Where in the World is DF? An LADD bout preview (Fight Crew v. Varsity Brawlers, 10/1/2011)

Dear Losanjealous Readers,

We write to inquire if any of you have seen or heard from Losanjealous author, roller derby aficionado, and A1 sauce recovering addict DF of late. He was last spotted just over the Argentina/Bolivia border this July, where Argentine prison officials had deposited him after DF refused to leave jail at the conclusion of his sentence for aggravated public urination (apparently incarceration was luxurious compared to DF’s usual lifestyle). During August, there were reports of a mysterious Americano who rode through the villages of Peru, calling himself “el Tonto,” and taking on all comers in mescal-drinking competitions, who by all accounts may well have been DF (especially given the reports about the mysterious Americano’s impressive belching abilities, and the “¡Revolución!” tattoo that reportedly adorned this wandering stranger’s buttocks).

This inquiry should not be misconstrued as eagerness to have DF back in the Losanj offices. If anything, his absence has led to a marked decrease in general odiferousness, inexplicable swearing outbursts, and drunken antique-pistol-brandishing. But he does owe several of us substantial sums thanks to his repeated, and frankly baffling, willingness to place large bets on the Providence Grays, a major league baseball team that hasn’t existed since the 1880s. And while DF almost certainly lacks the cash to pay his gambling debts, we could at least use this as leverage to get him to clean the bathrooms and do other menial tasks around here.

This weekend offers an especially promising chance to espy DF, for if anything would bring him back to L.A., it would be the chance to see roller derby, and in particular his beloved LA Derby Dolls, who are competing this very Saturday, Oct. 1. Indeed, derby fans like DF, or really anyone else with a pulse would find this weekend’s tilt a compelling spectacle. The bout will feature the Varsity Brawlers against the Fight Crew, and in contrast to previous years, the VBs and the FC both remain very much alive in the hunt for the 2011 LADD championship with records of one win and one loss each. The victor will be catapulted into the thick of the first-place race, the loser will drift toward the cellar. For even more titillation and/or scintillation, check this heartrate-quickening bout preview. Tix are going fast but are still available here, kids, so snap them up now for a chance to watch this crucial late-season throwdown, and also keep your eyes peeled for our long-lost compadre DF.

–LaVerne Casagrande, Losanjealous jefe

Cover art by Sinnerama; (C) 2011 by LA Derby Dolls; all rights reserved.