victory.

I urge you to do everything you can to impact these important Senate races. Let’s show the Bush fundraising machine that we mean business.

Sincerely,

John Kerry

Paid for by Friends of John Kerry, Inc.
Authorized by Friends of Sherrod Brown
Authorized by Cantwell 2006
Authorized by McCaskill for Missouri
Authorized by Menendez for Senate, Inc.

—————————————–
|Paid for by Friends of John Kerry, Inc.|
—————————————–

Dear John,

The next time you’re in LA, do you think I can get you to stop by Tacos Chapalita, try a few tacos and send me a review? They have a really good deal – 4 Tacos and a coke for $3.99. I think it’s the best taco stand in LA. People don’t believe me because it’s a block away from my house and they say the best taco stand in LA can’t be around the corner from my house. It doesn’t matter how long your review is, but let me know if you need me to take photos. It’s around the corner from my house and I can be there really quickly with my camera.

TACOS CHAPALITA

2929 N Broadway
Los Angeles, CA 90031.

Thanks John!
Jeannette

Tacos Chapalita

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From: CYNDIE SEXEY [redacted]@freemailserv.com
Date: Jun 22, 2006 11:41 AM
Subject: hello fraiend
To: [redacted]

Hello my dear fraiend
I was looking through the web few weeks ago and found
your profile. Naow I decided to email you to get to know
you better. I am coming tbo youra country ain few weeks
and thought may be wbe can meet each other. I am pretty
looking girl. I am 25. Do not reply to this address
directly. Email me back at [redacted]@freemailserv.com

Hello dear fraiend!!!!
I was happy to receive your email. I think we can offer you a position at losanjealous.com as a food critic intern upon your arrival here at ourya tbo country. Please to report to Traktir for your first assignment.

Traktir
8151 Santa Monica Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90046
(323) 654-3030

Please ask them for the “Mousse and Squirrel” three times. If they do not understand you, make them repeat it back to you. Then order whatever you want and send us your story. Since you are pretty looking girl you should be able to get “Mousse and squirrel”.

Thank you for exlant email fraeind!!!!

Jeannette Wintour

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[Note: I have it on good authority the above responses were in fact sent. Spammers and Mailbots take note: Jeannette responds. You have found a live, organic, sentient being, presumably with cash to burn. — ed]