»continue reading Photos: Wild Nothing, NHM First Fridays, March 4, 2011

June 12, 1972

A young, optimistic DF arrives, bright-eyed and hopeful, for his first visit to New York City. But immediately after alighting at Port Authority, he inadvertently jaywalks across Fifth Avenue and is retaliatorily kneed in the crotch by an outraged Bella Abzug. Hoping to dull the pain with a local delicacy, he purchases pepperoni pizza from a street vendor, only to have aforementioned piping-hot pizza permanently scorch off 78% of his taste buds. DF then seeks respite and/or succor on a peaceful bench in Central Park, but is set upon by a gang of rogue pigeons, who mug him and torment him with ceaseless coo-ing. These attempts to panhandle for bus fare the hell out of NYC cause DF to get arrested (and, astonishingly, re-kneed in the crotch by Bella Abzug), and eventually land him in Rikers Island for a solid three weeks.

Yeah, it didn’t go well. Since his ill-fated journey, a broken and morose DF has stayed far away from the NYC, but has long hoped to get revenge on his nemesis city. And tonight, the LA Derby Dolls have taken it upon themselves to avenge DF’s ill-treatment by the Big Apple by taking on New York’s Gotham Girls in a DF-inspired grudge match–

[DF, remember our discussion about utterly making shit up? And our little chat about libel? —ed.] Oh, all right, here’s the real story: the LA Derby Dolls have, in fact, thrown down the gauntlet vis-à-vis New York’s Gotham Girls in a cross-country battle royale, ’tis true. But the connection with DF’s dismal history with NY is a mere coincidence. Rather, ’twill be a contest for derby supremacy on many levels: East Coast v. West Coast. Flat track v. banked track. Biggie v. Tupac. Son of Sam v. Night Stalker. Jay-Z v. Katy Perry. Gritty realism v. sunny optimism. False dichotomies versus … ah, shit, let’s just check the bout.
»continue reading East Coast/West Coast Throwdown: LA Ri-ettes v. Gotham Girls All-stars @ the Doll Factory, 2/26/2011

The opening scene finds the domesticated (shirt tucked in, hair parted) Alan in the kitchen engaged in the motherly duty of packing a picnic basket for a night at the Hollywood Bowl with a date to see Michael Bublé perform. Meanwhile, his brother Charlie, the sexual extrovert of the duo, donning his familiar shorts and floral print rayon shirt, signifying his laid-back style, is overtaken this morning with ennui and laments that he has no one with whom to hang out, having soured on Jake, Alan’s son, who spends the bulk of this episode in a minor subplot involving constant telephone contact with friends. Alan suggests Charlie widen his field of female company from which to choose and attempt to date what he terms “age appropriate” women; the suggestion visibly baffles Charlie. To illustrate this point, Charlie further explicates, “You need a woman whose head is for more than resting your ankles!” the awkward imagery being that of Charlie engaged in sexual congress with a female, in the missionary position, his partner’s legs bent to the point were her ankles are physically able rest atop his head. Alan spells this out further to mean “40-year-old women”, the suggestion of which bowls Charlie over and sets him off on a strange tangent wherein he articulates a deep-seated fear of older women’s oversized earlobes.

Read More: Emasculation and Ennui of the Man-Child Charlie on Two and a Half Men

Follow Charlie Sheen’s Migration to Reality TV on Twitter: @charliesheen