I am Live-Blogging Superbowl XLII From My Couch

That’s right motherfuckas! I am Live-Blogging Superbowl XLII Presented by Planters Instinctively Good From My Couch. Latest at the bottom.

325pm
Jordan Sparks Sings The National Anthem. Commercial break. LET US TAKE STOCK OF THE SITUATION.

Tivo Remote CHECK
Queso CHECK
Smokies CHECK
Beer CHECK
Wine CHECK
LA Minis – sloppy joes – CHECK
Pizzas CHECK

334pm
We are all waiting for DF to get here. We paused the motherfucker. Then, somebody rewound it to the national anthem in order to break the quiet tension.

325pm
Jordan Sparks Sings The National Anthem. Commercial break. LET US TAKE STOCK OF THE SITUATION.

Tivo Remote CHECK
Queso CHECK
Smokies CHECK
Beer CHECK
Wine CHECK
LA Minis – sloppy joes – CHECK
Pizzas CHECK

342pm
We are now 10 minutes behind the live game. Fuck it. Giants won the toss. They will receive.

351pm
Fuck me – those li’l smokies have a kick at the end. We now have a wide array of dips, including:
Five Layer Dip
Chili Con Queso Dip
Guacamole Dip
Salsa Dip
Garlic Dip (though, technically speaking, this is meant for pizza)

355pm
The play was broken up.

358pm
Tynes takes first blood for the Giants; it is 3-0. The very first big budget ad is for Pepsi; it is a play off an outdated Chris Kataan SNL skit, and is unfathomably terrible. The very second ad features a cartoon man with an Indian accent.

400pm
Nothing to report at this time. I am watching the motherfucking game, from the motherfucking couch.

402pm
What do we think of the Underarmour ad? Yawn.

405pm
Fox just advised we log on to myspace.com/superbowl ads to “watch them all.” Secretly I suspect the nation collectively stopped giving a shit about superbowl ads long ago and nobody has the stones to admit it. (Adweek likely disagrees)

411pm
The play was broken up. Bit by bit we are attempting to catch up to real time by fastforwarding the Tivo, but we’re still not there. The room keeps getting txtmgs (from people watching the game in realtime) that make no sense, because we are living ten minutes in the past. Right now I am watching a commercial about animals who are screaming. The ad was for Bridgestone.

Some Minutes Later
Kina Grannis, a girl from Mission Viejo is now singing courtesy Doritos and Interscope Records:

This is a message from your heart
This is a blah blah, la, la la, it goes
Bom, bom, bom, bom,
Etc, blah-blah heart,
You can thank me for a start

Available on iTunes.

Inevitably, I’m adblogging now. So be it. The Terminator robot just beat the shit out of another robot.

This is a message from your heart
This is a blah blah, la, la la, it goes
Bom, bom, bom, bom,
Etc, blah-blah heart,
You can thank me for a start

424pm
He was tackled; it is third down.

425pm
Eli Manning is intercepted. Turnover #1. Wasn’t Manning’s fault. Whose record will it affect? Manning’s.

425pm
Budweiser ad features clydesdale horse being trained by a dalmation. They used the theme from Rocky. Did You Know? The “Theme From Rocky” is called “Gonna Fly Now.” Bill Conti just made a shit-ton of cash someplace. I wonder how many dips are in his dining room. (More than five?)

429pm
DF continues to receive txtmsg game updates and leaves the room, cursing. We are still about five minutes behind the present time, stuck here in some sort of bizarro pizza-and-five-dips time warp. This is a message from your heart
This is a blah blah, la, la la, it goes
Bom, bom, bom, bom, I have to make water.

437pm
AD UPDATES
Careerbuilder.com may slowly be becoming obsolete thanks to LinkedIn, so they blow their wad while they still can. Their ad features a woman’s heart jumping out of her chest cavity and walking into the boss man’s office to tell him she quits. Immediately following, an ad we all suspect is for Geico due to the egregious use of geckos ends up being for some shit called “Life Water.” The geckos dance to “Thriller.” Kudos to Life Water for continuing to support Michael Jackson despite his shaky legal entanglements. A few ads later, Bud Light manages to offend as many cultures as possible in as few seconds as possible. Already I pine for the ads of yore; most notably, the ad by Doritos featuring Kina Grannis from Mission Viejo, CA. This is a message from your heart
This is a blah blah, la, la la, it goes
Bom, bom, bom, bom,
Etc, blah-blah heart,
You can thank me for a start

443pm
The game briefly turns into soccer. DF is wailing like a banshee.

501pm
FINALLY WE ARE CAUGHT UP ON THE TiVO MACHINE AND ACTUALLY LIVEBLOGGING just in time for Tom Petty. Setlist:

(Phallic light show and tense buildup: Lights are out. A gigantic Gibson Flying “V” guitar approaches – and penetrates – a gigantic heart. Lights on! What is the stage shaped as? Both surprisingly and unsurprisingly, it is shaped as a heart, pierced with a Gibson Flying “V” guitar.)
American Girl
(Holy bearded goodness. Dig the look, Tom.)
Won’t Back Down
Free Fallin’
(We begin a spirited discussion about the merits of a double-necked guitar)
Runnin’ Down A Dream

Ok we all appreciate the lack of a medley but enough with the Full Moon Fever already. The videoscreens show a clip of Monument Valley. What is that – Utah?
Four songs and he’s done. Three were from Full Moon Fever. Whatever. It wasn’t a medley; works for me.

531pm
We pause for a commercial break. What the fuck is up with “Salesgenie.com/tv” ?? First time they gave us the Indian Guy cartoon. This time it’s Chinese-accented pandas. These ads are seriously mind-boggling. WWWTTTFFF. This is followed by Shaq on a racehorse for vitamin water, which we determine was probably filmed in Santa Anita after somebody spots the SG Mountains in the background. Also, importantly: More football was played.

538pm
V just announced that Frank Stallone is playing the Hotel Cafe soon. Ryan is shitting his pants – and wailing like a banshee.
This is a message from your heart
This is a blah blah, la, la la, it goes
Bom, bom, bom, bom,

549pm
OOOH! It was not a touchdown pass for the Giants.

558pm
It’s almost the fourth quarter, and it’s still 3-7. The over/under was 54.5 points before this game. Huh!?

600pm
Randy Moss had one reception for 18 yards sometime in the last couple of hours. Nobody can remember it.

605pm
I have been told Moby wrote “Ray of Light” by Madonna which was just used in a shampoo ad. No wonder Moby can still afford to live in Manhattan. Also: crowd camera just found LL Cool J and Frank Caliendo. Let the fourth quarter begin.

607pm
Big run by Kevin Boss. Boss run. Lots of shouts, beer can throwing, dip throwing here. Ryan has plugged in Ron’s guitar. Victor is waxing about the Caliendo/Madden injunction. DF has become quiet; the palpable shift in energy has set the room on edge. His temper is as short as Bill Belichick’s sweatshirt sleeves.

611pm
Giants score. DF says “It’s cool. I’m cool.” Nobody believes him. May change title to DF’s Meltdown.

615pm
Judd Apatow/Adam Sandler movie ad. Blah blah blah, portions filmed in Falafel King, Westwood, USA.

617pm
We all want to break Britney out of the hospital.

622pm
Ryan just stole the laptop, checked referrer logs and said we’re seeing “Jordan Sparks, wrong lyrics” traction. If these fucks rewind the tivo again I quit

635pm
Pats about to score. They should wind the clock down.

636pm


637pm
3rd and goal. Still haven’t scored.

639pm
Randy Moss with the touchdown. 2:42 on the clock. G&R “Welcome to the Jungle” is now officially cranked up in the stadium; it is go time. Let’s recap:
Tivo Remote CHECK
Queso CHECK
Smokies CHECK
Beer CHECK
Wine CHECK
LA Minis – sloppy joes – CHECK
Pizzas CHECK This is a message from your heart
This is a blah blah, la, la la, it goes
Bom, bom, bom, bom,
Etc, blah-blah heart,
You can thank me for a start

642pm
That was a big hit. Eli Manning We Are All Looking At You Now. Suddenly: Pass completed.

644pm
Two minute warning. It is 10-14. Nobody predicted this. Victoria’s Secret ad not starring Gisele just aired. Now watching a fat guy with jumper cables clipped to his nipples jiggle his tummy. Do not know or care what product is being advertised. Saw the punchline forty miles away while wearing an eyepatch.

705pm
Who would have guessed the Giants pulled it off!?

652pm
Holy Manning/Tyree power plays! Amazing pass; amazing catch. This game is not over. :59 left. Fat guy jiggles tummy, nipples have clamps, we all enjoy a laugh.

655pm
First down. Following group vote, sharp objects subtly removed from DF perimeter.

656pm
HOLY #$%*, GIANTS SCORE

700pm
Seriously – three songs from Full Moon Fever?

703pm
Belichick is running onto the field. The game is not over. Confusion ensues. Fans have taken the field. People are chanting, “Eli! Eli!” Like this…”E-ly! E-ly!” G’head, join in.

704pm


706pm
A purple haze fills the stadium. Enter the tickertape. The Giants have won Superbowl XLII. I think I hate live-blogging. But it was fun. Thanks losanjealous! This page will continue to be updated with post-game highlights throughout the night. Refresh the page every three seconds.

UPDATE #1: THE KINA CONSPIRACY
You thought I was joking with that line about updates. Is Kina Grannis, Doritos winner, actually from Mission Viejo as listed by Doritos in their commercial, or is she from Austin, as listed by her myspace presence? Kina: Please let us know. We dug your ready-for-hotel-cafe jam.