September 10, 2009. 3.15pm. A Doctor’s Office, Westlake, Los Angeles, CA. “You can come out from under the observation table,” the doctor told DF, “I am not going to hit you with this cane, rather I want to you use it.” DF, it turns out, has been graduated from a crutch-walker to a cane-user, which sounds lame (in all senses of the word) but is actually a large step (again, no pun intended) in the broke-leg recovery process. The downside is that one must ambulate publicly with an accoutrement more appropriate for an octogenarian than for an esteemed and not entirely unyouthful (“read: middle-aged”—ed.) man-about-town.

September 12, 2009. 7.13pm. HiFi, Losanjealous, CA. Fair enough, doc. Given that DF must cane-walk for the foreseeable, he’s decided not only to own the cane but to own the living crap out of it, and to incorporate it into a look and persona that represents his overall classiness. Hence DF arrives at the Doll Factory for the Sirens/Swarm clash with not only the aforementioned cane, but also with a dapper three-piece tux of the finest powder-blue polyester (replete with ruffled dickey—which is totally an article of clothing so get yer minds out of the gutter); an Abe Lincoln stovepipe hat; spats & cravats; a seegar in a seegar holder; and several monocles in each eye.

7.46pm. Truly, DF’s novel sartotial ensemble is a testament to class. And yet there’s something (almost) as momentous brewing at la Fabrica de Munecas tonite. ‘Tis a significance-fraught clash between one of LADD’s historically most successful teams, the Sirens, and this season’s brazen upstarts, SDDD all-star assemblage the Swarm. Much hangs in the balance: the Swarm have raced out to an undefeated (2-0) first half, though the Sirens (1-1) can pull even with a victory tonight. The Factory is crowded and DF is sweaty (thanks to his heavy patrician garb) in anticipation of this titanic tussle.

»continue reading A Classy Affaire: Swarm v. Sirens @ the Doll Factory, 9/12/2009

Prelude. How was your summer, dear readership? What’s that you say? It was good, with the sunny days and the outdoor recreation and the grill-cookouts and the friendly friends? Well, that’s great. I’m happy for you. Oh, and how was DF’s summer, you want to know? Why, how very kind of you to ask. Let’s see, how do I put this? How about en Francais: it blew le chunks. And to translate from the French for you goddamned philistines, that’s how the frogs say that DF’s summer was as about as enjoyable as eating an enormous, hairy elephant-ass sandwich with an XL plate of steaming kittykat feces on the side, all washed down with a 64oz tankard of yeti snot.

Ahem. To explain for those of you who have been living under a rock and/or failing to read regular DF-related updates on the justifiably popular blog “All DF All the Time”, DF (due, predictably, to a perilous combination of inebriation, clumsiness, and pure unadulterated idiocy) experienced a truly spectacular dual fracture of his left tibia and fibula back in mid-June and spent the rest of the summer largely horizontal and in various stages of massive discomfort and/or Vicodin-induced haze.

So it’s been a shut-in couple of months for DF, but his recovery is well under way and at long last it’s time for him to make his crutch-tastic debut, complete with comically pronounced limp. And what better place to re-introduce the world to the new, hobbled DF than the Doll Factory, where the Fight Crew will try to break their loooong regular season losing skid against the Varsity Brawlers, who are looking to win for the first time in their (admittedly short) history? In other words, derby people, it’s time to bring out the gimp!

»continue reading Bring Out the Gimp: Fight Crew v. Varsity Brawlers, 8/29/2009 @ the Doll Factory

12.56pm. May 17, 2009. Somewhere along the 105W. Fact: DF loves him some derby. This will surprise no one. And yet that love has always been staunchly monogamous: DF has almost exclusively followed derby of the banked-track variety, and in particular derby practiced by his beloved LA Derby Dolls. And yet to paraphrase the Bard, “There is more derby in heaven and earth, DF, than is dreamt of in your philosophy.” Today, DF goes through the derby looking glass to explore the world beyond LADD of 2-D tracks and WFTDA teams from ‘round the Golden State.

1.17pm. Toyota Sports Center. El Segundo, CA. And so DF arrives at the Toyota Sports Center in El Segundo, an hour or so past noon on Sunday. Toward the venue stream two groups. There are derby folks resplendent in tat and black, eager to see the final rounds of epic derby tourney The Big One. There are also helicopter parents toting athletic gear and over-reared children to the ice hockey venue adjacent. The derby folks seem largely unaware of the helicopter parents; the helicopter parents seem acutely aware (and scared) of the derby folks. The cultural contrast is stark and tremendously amusing.

1.32pm. “The Big One?” you ask. No, it’s not a forthcoming earthquake or hackneyed penis joke. Allow DF to expound: LA’s flat-track counterparts to the banked-track Derby Dolls are the flat-track Angel City Derby Girls (AC/DG), and they are the hostesses of a tournament that has drawn together talent from across the state to determine the flat track women’s roller derby champion of California for 2009. Pretty goddamned momentous, eh? This is actually the second of two days of derby, the first of which consisted of a veritable Bataan Death March of games starting at noon and ending late in the eve, ultimately setting up a pair of semifinal matches to frame the late-tourney action this fine Sunday afternoon.

»continue reading Break on Through to the Other Side: “The Big One” Derby Tourney @ Toyota Sports Center, 5/16/2009

May 9, 2009. 4.56pm. Losanjealous, CA. You’re all well aware, dear readers, that our faire city was shaken to its very shaky foundations this past week by the revelation that a beloved local figure has been implicated in the growing scourge of performance-enhancing drugs that has sullied so many of our most admired professionals. Wait, what’s that? You think I’m referring to Manny Ramirez? Hell no, fools, I said a beloved local figure. DF was talking about DF (which is, to be fair, usually the case) and LaVerne Casagrande’s repeated attempts to test him for compliance with Losanjealous’ policy preventing writers from taking performance-enhancing drugs.

5.15pm. So what that means, loyal readers, is no derby tonight. With LaVerne’s thugs out and about trying to catch me for a random drug test, DF’s best move is to lay low at home. Take in some old eps of Everyone Loves Raymond. Work on deepening my own personal ass-groove in the couch. Maybe call the Larger Ladies’ LoveLine a bit later on. Yep. Evening itinerary set. Go and watch derby by yourselves. Go on, now.

6.48pm. Speeding unabashedly southbound on the 101. Who the hell was I kidding? Le derby is worth the risks of getting nailed by the narcs, not least because tonight bears the frisson of novelty, as LADD’s elite squad, the Ri-ettes, will be taking on the cleverly monikered KC/DC, a hybrid team composed of all-stars from Kansas City’s Roller Warriors, and Albuquerque’s Duke City Derby (the “DC” is for “Duke City”; I have no idea where the “KC” part comes from).

»continue reading Skirts, Skates, Scars, Steroids: LADD Ri-ettes v. KC/DC @ the Doll Factory, 5/9/09

Sarah Silverman. David Cross. Isla Fisher. Andy Dick. Kathy Griffin. Sam Seder. The crème de la improv circuit. Someday, DF may interview some or all of these people. Today, though, he will interview someone who has met all of them instead: Charles “Charlie” Fisher.

It’s often said of writers that their resumes are so long that they cannot be summarized with anything approaching brevity. This is not true of Charlie, but DF is still not going to summarize his resume here because it would be a pain in the ass. Suffice to say that Charlie is many things: sender of emails, resident of the greater LA area, seafood aficionado, and (most saliently for our current purposes) screenwriter who has worked with several celebrities.

This week, Charlie’s magnum opus, The Pilot’s Season, had its online debut on mydamnchannel.com, after an earlier run in 2004 with the now-defunct Trio network. Today, DF converses with this megawatt supernova of a writing genius in an interview exclusive to Losanjealous. Let’s watch!!!

»continue reading The DF Interview: Charlie Fisher of “The Pilot’s Season”

April 9, 2008. 12.29pm. Inglewood, CA. It’s a cool spring day, and DF sits magisterially at a table in in the shadow of the Fabulous Forum (now home to Faithful Central Bible Church, in case you were wondering what happens to LA sports venues when the sports teams desert them). DF is surrounded by seventeen empty box lunches. Some of these other pansies are looking a little green around the gills, but not DF. The reason for the occasion is an assignment to which DF consented some few days ago. The proffer came through to spend a couple hours checking out a bitchen & souped-up 2010 Ford Mustang and go on a ride-along with a real, live Formula Drift racer. Other Losanjealous writers begged off, fearful of death and/or dismemberment. But DF laughs at death, and he snickers at dismemberment. Serious injury rates a dismissive chuckle, while maiming gets a hearty, full-throated guffaw. You feel me.

Wait, DF, it’s great that you’re doing something insanely unwise and dangerous but what the hell is “Formula Drift”? Sigh. Okay, noobs, here you go:

»continue reading Fast and Spurious: Formula Drifting with Vaughn Gittin Jr. @ The Forum, 4/9/2009

So what did you do last Friday eve, dear benighted homies? Let me guess: it was another joyless attempt at something like merriment, with the ingesting of the lite beer and the watching of low-end entertainments. Well, that’s all well and good for you hoi polloi, but DF is—as all well know—a class act all the way, and he prefers pursuits of a more refined order come the week-end.

And what, you are doubtlessly tearing your hair out wondering, is the high-brow divertissement of choice for DF? Well, I’ll let you Joe Six-packs and Sally Housecoats in on the secret just this once, in the limited hope of bringing some modicum of culture to your beer-besotted, clock-punching, watching-reruns-of-Roseanne-without-a-shred-of-irony lives.

To wit, DF spent last Friday at the Los Angeles Natural History Museum (NB, ignoramuses: “history” is the study of the past, and a “museum” is a place where the past is stored upon being extensively taxidermied) for the NHM’s “First Fridays” series. The LA NHM’s FFs are a feast for the enlightened gourmand, a gut-busting smorgasbord of heady lectures, edifying tours of the collection, and live music-related fun-havery. Here are the facts, in all their intellectually sophistimacated glory.

»continue reading Getcha Freaky Friday On: First Fridays @ Natural History Museum, 4/3/2009

6.45pm. March 28, 2009. An alley in East Hollywood, CA. Bem vindo, derby fans and adoring readers. How are you this fine week? Oh, not so great? Stock portfolio hurting? Bad economy got you down? Ha! Well, DF is doing just fine, so suck on that! What’s his secret you ask? Simple: DF was basically destitute and living out of the trunk of his magenta 1996 Chevy Monte Carlo with extensive body damage before the recession struck, so it wasn’t possible to sink any lower. It’s OK to be jealous.

7.01pm. But many of you have written in being all like, “Oh boo hoo, DF, we can’t go to the roller derby anymore because the bank foreclosed on our seventh mortgage and our HELOC got frozen and we can’t spend any more on non-essential items like roller derby.” Well, cut the whining. First, roller derby is hardly a ‘non-essential item’. Au contraire; there is, in fact, nothing more essential in the world. It’s a scientific fact. Second, fear not: DF will herein tap into his vast reservoir of derby knowledge to impart advice on experiencing the magic of LADD without breaking the bank in a multi-part series called “Derby on the Cheap”. Shall we?

»continue reading Derby on the Cheap: Fight Crew v. Swarm @ the Doll Factory, 3/28/2009

February 28, 2009. 5.47pm. Hollywood, CA. Octo! Octo! Octo! Thanks to the astonishing reproductive skillz of undercapitalized but astonishingly fecund Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman, SoCal is agog over all things octopodic and/or numbered eight. The price of coctel del pulpo at local food jobbers has topped $20/lb. The octopus has replaced the Chihuahua as the cool new pet to carry around in your purse. The most common horrible name with which rich yuppies are saddling their poor children is now “Octavian.” Area doctors have renamed the dreaded kissing disease “octonucleosis”. And if you want to make a reservation for a party of eight at a local restaurant, brother, then you best have the patience to wait til 2011.

6.17pm. And what in living hell does this have to do with roller derby, you may ask? Fuckin’ everything is your answer. Specifically, tonight’s delectable matchup between two new(-ish) sides will take place at a Doll Factory laden with octo-themed references to the latest hip new trend. DF, for one, is showing up prepared. Quick check of the wardrobe before departure: fun octopus hat (no, not some BS novelty like this, I mean a real, recently deceased octopus on my goddamned head); baby-tee short enough to show off my lower-back tat in the likeness of Octo-Mom herself, surrounded by hearts; and eau du poulpe cologne (it’s made with bits of real octopus so you know it’s good). DF smells so bad, but he looks oh so good. Ready now for some hot girl-on-girl action!

»continue reading Octopia!!! Varsity Brawlers v. The Swarm @ the Doll Factory, 2/28/2009

Dear Citizens of Losanjealous,

DF, acting on the advice of counsel as well as threats of some fairly serious physical violence from LaVerne Casagrande, would herein like to publicly correct some misstatements (rather, “egregious falsehoods”—ed.) that he has been spreading throughout Losanjealous regarding this weekend’s upcoming Derby Dolls bout.

First, DF will not, despite earlier representations to the contrary, be attending aforementioned bout in the company of his hot new ladyfriend, Nadya “Octo-Mom” Suleman. Second, aforementioned “Octo-Mom” is not, also despite earlier representations to the contrary (and contrary also to the implications of the sentence immediately preceding), DF’s hot new ladyfriend. Third, and finally, DF’s assertions that Nadya Suleman will be skating in this weekend’s Derby Dolls bout under the skate name “Octopussy” were also, as it happens, entirely without factual support.

In my defense, I’d like to add that not everything I’ve been saying is false. First, DF really is suffering from a virtually incapacitating crush on the aforementioned celebro-freak flavor of the month (obv.—ed.). It is also true that there is going to be a ripping good roller derby bout this weekend, featuring the regular-season debut of not one but two teams, LA’s Varsity Brawlers and San Diego’s The Swarm. Tix were still available online as of writing, and you can check out a detailed preview starring SD’s Isabelle Ringer and LA’s Juana Beat’n here.

Yours in copious apologia,

DF

Subject: Stick-figure family window decals (SFFWDs) appear in automobile rear windows all over Losanjealous. Fig. 1 (below) provides an archetypal illustration. SFFWDs invariably depict a series of stick figures arrayed from left to right in descending order of size. They bear identifying features and names that indicate either their family role (e.g., “Dad”, “Mom”); their actual name (e.g., “Roxy”); or some affectionately demeaning sobriquet (e.g., “Boogers”, “Alecheetos”). Some bear the legend “Our Family” over the stick figures in case the relationship between the figures was not obvious. A few include pets such as dogs in the grouping. Single-parent family variants are either nonexistent or so vanishingly rare that DF has yet to espy one.

Figure 1: An archetypal SFFWD

Background: The back of the car is a popular situs of self-expression, as the longstanding ubiquity of the bumper sticker attests. Bumper stickers achieve expression through language’s denotative function. If you want to tell the wide world what you brake for, or how members of your profession “do it” (viz., fornicate), or about your antipathy for fat chicks, the bumper sticker provides a means of expressing these views with unparalleled parsimony.

»continue reading The Stick Figure Family Window Decal Conjectures

6.49pm. Hollywood, Losanjealous, CA. Happy holidays, beeatches! Yeah, that’s right, DF is back and in the hiz, proverbially and otherwise. Rumors of DF’s demise, it turns out, were greatly exaggerated. (By contrast, rumors of DF’s losing several toes and the better part of an ass-cheek in a post-cockfight actual fight out in Riverside were dispiritingly accurate.) And what better way to punctuate my return to form than with a big fat dose of pure, unadulterated roller derby? To my driver (who is also myself), I command: “to Temple St., ‘twixt Alvarado and Union Blvds., my good man, and step on it!”

7.11pm. Historic Filipinotown, LA, CA. “But wait, DF,” you’re undoubtedly thinking, “why are you at le Factoire des Dolls when the Championship Bout (from which you were conspicuously absent) happened a month ago?” OK, well first, stop giving me shit about missing champs. DF’s absence was a non-negotiable tragedy that will haunt him to and perhaps beyond his final days. But second, and far more saliently, tonite’s slobber-inducingly tantalizing main feature is a post-season bout between LADD’s elite squad, the Ri-ettes, and an elite cadre of all-star skaters from leagues across the nation, known for one night only as Santa’s Li’l Helpers.

»continue reading Season’s Beatings: LA Ri-ettes v. Santa’s Li’l Helpers @ the Doll Factory, 12/13/08

For reasons too horrible to explicate, DF found himself stranded in Washington, DC this past Saturday eve when the Sirens faced off against the Tough Cookies for 2008 LA Derby Dolls supremacy. Herein lies the sad tale of a roller derby obsessive stuck three thousand miles from the action on the biggest night of the LADD year.

5.43pm. Northwest Washington, DC. Andrew Johnson Memorial Conference Room, Capitol Courtyard Marriott. It’s the final event of the compulsory annual conference of the National Association of Pencil Sharpener Salespersons (NAPSS), the trade association for DF’s chosen profession. The keynote speaker concludes: “Despite the economic downturn and slumping demand for our products, it is still possible to earn some money and also help others avoid pencil dullness with an enriching career in pencil sharpener sales.” A smattering of applause ensues, and the conference is at an end.

»continue reading Worst Derby Writeup Ever: LA Derby Dolls Championship @ the Doll Factory, 11/8/2008

6.47pm. Alongside southbound 101 freeway, LosAnjealous, CA. “Citizen, you were going over ninety miles an hour”, the CHP officer unnecessarily explains to DF, who was well aware of how awesomely fast he was going, “what’s the big emergency? Wife having a baby?” To which DF responds, “Hey, that DNA test was negative… I mean, Lord, no… Wait, actually, yes, officer, that’s exactly what’s happening and I was speeding so awesomely fast in order to be there on time!”

6.59pm. Okay, so that was sort of a lie. Technically, I am not on my way to observe an actual fetus being squeezed out of an actual birth canal this eve, but I am rushing to be present for something kind of similar and certainly far less viscerally graphic: the LA Derby Dolls’ heretofore metaphorically fetal squadron, the Varsity Brawlers, are going to be squeezed out of the metaphorical birth canal that is the Doll Factory this fine Saturday as they face the Fight Crew. (And even if you consider strained metaphors a species of lies, let me assure you from personal experience that lying is a lot more effective at traffic-citation evasion than my old strategy of going into full-on rage-blackout mode and referring to the relevant CHP as “Officer Dickless.”)
»continue reading Unto Us a Rollerchild Is Born: Fight Crew v. Varsity Brawlers @ the Doll Factory, 10/8/2008

4.29pm. September 13, 2008. Hollywood, CA. Countless readers have written in asking how DF spent the just-concluded roller derby mid-season hiatus, and the answer should have been obvious to all: rehab! But the twist is that this time DF’s addiction du jour was not Pez, or Yoo-Hoo, or even Scotch eggs, as in so many times past, but something even more powerfully addicting: the L.A. Derby Dolls. But DF is happy to report that the rehab was a complete success. He is completely cured of his derby addiction, and as such will not, repeat NOT, be attending tonight’s bout. And he is feeling calm and serene about it. Totally. Completely.

5.50pm. Still more or less calm and serene. Except for that shortness of breath. Remember: utter surrender to the Higher Power. And yet I’m still kind of breaking out in a sweat here. Be cool, DF, remember what they said in all those meetings: you must not worry about what you cannot control.

6.44pm. Control waning. Serenity evaporating. All right, that’s it. GET ME TO THE MOTHER-SHITTING DOLL FACTORY RIGHT GODDAMNED NOW!!!

»continue reading Blood on the Banked Track: L.A. Derby Dolls @ the Doll Factory, 9/13/2008

Welcoming Campout effigy

1.57pm. El Monte, CA. DF barrels eastward down the 10 freeway and through the San Gabriel Valley. Losanjealous recedes into the distance, Kellogg Hill looms ahead on the horizon. The road trip is in its infancy and the sense of excitement is so palpable that DF rolls down the window so his anticipation-inspired saliva (mostly) exits the vehicle and becomes the problem of fellow motorists.

2.23pm. LaVerne, CA. Some facts: the destination is Pioneertown, CA, some 120 miles due east of the city in the high desert near Joshua Tree National Forest. The purpose: a pilgrimage to the Campout, a blessedly-off-the-radar-screen music festival bringing together a heady mélange of alt-rock acts. The accompaniment: BA, friend of DF and devoted (and frighteningly knowledgeable) fan of tonight’s headliners, Camper Van Beethoven. The vehicle: the DF-mobile (obv.), a 1996 magenta Chevy Monte Carlo with over 140,000 miles and extensive body damage. Seriously, other drivers, please crash into me. Nothing can harm me in this battleship, and I could really use the insurance money.
»continue reading O Pioneertown, Part II: Roadtripping to the Camper Van Beethoven & Friends Campout, Pioneertown Palace, 9/12/2008

DF is heading out to the desert this weekend, compadres. And no, this time it’s not about hitting the latest hip sex-addiction rehab spot, or avoiding a constellation of restraining orders so vast and complex that there are only a handful of areas in SoCal where I am legally allowed to be.

Allow me to elaborate: this weekend is the fourth annual Campout music festival. “But what in God’s name is that, DF?” you’re doubtlessly asking. Just hold your horses there, kemo sabe, and I’ll explain everything. You see, four years ago in the high desert country just outside Joshua Tree National Forest, members of foundational rock acts Camper Van Beethoven and Cracker assembled for an informal celebration. In the intervening years, this event has replicated and morphed into an annual pilgrimage for fans and bands alike. This time around, the CVB lands in SoCal fresh off a silver anniversary gig at the Fillmore in Frisco; the boys have also marked the passing of 25 years with a hits album, Popular Songs of Great Strength and Enduring Beauty. The 2008 Campout will feature the original Lowry Axis acts—CVB and Cracker—as well as Built to Spill, Quasi, and a shitload of meritorious others. The Campout has grown to span three evenings’ worth of shows rocking on two separate stages (one indoors, the other ’neath the stars)—a veritable orgiastic feast for even the greediest glutton of musique.

»continue reading O Pioneertown, Part I: Portending the Camper Van Beethoven & friends Campout, Pioneertown, CA, 9/11 – 9/13, 2008

The freest food in the free world

Pre-game warm-up. DF sits impatiently in the southbound 101 traffic. Don’t these goddamned slow-ass motorists realize they’re interrupting an important mission? After a year and a half of talking a big game about taking on the all-you-can-eat right field pavilion at Dodger Stadium, DF is finally going to step up to the plate and match his appetite to the onslaught of low-end ballpark chow that lies in wait.

Top of the first inning. Running late. At ticket gate. Let’s see: the price for a ticket in the left-field pavilion runs $13. It includes the following free food: none. The price for a ticket in the right-field pavilion runs $40. It includes the following free food: Dodger Dogs, peanuts, nachos, popcorn, soft drinks, and bottled water. That’s a $27 difference, so let’s do the math: conservatively assuming that each of these food units average about $5 per, in order for the left-field pavilion to create savings, you’d have to eat six units of all-you-can-eat food, which would retail for $30 in the left-field pavilion. Can DF consume over $27 worth of free food? If you have to wonder about the answer to that question, you don’t know DF.

Bottom first. Arrival in all-you-can-eat pavilion (AYCEP). I pause briefly to steady myself against a support beam. Pleasure overload—the sights and smells of unlimited ballpark food have made me briefly swoony. I assume a place in line, and when I get to the front, I ask the lady for two Dodger Dogs. She serves them up with a “That’s all you got, son?” arch to her eyebrows. Oh, I’ll be back, senorita. Just you wait and see.
»continue reading Hello, Engorge Us! All-you-can-eat Pavilion @ Dodger Stadium, 9/6/08

9.46pm, August 17, 2008. Alongside Verdugo Rd., Eagle Rock, CA.

Police officer: “I clocked you going 2 3/4 mph, son. Let’s see that license and registration.”

DF: “Sheeeeeit.”

4.42pm. Hollywood, CA. DF awakes on the floor next to his sofa and takes stock of the situation. Shirt on, shoes off, pants mysteriously missing. Floor littered with copies of “Gigantic Asses” magazine, and a faint tincture of A1 sauce in the air. Pretty typical for a Sunday afternoon. And then the realization: there’s derby to be watched–the conclusion of the Battle of the Bank begins in mere minutes! DF gathers his wits, grabs his keys, and races out the door.

4.48pm. DF returns to his house to put on much-needed pair of pants.

4.54pm. DF speeds toward the Doll Factory, desperate not to be late for the first jam. No time to brake! DF simply aims his extensively dented, magenta 1996 Chevy Monte Carlo into a nearby cinderblock wall and lets the air bag cushion most of the blow. He walks up to the Factory, assuring onlookers that all is well despite his bedraggled appearance and the steaming automotive wreck behind him. Plus, much of that viscous reddish liquid you see oozing all over me is not blood, but harmless and delicious A1 sauce. It’s derby time!
»continue reading A Derby Smorgasbord, Part II: Banked Track Roller Derby Tourney @ The Doll Factory, June 29, 2008