Ryan,

I regret to inform you that I will be unable to complete my assignment this week. I visited “Noah’s Ark” in Van Nuys, as promised, but there is just nothing much to say about it. Nothing good, anyway. Also, God drained my camera battery upon entering this place, so the attached pics were taken with my camera phone.

Let me start off by saying that I really, really wanted to like this place. I had envisioned a restaurant full of religious images, possibly of tragic stuffed animals crammed two-by-two into ark stables. I wanted kitsch or deadpanned devotion. I got…blah. The decor is a hodge-podge of “country chic”, Spanish monasteries and party-rental furniture. Each table is graced with a Chinese-styled vase and dying flowers. The place DOES have a mural depicting Noah and a line of ark passengers, but it’s mostly an expanse of grey…perhaps to convey the grim circumstances under which the ark was built. In retrospect, that mural prophesied my bleak meal to come.

It’s 8:00 p.m. on a Friday and the place is empty. There is one other table of two, but they don’t appear to be eating. One of the employees has set up camp on another table and is deep into a game of Monopoly on her laptop. The music playing reminds me of a Mexican gay disco circa 1990. I choose a table in the center of the room, in order to take in whatever excitement jumps off any…minute…now.

»continue reading Noah’s Ark: A Sinking Feeling

The Losanjealous Benevolent Society gathers a weekly list of strange happenings and fun events in LA–the more ridiculous, the better. Visit our events calendar for the full list. And if you’re organizing or know of an event you think belongs on the list, send us info at tips@losanjealous.com.

FRIDAY

Beefcake Babylon @ drkrm
Beefcake Babylon includes original movie posters and memorabilia from all over the world, a large collection of stills of the men who played Hercules during the height of sword and sandal craze, and rare provocative “classic physique” photographs of these musclemen at their peak as professional bodybuilders, long before the siren of the movies beckoned. Opening Reception Friday, July 14th 7-10pm Through Sat 9/23.

Game Show Congress 5 @ Burbank Airport Hilton
Practice your competition skills, view rare show footage, see 3 live staged shows, witness a Tic Tac Dough reunion, visit with some of the top contestants of all time, and see in person Wink Martindale, Monty Hall and many other stars and industry movers and shakers. Through Sun 7/16.

»continue reading Losanjealous Benevolent Society Events: July 14 – 20

Shortly after he wrote some story about LA bands in NYC, we lost track of Losanjealous Victor. We didn’t hear from him for a while. Then we got this cryptic txtmsg with accompanying photo. . .

“11am. Went looking for coffee.”

Out of town in NY, I decide to check out a couple of LA’s local bands to see how they go down with the crowds, and, just maybe, gauge how the LA scene is representing nationally in general.

First up is Helen Stellar, who are technically from Chicago, but now are based in Los Angeles. The marquee lists them as ‘from LA,’ so we have to consider them embassadors to our fine city when they play out. They’ve had some modest success, had a song on a Cameron Crowe soundtrack and some KCRW play. They do a kind of UK shoegaze/noise pop thing that I remember enjoying someplace, some night and it’s 100 yards from where I’m staying, so why the hell not check them out.

They take the stage a few minutes in front of 20 people, if that many. At $8 a head cover charge, there’s no way in hell they are making any money tonight. I thought they could maybe draw a 100 or so just on some word of mouth. Some of this could be due to the venue, Pianos in the Lower East Side, which has its own bag of issues to contend with. While HS are not all that original, they work within a shoegaze/noise pop mode that tends to draw curious listeners purely on genre recognition. This can probably be directly attributed to the growing void left by the long absence of My Bloody Valentine. They get started with a slow keyboard drone, which fails to get them off the ground and probably killed their chance at hooking the sparse crowd right out of the gate. They proceed to work through their set, airing out tunes with that loud/quiet/loud dynamic, but songs themselves are indistinct and unmemorable, even as genre pieces. Each of the three members of Helen Stellar are very good musicians, but their music is fairly unchallenging. I left with a few more to go because I don’t need these dudes blowing out (any more of) my hearing with the invitable set ending feedback. Even with the some drunken yelps and polite applause, I get the sense that they may as well have not even bothered playing NY.

»continue reading Two LA bands, two nights in NY

(Note from the editor: We sent NoSmell Bob to a restaurant adjacent to the downtown greyhound line six weeks ago. We received a half review, photos and no details. If anyone – man, robot, dog – anyone – has any information as to the whereabouts of NoSmell Bob, please contact the Losanjealous offices immediately. Thank you.)

You are to review the breakfast menu at La Reyna. Downtown. 7th and Mateo.

La Reyna is not far from the downtown greyhound line. Ideally, you will be able to talk to some transient who just got off the bus and find out what brought them in to La Reyna. They have a façade that touts “Grand Opening!” This verysame façade looks to be at minimum 25 years old.

You are to order whatever the hell you want. Hopefully, breakfast.

You are to ask when the grand opening was, and what happened…what you missed…if there was a dj…balloons…giveaways…free food..etc.

You are to make as much conversation about the grand opening with the waitstaff as possible, mentioning that the grand opening sign was what drew you in. If necessary, pose as somebody who just got off the bus from Ohio.

»continue reading Has Anyone Seen NoSmell Bob?

#5: the Starbucks in the Commerce Citadel Shopping Center and Casino.

Gotta get my head straight. It’s one of those things where. . .I ordered this hat and these garage door clickers. I ordered them in March. They got here yesterday. So I’m not cheerfully disposed. I put on the hat. It says Ottawa Rough Riders so that turned out ok. But the clickers were fucked. They only had four dipswitches. I need sixteen. Not good. What am I supposed to do, use four clickers at once? Time my jumps? Break into my own parking garage? Those days are over thank you very much.

Gotta get my head straight. And find the fifth best Starbucks in LA. I get in the Fairmont and head out on the. . .5? . . .10? . . .210? What about the 56,000? Can we get a freeway with five decimal places? I think this would put California on a level no one could reach. “Yeah you wanna take the 56,000 to Santa Ana and get off at the Slauson exit.” There would be those kinds of exchanges in our salons and civic meeting places.

I’m feeling pretty positive this can happen and have basically forgotten about the clickers when this weird feeling/weather passes through where I’m driving. All of a sudden everything wasn’t quite as stucco-looking but more adobe. I think also the temperature dropped from 86 to 83. There was a definite weirdness passing through/by me/Commerce. And then I look up and see these. . .man-bulls. They have wings and beards. They top the walls of the Commerce Citadel. If Franco Harris had grown his beard out he would have looked like them. They look ominous and portentous and looming, gazing out across the horizon toward—what?

I try to shake it off but can’t. That’s when the Starbucks finds me and saves me—salves me—with a drip coffee. A big one. I think they served it in an upside-down parking cone. That’s a lot of coffee. It’s barely enough. The man-bulls plague me. Why here? The citadel sure, I get it, ancient Los Angeles had a lot of enemies back then, these outlet stores commemorate that time. But bull-men with wings??? What is that? That’s. . .ancient Babylon? I drain my 256-oz coffee and head to the casino.

Gotta get my head together. Gotta take my head apart. The room hums. Tables as far as the nearsighted can see. Like putting greens without the fairway. A lot of Vietnamese dudes not that it matters. The three twenties in my wallet ache to be rid of me. My body rides an outboard motor of caffeine. Why winged man-bulls. An answer begins to reveal itself to me. . .when I see her.

»continue reading Bill DeMarco Rates the Top 50 Starbucks in LA: This Week: #5

Until recently, there was a questionable establishment next door to Orochon. I have never tried to confirm this information, but word is there was a happening brothel in there. Alas, it has closed, and people-watching at this location just isn’t the same.

More info @ http://www.orochonramen.com/

You all know our penchant for food around this joint. Courtesy the good folks at Glove Box Guides, we have one copy of the brand-new third edition of Hungry? Los Angeles to give away. The book is a sort of offbeat Zagat guide, sans “ratings” & sans “holy living shitload of quotation marks.” Truly a must-have for the food you want in the area you happen to be.

Here’s the challenge:

How many chiliburgers would Jeff Chiliburger have to consume to beat Intern Shane‘s record?

Third correct e-mail sent to HungryIBe@losanjealous.com gets the book. $15 value. Good luck!

UPDATE: You people are some seriously hungry readers. We have our winner. Thank you.

I should also mention that if you don’t win it’s not too difficult to buy your own copy.

Good times indeed. Andres Balazs how can we ever repay you.

Bonus photos: crazy organ, yellow table

Visit our concert calendar for a full show list, links to buy tickets and our top picks.

PICK OF THE WEEK: Lilys, Human Television @ Spaceland

Two shoegaze bands from Philly, Lilys and Human Television, take the stage Wednesday night at Spaceland. Philadelphia: land of Cheesesteaks, Liberty Bell, Dr. J and Shoegaze music.

Their latest LP…is titled Peregrine, and musically calls to mind the Peregrine Falcon’s crazy hunting style-soaring, then free-falling, over its prey/the listener. – Pitchfork

Send an e-mail to contest@losanjealous.com with your full name to enter.

theappleseedcast.com | myspace.com/theappleseedcast

• Fri 7/14 Muse @ Virgin Hollywood and Highland
• Fri 8/4 – Sat 8/5 Kanye West, Wu Tang, Wolfmother, She Wants Revenge, Snoop Dogg, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Bloc Party, Shins, Editors, Futureheads @ Street Scene San Diego
• Sat 8/5 Wu Tang, Mos Def, De La Soul @ Rock the Bells
• Wed 9/6 Deerhoof @ Troubadour
• Sat 9/30 We Are Scientists @ Fonda
• Mon 10/9 Sufjan Stevens @ Wiltern (with string & brass sections)
• Mon 10/16 Hold Steady @ Troubadour

MONDAY
Lilys @ Echo
LL Cool J @ House of Blues
Pearl Jam w/ Sonic Youth @ Forum
Sarah Silverman @ Largo

TUESDAY
Bedroom Walls @ El Cid
Cut Chemist @ Amoeba (free)
Nickel Creek @ House of Blues
Sonic Youth @ Jimmy Kimmel
Sword @ Spaceland
»continue reading Losanjealous Concert Picks: July 10 – 16

The Losanjealous Benevolent Society gathers a weekly list of strange happenings and fun events in LA–the more ridiculous, the better. Visit our events calendar for the full list. And if you’re organizing or know of an event you think belongs on the list, send us info at tips@losanjealous.com.

FRIDAY

Emily the Strange Art Show @ Wonderful World
Join the Wonderful World Art Gallery for this exclusive event with gothic charm. As fans snatch up their favorite original paintings and limited edition prints, they can rendezvous with the creative minds behind Emily the Strange, creator Rob Reger and illustrator, Buzz Parker.

Yumiko Kayukawa @ La Luz de Jesus
Yumiko Kayukawa was born in the small town of Naie in Hokkaido, Japan. The panoramic beauty of her surroundings and feelings of communication with the native animals inspired her to paint the things around her. As a teenager she also fell in love “with the energy and giddiness” of American pop-culture through her exposure to rock n’ roll, film, and fashion. Artist’s Reception: Friday, July 7, 2006 ~ 8:00-11:00 pm. Through Sun 7/30.

SATURDAY

Cher Convention 2006
10,000 sq ft of wall-to-wall Cher with non-stop entertainment. Cher related events and entertainment. Cher items and Cher Convention souvenirs for sale. Cher Karaoke Contest, Cher Poetry Reading, Cher Name That Tune Game, Cher Family Feud Game, Cher Museum, Live and Silent Auctions – Many rare and unusual Cher Memorabilia. And , Cher Impersonator Show. 10 AM to 5 PM – Free admission.

»continue reading Losanjealous Benevolent Society Events: July 7 – 13

As I sat in my car on the way to Belle and Sebastibowl ’06 it came to me. Santa Monica to Hollywood. 12.7 miles. 1.5 hours. 1.5 hours. 12.7 miles. 12.7 miles. 1.5 etc.

I am seriously. Seriously considering going the motorcycle route. Oh yeah. I want to be one of those guys who shares lanes, scares the bejesus out of everybody he passes and arrives windy fresh and on time, every time.

12.7 miles. 1.5 hours. This after even my shiftiest of crosstown maneuvers. Missed most of the Shins set. Didn’t matter. The evening was stellar. Arriving at the bowl was akin to a family reunion: Suddenly I’m surrounded by old coworkers, new acquaintences. New faces I would know well before night’s end. Even Dave Hart was there.

»continue reading Why I Love Traffic

Hello, my friend. Long time. Long time, indeed. It is good to see you here, at last, at Kate Mantilini. It is as it should be. You there, and I, here, and Dallas losing to Miami — Fuck. WHAT?

Fine. Go Shaq.

Begpardon. Ladies, I am a gentleman.

Mair: I only hope they have good Mac and Cheese here. Are you sure you weren’t all drunk when you ate it last time, and in your drunken drunkstate you just drunkenly thought it was good?

You know me all too well, former apprentice. Be that as it may, rest assured the Mac and Cheese is one to be partaken of and enjoyed. To be sure.

Mair: This is April. She’s my food photographer.

Charmed.

April: I didn’t bring my camera.

Charmed. I’ve a device of sorts. It should suffice.

So then ladies. Where were we. Ah yes. When last we met, you were graduating. No longer Mair the Intern. You had transmogrified into the online vessel She Who Is Called Mac and Cheese Mair. You were soon to become known throughout the city for your penchant for the cheese-laden noodle. You’ve received fan mail. Recipes. Offers of dishes to try. You’ve a fan base. Business cards. Some of your fans in fact wait with bated breath in order to immediately tell you how much they loathe the very mac and cheese you’ve only just reviewed. How does it feel. How does it feel, Mac and Cheese Mair?

»continue reading In Which Ryan Takes Pause to Partake of Mac and Cheese with Mac and Cheese Mair

Tall, hairy beast “walking at brisk pace, patriotic as all hell”