»continue reading Papercuts & The Black Heart Procession @ The Satellite This Friday 12/2 & Saturday 12/3–Win Tickets

Wait, what the hell is that headline? No, not “totally accurate,” “greatly exaggerated.” It’s supposed to be “greatly exaggerated”– Ah, screw it. I’ve returned to the Losanj fold from a long hiatus, but apparently editorial accuracy has not. [Attention, DF: choke on a crap sandwich.—ed.]

 
And what a glorious hiatus it was! Despite the various rumors afoot that I was mysteriously missing, in point of fact I was simply traveling the world, in search of inner peace, gratuitous shouting matches, geographical oddities, cryptozoological phenomena, additional inner peace, the perfect haggis, and finally, some more inner peace.

It was an unqualified success. Matters began in a South American prison, as they typically do with me. Upon celebrating my Papillon-like escape from the carceral scenario with several gallons of purloined pruno, the ensuing coma blacked out the subsequent several weeks, and the next thing I recall I was living in a hut in the Bolivian highlands, married to a village wise woman who was visibly pregnant with my quintuplets.

Since I can tolerate litters of only eight or more children (cf. my still-raging Octomom obsession), I fled this scene for the balmy South Pacific, where I sought succor on the shores of a palmy atoll, with only my thoughts to consume me. As solitude with my thoughts ceased to be interesting in exactly thirteen seconds, I then skedaddled to China, where I created My Little Ponies at a Beijing sweatshop for a few sun-dappled weeks. Then a brief stop-off in Tibet allowed me to verify the existence of the Yeti (sure he exists, but he’s not nearly as abominable as legend would have it).

»continue reading Rumors of DF’s Death Are Totally Accurate: An LA Derby Dolls Championship Bout Preview (Sirens v. Swarm, 12/3/2011)