Coachella Festival 2008: The Weekend in Food

While most people were making lists of what bands they couldn’t miss, texting friends in hopes of getting on the guest list for various invitation-only pool parties, and planning their skimpy wardrobes, I was thinking about how much festival food I could realistically consume in the three days I would be at Coachella.

Now, you’d think that a person who, with the help of an equally culianarily adventurous friend, invented and consumed something called a “McNuggitini” (no, seriously) would be able to eat all sorts of deep fried and heart-attack-be-damned treats and walk away with a spring in her step and a smile on her face, right? I pride myself on having no “food guilt” and not being one of those girls that obsesses about each and every calorie, and I promise you’ll never see me order a salad when what I really want is a burger…life’s too short not to enjoy it. But! Festival foods, you’re were a worthy adversary, and I hate to admit defeat, but I think I’ve been bested.

Sure, the weekend started off sugary. But in my defense, I needed a little energy boost for the drive, and I recently swore off coffee. Alright, fine…I’m also madly in love with Piña Colada Slurpies. After that, though, I was determined to show Festival Foods who was boss by opting for a somewhat healthier choice, a veggie burger:

Although it was sitting on a slab of yellow, processed cheese, I determined that this was a wise decision, especially compared to the melange of unhealthy options. Only at a festival will you find a once-healthy vegetable, prepared in such a way that it becomes a cardiologist’s worst nightmare.

Exhibit A:

“How’s about we take an unassuming artichoke, slather it in some sort of mayonnaise concoction…and what they hell, lets toss some salad shrimp into the mix, just to throw everyone off. Also, can we talk about this “neckerchief” trend? Really, people? Neckerchiefs?” said the Festival

Although I wholeheartedly disagree with the festival’s opinion that an artichoke swimming in a pool of dairy and seafood is considered edible, he’s got a point with the whole “neckerchief” thing. Seriously people, y’all look like a Labrador that belongs to an eccentric yuppie.

Anyway, watching cute girls nibble on healthy food can make a less anorexically inclined girl such as myself quite hungry.

Looking pretty while eating ain’t an easy feat…especially when it’s 102 degrees and you’re wearing a onesie.

So in a last ditch effort to stave off food of the artery clogging variety a little longer, I desperately grabbed for the first thing that didn’t look like it was going to cause diabetes…a coconut. This ended up being the best thing I ate at Coachella, perhaps even the best thing I’ve eaten in weeks (don’t tell the bacon wrapped hot dog…we both know how jealous he gets).

After drinking the murky, refreshing “milk” out of the coconut, the nice vendor takes a frighteningly sharp hatchet and expertly whacks it in half. I was too excited about devouring the innards to remember to take a picture…but trust me, it was as pretty as it was yummy.

It was all downhill from there, though, I’m sorry to admit. Sure, there were vegetable-type foods which could be wrapped in a bland tortilla, as pictured here:

and here:

But if you’re like me, and words like “hacky sack” and “Jack Johnson” aren’t regulars in your vocabulary, that really isn’t your style. No…people like us, we know you can’t visit a festival without your stomach getting a little pwn3d, and after a tentative bite of a delicious slice of spicy sausage, peperoni, and onion pizza from Spicy Pie

I was a goner. There was only veggie and turkey to choose from in the corn dog category, neither of which I would normally be fond of, but they looked perfectly crispy and were the size of a baby’s arm, but without all those damn bones to get in the way.

Ms. Alie Ward…sad because she knows she’s going to eat the whole damn thing.

We chose veggie and if you’re one of those people who think “vegetarian” equals “healthy”, this would have set you straight. It was insanely yummy…so much so, that we shared another the very next day. That’s saying a lot, considering there was so much more artery clogging goodness to be had…

Like garlic fries and cheese steak sandwiches…and greasy Thai food…and giant bags of kettle corn (aka crack dusted w/ sugar)…

and even more pizza! And of course, no festival would be complete without the mother of all treats, the funnel cake.

So, Festival, I accept defeat gracefully. Sure, there was better, healthier, free food to be had at those swanky VIP parties,

but that entailed having to wait in 30 minute lines with a bunch of vapid hipsters in tacky bathing suits and ironic sunglasses, and I can take only about ten minutes of that before I start questioning the meaning of life, which is exacerbated by the three lukewarm (although free) Heineken’s I more than likely already consumed.

So although the VIP parties have the Ice Cream Man

you, my dear Festival, have boiling vat of dirty oil, frying away the foods that are guaranteed to pwn my stomach, and capture my heart. And this is why I’ll see you next year…but also why I’ve decided to go vegan for a week.