For Christ’s Sake! It’s That Time of Year Again…

How To Create A 110′ Tall Tree Out Of Multiple Trees And Make It Look Perfectly Fake: The Grove Christmas Tree Primer

1. Put up gigantic phallic tree trunk, sans branches
2. Add PVC sprinkler piping
3. “Screw” branches into place, tying or affixing to other branches where need be
4. Not too many, and not too irregular! Make it perfectly, abnormally conical
5. Leave room for ample Nordstrom packages at base
6. It looks perfectly abnormally conical, but still too much like a real tree
7. Spraypaint that motherfucker an abnormally uniform forest green
8. Add ornaments, lights and you are done! The tree shall tower over the Hasidic core of Los Angeles like no other before it, with the exception of the one that was constructed and stood in this verysame spot last year, and the one the year before that, and so forth, beginning in 2002 Anno Domini.

»continue reading How To Create A 110′ Tall Tree Out Of Multiple Trees And Make It Look Perfectly Fake: The Grove Christmas Tree Primer

“I was on the top of the trolley and it was going full speed and then we just crashed,” said Wonoh Massaquoi, who was celebrating her graduation from the University of Southern California with family and friends.

Massaquoi said her mother, who was also on the trolley, injured her arm and was treated by paramedics.

Massaquoi said she saw three injured also being treated.

“They were all bloodied,” she said. (KNBC)

No members of Hot Hot Heat were onboard at the time of the crash. Read on…

» LAT
» LAT part deux
» Chico Enterprise Record
» LAist
» OC Register
» WTOP news merges the tale with a van crashing in NYC
» FOX6 San Diego looks to the malls of the north
» KNBC
» KCAL sends a chopper
» ABC7 sends a chopper for identical (albeit HD) disappointing footage (pullquote: “Any time you’re on board a moving vehicle and the brakes fail, you’re bound for a wild ride…”

Trolley @ xmas by numberstumper

HEADS UP AND SHOPPING
Hot Hot Heat @ The Grove just outside Crate and Barrel Thu 5/8

In a not altogether unpuzzling turn of events, Hot Hot Heat will play a free show at everybody’s favorite Vegas-sized mall The Grove™, tomorrow evening, for the Canadian Board of Tourism. We’re told the show kicks off at 745 pm (Serena Ryder opens) with British Columbia’s own Hot Hot Heat purportedly taking stage sometime after (HHH’s official website has the show starting at 630pm, further adding to our overall confusion about the affair). Go Canada! You have been duly advised.

Hot Hot Heat @ The Greek by Sung

SHEER GROVE
» The Grove™ Luxuriously Cushy Shade-Enabling Devices
» Grove To Self: Today’s iPhone Clusterfuck Goal In Full-On OutFuckingPerform Status
» Time Capsule: The Grove Parking Structure: One Year Ago Today
» The Grove Parking Structure, 12/20/05
» After Hours Grove Xmas-Ness Surges Into ‘Holy Fucking Shit’ Territory
» Stallone To Punch, Sign Books At Grove Barnes and Gravy

»continue reading BY POPULAR DEMAND: High-Resolution Photos of The Grove™ Luxuriously Cushy Shade-Enabling Devices Offered iPhone Loiterers

THE GROVE (Losanjealous):: One of our hundred-dozen field reporters sends in these topical, in-the-moment photos of the overabundance of noontime fools denizens currently serving time outside the Grove Apple Store as they anxiously await the six o’clock hour this iDay.

[WARNING: COMPLETELY SFW PHOTOS AFTER THE JUMP...]

»continue reading Grove To Self: Today’s iPhone Clusterfuck Goal In Full-On OutFuckingPerform Status

HOLLYWOOD (Losanjealous) :: Friday’s Grove Xmas-ness rocketed just before the buzzer, ultimately surpassing the believed-to-be unbreakable Xmas level reached in 2004. Xmas levels are expected to fluctuate during off-Xmas hours , ultimately peaking at 4pm Saturday, Pacific Standard Time, before petering into a somewhat normalized Xmas is fucking over flatline.

Left: Xmas Seen At All-Time-Fucking High

 

 

 

 

 

 

Victor’s subtle masterpiece The Grove Parking Structure, 12/20/05 became a zeitgeist of its age, heralding the hopelessness of the congestion at the corner of Third and Fairfax while providing the viewer with unequivocal proof that Victor himself was a part of the problem, attempting entry into aforementioned at the time of capture . . .

UPDATE: Having learned nothing from last year’s battle, Victor returned to the site to face the beast again. He photographed this 2006 version at 6:39 p.m. today.

Race you to the top, suckers.

You still haven’t bought ‘Sly Moves’ and you call yourself an angeleno. When he runs for office, I will be saying I told you so. Cheer up my friend, for you are in for a great read soon. According to his official website:

“Your next opportunity to meet Sly and get a signed copy of the book is Saturday, June 11, 2005, 16:00pm,BARNES & NOBLE #2089, 189 Grove Drive, Los Angeles, CA 90036.”

Publishers Weekly raves:
“…certain sections are puzzling (e.g., Stallone says, “forget StairMaster, it’s a waste of effort,” yet the accompanying photo shows a woman poised on one of those very machines).”

For what it’s worth, I recommend the following schedule for your Grovy afternoon:
3pm: Park at the grove.
315pm: Get in line to meet Sly Stallone. In event of absence of line, become the front of the line.
4pm: Meet Stallone. Buy Book(s).
415pm: Sit in corner of Barnes and Gravy and read entire book.
5pm (+- three hours based on reading level): Get back in line. In event of absence of line, become the front of the line.
505pm: Discuss book with Stallone with your ‘just finished reading’ perspective.
515pm: Annoy Stallone by shifting conversation gears and bringing up Oscar
6pm: Go to Crate and Barrel. Look at wine glasses. Leave without buying anything.
620pm: Make for the farmer’s market. Get nervous because you see Sly and Frank Stallone outside the Grove Theatre, and you have been talking to them all day long and you don’t want them to view you as a crazed stalker fan, which of course you are. Hide behind lady in jacket with a stroller and two kids and pretend like you don’t see them.
630pm: Buy 1/2lb. Goat Cheese @ mr. marcel.
645pm: You’re done! Get the car and go home.

Our favorite mall to Angeleno-gawk, The Grove, is planning to open an American Girl® retail branch in 2006, just the 3rd in the country. And these ain’t your mothers’ dolls. “Molly McIntire® is a lively, lovable schemer and dreamer growing up in 1944. The world is at war, and she misses her father who is overseas caring for wounded soldiers … ” So begins the backstory of Molly, one of the 10 “characters” from the high-end doll phenomenon owned by Mattel. You see, the American Girl® characters come from a wide range of “American” experiences across the 200+ years of our nation. There’s Kaya, the Native American in 1764; Addy, the escaped slave in 1864; Kit, the Midwesterner in the Great Depression, among others. See, it’s progressive American history (accessories not included). Howard Zinn must have the whole set of these dollies. To further give each character a sense of era, there are all sorts of props that go with each.

So let’s have a look at the merch. $84 is the base price for any of the dolls. So you’re already in for a Benjamin just to get started with this stuff. And that’s so just the beginning. This is a whole culture you are buying into. Using at that “lively, lovable schemer and dreamer” Molly, as an example, let’s look at the add-ons. Of course you have to have Molly’s Beach Chair ($20), Molly’s 1944 swimsuit ($24), Molly’s camping equipment ($18), Molly’s Dude Ranch Outfit ($24). And if Molly gets tired of standing, there’s Molly’s Chrome Table and Chairs ($65). The best part is that there is an accompanying series of books for each character that chronicals the adventures of your doll for you. There are over 20 (!) “Molly” books alone (such page-turners as “Molly Learns a Lesson” and “Molly’s Surprise”). Why have your girls imagine their own adventures for their dolls when Mattel can write them out and sell them to you?

Can’t you just see the trophy wives and their spoiled brats lined up at The Grove now? While you’re there snarking on them, grab some enchiladas at Loteria Grill and hoist a pitcher to American history and capitalism. Mainly the latter.