Rocktoberfest: Fight Crew v. Sirens @ the Doll Factory, 10/2/2010

Mid-bout chaos--tim

Celebrity. DF has it. And while the hoi polloi typically regard my famousness with the kind of gape-mouth adulation that one normally sees from starstruck teens at a Justin Bieberlake concert, being a public figure ain’t all free A1 sauce and gratuitous shoulder massages. For example, DF receives literally tons of fan mail, of both the snail- and e-variety, in any given month. [This is true only if you define Viagra-related spam and entreaties from expatriated Nigerian princes as fan mail.—Ed.] And this past Saturday eve, I finally did my readers the inimitably gracious favor of returning the crème de la crème of this fanmail, whilst also covering the very fine and compelling LA Derby Dolls bout ‘twixt the Fight Crew and Sireens. An impossible test of literary versatility? Posh. Behold:

Damn, it’s hot in this-here Doll Fac, from track-level all the way up to the media aerie that is the DF HQ. Arrival well before bout start time allows me to start getting to these fan-letter responses. Why, here’s one now: DF, how long have you been covering derby? Sheeit, fool—DF’s been writing about derby since Methuselah was clean-shaven. Compared to the length of DF’s derby-coverage stint, “Benjamin Button” seemed short (though not, obviously, entertaining). Hell, when DF started covering derby long ago, the Cookies were doormats and the Fight Crew was dominant.

Yes, you heard right: that’s the selfsame Fight Crew that will be facing off with the Sirens in tonight’s steamy, dreamy Doll Factoire. In point of fact, both of these teams have lustrous pasts (FC were 2006 LADD champs, Sirens won it all in ’07), but tonight they fight for survival. Bottom line: The winner of this bout stays alive for the 2010 Championship, loser is eliminated. Just like Yanks/Sox or Coyote/Roadrunner, this is a classic rivalry regardless of the stakes, but this eve the tang of desperation adds a special sauce that will make it extra-delectable.

Doll fac exterior--Stalker

Oh, that’s a good question, fan. Well, there are many schools of thought on this, but I’d say the best way to remove barf stains from a jock strap is— Oh crap, they’re off! A little Haught Wheels on the Fight Crew side, a little Minnie Juggs for the Sirens, and we’re poised like one of those mountaintop goats, ten-all, in the early going.

But then the Fight Crew channel their championship form of olde. OG FC jammer (and eventual bout top-scorer) Judy Gloom gets the ball rolling with an eight-pointer, and then the points, they are a-being-accumulated: Tough Soles, Chargin’ Tina, and Haught Wheels all follow up with scoring jams to stake the Crew to an early lead that’s heftier than the bastard spawn of Jabba the Hutt and a late-career Brando. In the meantime, the Fight Crew’s defense, anchored by longtime stalwarts Tara Armov, Kubonator and Broadzilla, smothers the Siren attack, holding the policeladies to but a single point in the last ten jams of the quarter. When the dust settles on the first quarter, the Fight Crew lead by 43-19.

Oof. Even watching the Crew offense explode out of the blocks was exhausting. Let’s cool down with some fanmail, shall we? DF, how’d you really break your leg last year? Well, let me just say this, inquisitive fan—while I’ve been known to kick ass and take names, the “kicking” part is more dangerous than one might think, at least depending on the tensile strength of the ass in question.

Kubo and Dash--Tim

But enough about DF, if such a thing is even possible. [It totally is.—Ed.] Can the Sirens answer the Fight Crew’s early charge? Early on, the answer appears to be “maybe,” as Raven Seaward and Minnie Juggs drop a couple of early point-scoring jams to narrow the gap. But then the Crew start force-feeding the Sirens the same medicine they dealt in the first quarter—steady, consistent jamming from Haughty, Toughy, Gloom, and Chargin’ Tina, along with bone-crunchery from Broady and the rest of the highly disciplined FC blocker pack. PITA takes advantage of a power jam at half’s end to rack nine and give her Sirens hope, but even so the Fight Crew continue to enjoy a robust lead at the interval, 63-39.

Ah, sweet halftime repose—a Tecate-swilling, superextended-piss-taking, fan-mail-answering break in the action. Here’s a cracker of a Q: DF, is it true you’ve got an extended rap sheet? Indeed it is, amigo: I’ve been hauled in eight times for public urination, but escaped conviction seven times by restyling my alfresco self-relievement as First-Amendment-protected self-expression. Oh, and then there was the time I was in the pokey due to a “public mischief” charge related to some … unpleasantness … at a Lane Bryant in Chula Vista, about which the less said the better. Consider also this reader’s thoughtful query: DF, you mother-crapping son-of-a-bitch, I’m gonna shoot you in the face! Hm, that’s not a question, but I agree heartily with the sentiment. Et maintenant, madames et monsieurs, les LA Derby Dolls vouz presentent: la deuxieme parte!

PITA on rail--Tim

Early in the third, blocker-turned-jammin’-jammer PITA laps the pack twice early on for a nine-pointer that gets her side within striking distance, but after that disciplinary matters doom any chance at a comeback. Siren major penalties gift the Fight Crew three power jams, and Haught Wheels, Judy Gloom, and Chargin’ Tina take full advantage of the opening. The third quartile witnesses the Crew widen their lead to 97-51 with just one period left.  DF celebrates the latter with a truly orotund belch, though applause from other media types is not duly forthcoming (obviously due to petty jealousy).

Ooh, here’s a literary reader question: DF, which book has inspired you the most? Well, let’s see. The stalwarts at Juggs Magazine always come up with spirited copy, and the anonymous contributors to “Classic Toilet Humor III” really broke new ground. But I’d have to go with “The Giving Tree,” because the idea of a giant anthropomorphic tree is profoundly macabre and terrifying. I read that book as a wee child, and to this day I remain so scared shitless of trees that I will burst into hysterical screams whenever I see one.


Yikes—that may have been an overshare. No matter: The fourth quartile brings little in the way of boutcome-related tension, given the Fight Crew’s yawning maw of a lead, though there’s no shortage of entertaining action. There are some mammoo jams—Haughty for the Crew and Dash Assault for the Sirens each hitting the ten-point mark, with “That’s So” Raven Seaward earning high-scoring-jam plaudits for a twelve-pointer. By the end of the bout, a miasma of fouliness prevails, and half of the last ten jams feature solo jammers and depleted packs. And then the final whistle sounds to raucous cheers from the Hi-Fi throng, and we all behold a sight not much seen ‘round the Doll Fac in recent years: For ’tis the crimson-clad evil stewardesses of the Fight Crew, circling the banked track in lusty celebration of pure, unadulterated, sweet Rocky Mountain triumph, 123-92.

Oh, all right, there’s time for one final question from a [totally invented—Ed.] fan before I quit. DF, do you have a motto? Why yes, it’s ego flatus facio multus. That’s Latin, ignoramuses, which I learned when I was an exchange student in Latin America. And it makes me think of another phrase—plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose. I’ve got no fuckin’ clue what it means, but it sounds classy, right? Point being: The Fight Crew’s margin of victory was as wide as the pre-bout odds against them were long, reminding all in attendance that the LA Derby Dolls deliver not only jock-dropping excitement but also nutsac-kicking surprise results. This all makes DF lick his chops (and adjust his protective codpiece) in advance of what delectable chills, thrills, and spills the end of the LADD season may bring.

FC celebrates--Tim

& with that, DF’s out like tile grout installed by a Boy Scout in a state of existential doubt. But oh there is so much more to the remainder of the Dolls’ 2010 season. With their victory, the Fight Crew (as well as the scrappy Varsity Brawlers) still stand a chance to face off against the Tough Cookies for LADD supremacy this December. But the Swarm will lock up a 2009 Champs Bout rematch if they can defeat the Cookies in forthcoming action at the Doll Factory on October 23. Tixes on sale now, y’all!   Be there or be [draws square in the air a la Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction].

Photos and credits:

1. Chaos 1, Order 0.

2. I just saw this mural on Saturday. It is unfathomably awesome.

3. Kubonator and Dash go airborne.

4. PITA down, very far from out.

5. Dash Assault objects strenuously to something or other.

6. Cherrylicious leads happy Fight Crew in celebrations of season-complexion-changing win.

Photos 1, 3-4, and 6 by Tim the Enchanter; photos 2 & 5 Stalkerazzi. All photos (C) 2010 by LA Derby Dolls; all rights reserved.

Per always, emendatons, commendations, emesis, and comments are welcome at df at losanjealous dot com. Sometimes DF remembers that his Twitter account exists; at other times, he does not. In either case, Twitter is better than Facebook, which is really kinda boring.