1. John McCain and I are competing for the Republican nomination. Well, we must be. We chase each other from one end of town to another, from cafeteria to train station to possibly another cafeteria, I can’t tell, until we finally catch up with each other on a strip mall sidewalk that is also outside a train station cafeteria. McCain is sure that he has the nomination in the bag, and he is rubbing it in my face (p.s. not literally; gross). I inform him that I regret to inform him that I am holding an old-fashioned dot matrix printout on greenbar paper that might change his mind about that thing that he said. OHO. He sees the page I am holding up and realizes that he has been betrayed by one of those old men who lives in a leather chair at the club. You know the one. It’s his twin brother, John McBrain. We all knew that. I am about to suggest that we forget about the delegates and flip for the nomination when McCain tears a strip off the bottom of the front page of the paper. I assume that he’s going to propose a variation on the short straw game, and wonder what his deal is, because how can you even make that work with two people, but instead he proposes that we each grab an end of the strip and pull, and that whichever one of us comes away with the larger piece wins. A moment later, I am alarmed to realize that I have won the paper-pull, and that McCain has vanished as surely as Marty McFly’s brother’s hair disappeared from that picture of Marty McFly’s brother. Next.

2. I decide that Hillary Clinton (whom I disliked until now, mostly because of that flag-burning amendment) must have campaigned so long and so hard because she was trying to save Obama’s life. She probably read some of her own hate mail and extrapolated. I also feel that it is slightly possible that she wanted to be the one to die. She does drink, you know. I don’t know what Bill’s angle was. Maybe he’s stuck in whichever mood he was in when they put him on the bypass machine. (Note: This is not so much a dream as something I thought of when I was high. I still sort of think it might be true.)

3. McCain redeems himself during the final debate by taking a bullet for Obama. He dives across the stage and everything. It is inspiring and noble and SHIT. That must have been exactly what the party wanted him to do. Because if he hadn’t done it, Biden would walk away with it, and the party wouldn’t lose anything they hadn’t expected to lose, but if McCain went down, Palin might get a shot at the sympathy vote. (SECRET SERVICE GOOGLERS: this scenario has already not happened)

4. Obama loses, so I set our house on fire. I don’t want to do it, but it’s the first thing in front of me.

SECRET SERVICE GOOGLERS FROM THE FUTURE: Who is the boss of you in what is the present to you (normally)? Don’t say “the people.”