DF waxes literary & previews LADD bout (Sirens v. Fight Crew, 4/16/2011)

Derby SaturdayApril, as the man sez, is the cruelest month, because it looks nice out but it’s really ball-shrivelingly cold, and there are all kinds of snails and whatnot underfoot, which is kind of gross. You know who said that? Shakespeare, emm-effers! DF knows that because he is smart, and also because he is well-read. And do you know what Shakespeare’s favorite sport was? Why, it was roller derby, of course! Don’t believe? Watch, I’ll prove it.

By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. –Macbeth. Well, here the Bard was clearly trying to do a little preview of his own, referring to this weekend’s bout ‘twixt the Sirens and Fight Crew as something wicked awesome that is coming this very Saturday. As for the thumb-prick part, this clearly suggests Shakespeare was into some weird sexual shit, but hey—let’s not judge the guy, and we all know that writers are kinda freaky on that front.

Fair is foul, and foul is fair. –Macbeth. Ah yes, here Bill S. was clearly taking a shot at the refs, suggesting that their judgments are inconsistent. Apparently Shakespeare is a Tough Cookies fan, and is still smarting over their upset loss against the Varsity Brawlers a couple weekends ago. But that’s no reason to be a whiner, Shakie—the Brawlers won that one fair and square!

Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight!/ For I ne’er saw true beauty till this night. –Romeo & Juliet.
Shakespeare was a horny old bastard, which explains why he always wore a codpiece. Here, he’s referring to some impossible fan crush he has on a derby girl. Who is it? I’ll never tell—because I honestly have no idea.

So as these three examples clearly illustrate, all literary critics to date saying that Shakespeare wrote about love, or revenge, or tragic flaws were all 100% wrong. Shakespeare wrote about one and only one thing, the greatest theme of all—roller derby! And I have only one beef with the Bard on this score. What the hell is so cruel about April, you high-frilled-collar wearing freak? April is awesome, because there are not one but two eminently radical bouts for your viewing pleasure. Two weekends ago, the upstart Brawlers upset the three-time defending champion Tough Cookies, and this Saturday, April 16, two of LADD’s OG sides, the Sirens and the Fight Crew, will wage war on ye olde banked track. After the last bout, the standings are all in a jumble, so this bout will determine early season supremacy. Tixes are still available here y’all, and as Bill Shakespeare himself might say, “Buy thy tickets now, and hie ye hence to the Doll Factory, to quaff deep of the derby, which is the very stuff of life itself.”

Image by Sinnerama based on a photo by Joe Rollerfan. (C) 2011 by LA Derby Dolls. All rights reserved. Email df at losanjealous dot com with commentary and recommendations for foods that won’t give him diarrhea (and good goddamned luck with that). Then follow DF on Twitter to see if your recommendations worked! (Hint: they will not have worked.)