SOUTH LOS ANGELES (CBS)―The Los Angeles Police Department is asking for the public’s help in identifying a robber who has been dubbed the “left-handed eyeglass bandit.”

The man has been linked to eight business robberies in South Los Angeles since Oct. 21.

Anyone with information, was asked to call (877)LAPD-247.

Now, if you see a guy that looks like this ⇒

It’s not him.

It is not entirely clear why he steals eyeglasses.
 
 

“Whereas, heretofore, nevertheless, etc., DF herein alleges that the following is true and correct:*

“¶ 15. Extensive photographic evidence reveals that DF had, as early as 1993, and possibly though not necessarily earlier, looked pensively up and to the left—in precisely the same manner captured by the AP’s photograph of Barack Obama.

“¶ 17. Witnesses will amply and voluminously support DF’s claim of rightful ownership by testifying that they stated, upon seeing conduct specified in aforementioned ¶ 15, ‘Hey, DF, what is located up and to your left that is making you pensive?’

“¶ 78. Extensive documentary evidence reveals that DF had, as early as 1990, and possibly though not necessarily earlier, used the word ‘Hope’—the very same word used in the popular posters of Barack Obama.

“¶ 82. Among the many convincing examples of the phenomenon articulated in aforementioned ¶ 79 include DF utterances such as, ‘I hope that prostitute is not a cop’, ‘I hope that prostitute was joking about having the clap’, and ‘I hope this sensation that my urethra is on fire is not a symptom of the clap.’

“¶ 131. In light of AP’s egregious and wrongful appropriation of both DF’s signature pensive-up-and-to-the-left look, and its contribution to the creation of a poster that egregiously and wrongfully appropriated DF’s signature ‘hope’ catchphrase, DF demands that the AP compensate DF in the amount of $40,000 in actual damages, $423,312.32 in compensation for pain and suffering, $1.43 million in punitive damages, and $3.78 billion in ‘Penalty for first party to threaten a horseshit lawsuit’ damages.

“¶ 146. In light of AP’s egregious and wrongful appropriation of DF’s signature look and its contribution to wrongful appropriation of DF’s signature catchphrase, DF further seeks injunctive relief against AP. Specifically, DF seeks that this court order the AP to make amends for its shameful flouting of core property rights and values by (1) printing a full-page ad in all major American newspapers reading ‘We are abjectly and piteously sorry, O beloved DF; you are our King’; (2) replacing the H2O in the AP water coolers with emesis-inducing ipecac syrup for a span of one (1) week; and/or (3) submitting to a vigorous spanking administered by the winner of the latest ‘World’s Strongest Man’ competish.”

Media outlets are free to cite or otherwise mention this exclusive and enormously important news item. If, however, they do so in a way that even vaguely displeases this site’s creators (including but not limited to the compulsively litigious LaVerne Casagrande), Losanjealous.com reserves the right to sue the pants off them. It’s how we roll. Create at your own risk, bitches.

*By which we mean “utterly and completely fabricated”, so if you believe even a shred of this to be actual and/or factual, you need to take 10 cc’s of irony, STAT.

IMAGE CREDIT: AP photo by Manny Garcia. Poster by Shepard Fairey based on AP photo by Manny Garcia. Photo reprinted from Yahoo! News, which was taken from the Associated Press. Photo reprinted sans formal permission from Yahoo! News or the Assosicated Press, but with full standard blog attribution. (Does such a thing exist? Where does it end!? Cease-and-desist me if you must.)

Update: As Gawker has pointed out, the 2008 Obama campaign had Fairey design an entirely separate poster, knowing full well the original image was AP copyrighted. Next, go check out the WashPost’s graphic breakdown of the above controversial poster back in May of last year – published months after the new legally-safe poster had been added to the Obama campaign store – and note how the WP writer deftly describes how Shepard “straightens the jacket lapels” while neglecting to publish the original photo, thereby denying you any sort of context.