I met my editor, tyrant and micromanager, Ryan at the Kibitz room for the “Kibitz Komune!”, a Soren Gray benefit show featuring The Vacation, Paul Chesne, Soren Gray, Drugstore Cowgirls and more! Ryan had warned me to conduct myself as a pillar of journalistic integrity and to NOT mix up the Tegels and not to annoy the barstaff for he is a regular there. He told me to show up on time, not to imbibe too much and to GET MY STORY IN RIGHT AWAY. He must have spoken to LaVerne who might be a bit miffed at me since she caught me trying to wheel the Kegerator out of the conference room afterhours. As a matter of fact, Ryan informed me that he wasn’t taking “any of my sass” and that he has a “zero tolerance policy for foolishness” whilst on assignment. He wasn’t taking any chances. He was shadowing me for the night and making sure I didn’t charge up the Losanjealous Amex with t-shirts, shots for everyone in the bar (that only happened once and it was as the Tiki Ti and there were only four people in the bar!) and that I didn’t dance onstage while I was supposed to be taking photos.

10:23 pm
Arrive at venue. Ryan is nowhere to be seen. Door guy gives me lip about there being a dress code. I say that I’m in a dress, so what’s the problem. Door guy says I need “more flair”…whatever that means. Finally lets me in as I agree to wear his hand made bedazzled donkey brooch and pass out his bedazzling business cards.

10:30 pm
Text message to Ryan: M here. hve notebook & camra. Whr u?
10:33 pm
Text message to Ryan: Dude. M @ bar. dont mke me drink.
10:35 pm
Text message to Ryan: 1 of Tegels next 2 me @ bar. Not sure which one. Byng shot.

10:36 pm
Ryan is standing behing me and asking if I used the Amex to buy the shot and hissing at me not to drink with the Tegels, not to buy any tortas and to get up to the front of the stage and take photos because Paul Chesne is going on.

10:38 pm
While shooting photos of Paul Chesne who is playing with members of the Vacation, I spot Ryan in the mirror doing shots with a redhead.
»continue reading Kibitz Komune @ Canter’s, April 5: The Losanjealous Timeline

The setup: I PITY THE FOOL that schedules the All Smiles show at 1:30. Mr. T was on another recon mission in Austin for this SXSW thing. Everybody knows that parking’s scarce for a tactical command unit and that fool Murdock was outta the van before you can say “The Office of the Governor has a zero tolerance policy for nonsense on 6th street, FOOL!”

The rationale: Face wasn’t pickin’ up his cell phone and some fool was blocking the street interviewin’ fools for the Tonight Show. How’s a T supposed to parallel park with a giant string section standin’ in my A-Team Van loading zone!

The altercation: “Hey FOOL! You might be a musical genius, but you aint no parkin’ genius! Get outta my loading zone before I comb your hair, suckah!”

Mr. T: Hey Fools! Don’t you suckas know what LOADING ZONE MEANS?
»continue reading Mr. T Visitor Guide: Wayne Coyne Incident, SXSW

»continue reading SXSW 2007: Girl Talk @ Elysium

»continue reading SXSW 2007: The Good, The Bad And The Queen @ Stubbs

»continue reading SXSW 2007: Public Enemy @ Town Lake

»continue reading SXSW 2007: The Cops @ Longbranch Inn

»continue reading SXSW 2007: Meat Puppets @ The Parish

Apparently Frank McCourt doesn’t go to Dodger Stadium the ghetto way…by my house.

Or this would be gone too.

Not that I care about the baseball…and I love the Anaheim Angels’ logo… it’s all Red and pretty and there’s something devilish about that font…the two little points on the side of the A, then they go and cap it with a halo… but seriously….

The entire route to Dodger Stadium on Sunset Boulevard is a huge visual FU to the Dodgers. Every single bus ad is this logo. Most billboards are this logo. It’s kind of like gang tagging in someone else’s neighborhood. And to top it all off….there was a HUGE billboard across from the entrance to Dodger’s Stadium on Sunset and Elysian Park.

That lasted about a week.
»continue reading Photo Op: Entrance to Dodger Stadium

If this were an episode of Gray’s Anatomy, you’d find me waking up on a Saturday morning in bed with Dr. Yang or Dr. Torres or Preston Burke naked and screaming “SERIOUSLY?” at the camera while Dido or Psapp played over my Hallmark Card musings and my beeper blows up while we cut to Bailey screaming “Where is that stupid intern? I need her here STAT.”

Instead, Saturday morning finds me waking up face down on my couch in my boots with writing all over my arm and my dog sleeping on my legs. I have vague memories of someone driving my car home the night before and either I decided to go get an enormous tattoo of the Aurora Borealis above my right knee, or I may have been kicked in the leg by a donkey. My phone has been ringing repeatedly for the last 20 minutes and in my Meredith Gray moment, I sit up on the couch, knocking the dog to the ground and say “SERIOUSLY? How did I get so drunk last night? I only had 3 beers!” Instead of Dido, though, an infomercial with Erik Estrada encouraging me to buy land at a vacation resort in Wisconsin is BLARING from the TV.

61 missed calls…ugh. I answer. It’s LaVerne and she’s going apeshit because I changed the alarm code at the Losanjealous building. Apparently Ryan and Victor have already been detained by our own rent-a-cops for typing the wrong code in 6 times.
»continue reading Yo Majesty @ The Echo

»continue reading All Smiles @ Spaceland, 1.29.07

WALK OF FAMER: Smilin’ Ed McConnell

ENVIRONMENTAL CONSIDERATIONS: Star is situated directly in front of store that sells plastic stripper shoes

WALK OF FAMER: Parkyakarkus

ENVIRONMENTAL CONSIDERATIONS: Star is situated in the driveway of a shady parking lot that charges $25.00 and is full of potholes

Obviously, these are from before the show was cut short due to illness. (The poor dear is getting over a chest infection.) The good news is that last night’s show will be rescheduled for early December and your El Rey ticket stub will be honored. We’ll have the details here as soon as we get them. –Ed.
»continue reading Lady Sovereign @ El Rey, 11/16/06

The setup: Mr. T was late to the Tony Bennet show at the Kodak Theatre. Parking’s scarce for a tactical command unit and that fool Murdock gave me bunk directions. Luckily I ran into a midget in an alley.

The rationale: Face wasn’t pickin’ up his cell phone and any fool can give me better directions than Murdock.

The altercation: The midget didn’t know where the Kodak Theatre was. She started actin’ the fool, sayin’ she wasn’t from here and if I didn’t like it, try and deport her. Mr. T don’t take no backtalk. Then she gave T a bunk chiropractic adjustment. This ain’t over.
»continue reading Mr T. Visitor Guide: Why I Has A Beef Wif Lady Sovereign