#10: the Starbucks at 1999 Avenue of the Stars and Constellation–Century City

I know, I know. Have you ever seen anything so arrogantly futuristic? 1999 Avenue of the Stars and Constellation. Century City, no less. Why stop there? How about Millenium Village? Why not Epochtown? I mean like is this where Captain Kirk gets his phaser latté after playing twister with a detachment of Tholian spice-harvesters? The fuck it is. Paging Martin Landau, you’re wanted in the teleporter room to mindmeld with some space hamsters. I mean get real. Such an artificial use of science-fictiony numberese often leaves me clammy.

Often. Then there was the tenth best Starbucks in Los Angeles. Imagine a medieval tavern where robots could meet and discuss the day’s news. A pile of dial-up modems crackling in the fireplace. Or imagine an aircraft carrier with cellulite. These imaginings will get you closer to what this Starbucks looks like–and yet not so close. Where to begin? Ah well, begin I have, but as the proverb goes, the journey of a thousand missteps begins with a stop at Kinko’s. If you’ve ever crossed several same-looking streets, and loped through the shadows of office buildings that look from above like the evolutions of a giant pancake in flight, and you still don’t know where the new AMC theaters are and why, then you might have missed this Starbucks by a few paces. I sure did. But a junkie knows a fix when it’s round the corner. So I ask this junkie if there’s a Starbucks nearby and he says Yeah round the corner.

I give the man 62 cents and go inside. No robots or fireplaces or fat cells, but lots of corporate types. Wait no, there’s something more sophisticated about this bunch, more, dare I say it, corporate than corporate? Yes. They’re dancers. Holiday dancers. Festively dressed holiday dancers on a coffee break. And damn they look festive, with their tuxedoes and gowns and nine layers of make-up. Or maybe they’re going to sing somewhere, wish a happy holiday and raise flutes of pH 5 champagne and appear on internet greetings.

Or maybe what, DeMarco? Maybe they’re pirates. Or spies! Maybe they’re regular people who like to wear rental tuxedoes, wear nine layers of make-up and sing Christmas carols in open-air shopping malls in West LA. Who doesn’t? And here I go, what do I know? I’m wearing a Seahawks jersey. Does that make me a Seahawk? Maybe. It doesn’t make me a dancer, and it doesn’t get the taste of this fantastic hazelnut latté out of my mouth. Christ I almost forgot what I was doing here. It’s about the coffee man, pull it together! Getting off is fine folks but getting off on a tangent can be deadly. Recap: dancers, coffee, stars and more stars, round concrete table and concentric ring of stone benches next to store wherein to drink coffee/convene characters from The Dark Crystal–check,check,check,check. Enjoy impressively brewed specialty drink not to be found outside North America–double check. Name of new drink to recommend to Starbucks company–Checkuccino. OK. We’re done. Hold the phone: OKccino!

Did I give that junkie my parking validation?