From the Vaults of Bill DeMarco: “(Untitled Romantic Comedy/Ghost Project)”

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Bill DeMarco’s missing but his archives aren’t.

Each week (Come on.–Ed.) Losanjealous will present works formerly in progress from the coffee maven unpadded and unbowdlerized. Presented in an easy-to-read format and accompanied by Bill’s own comments (grey script).

Join us won’t you as we look inside the mind behind the man.


“[Untitled Romantic Comedy/Ghost Project]”

What Happens When a Player Gets Played. . .By a Ghost?

“Ghostplayers?” “Don’t Play With Ghosts?” Something edgy but accessible. “Date With a Ghost” Ghostplayers is good. “A Vampire in Brentwood?”

TYLER COLEMAN has it all: looks, taste, clothes. The king of clubland. But he’s bored. Enter AURORA HAZE. Beautiful, sexy, down. There’s only one problem: she’s a ghost. What happens when a player gets played. . .by a ghost???

Good. Concise.


INT. NIGHTCLUB–NIGHT–“OFF THE HOOK”

TYLER COLEMAN holds court at the (something cool). Drinks flowing, bass pumping, ladies aplenty. He is joined by his cohorts KAZZ and SHORTY. They look like well-dressed lawn dwarfs and are about as well-spoken.

SHORTY
[shouting over music]
What’s up whore!

KAZZ
[nonchalantly]
Hey, what happened to your date? Did she decline your credit card?

SHORTY
[the game is afoot]
Uh, no, she said she had to go home to make dinner for her son whose name is Kazz.

KAZZ
Nice.

TYLER
[bemused]
Guys. Come on.
You’re even messing up my game.

SHORTY
Yeah Ty, what’s up? You’re noticeably single.

TYLER
[looks at watch counting down]
5. . .4. . .

HOT GIRL
[walking by]
Hey, Tyler.

TYLER
Hey.

SHORTY
Man. . .

KAZZ
[rhetorically]
“How does he do it?”

SHORTY
No, seriously, dude, seriously.

Too many commas.

How do you do it? I mean how do you just fuckin’ stand there at a bar and then all of a sudden this hot chick just comes up to you and you’re all like “Hey what’s up I’m cool.”

KAZZ
It’s called not being a douchebag, Shorty.

SHORTY
No seriously Kazz, fuck you. I mean that.

TYLER
[throwing water on the fire]
Shorty Shorty. . .it’s like this. . .

HOT GIRL #2
Hey, Tyler.

This girl has to be amazingly hot.

TYLER
Oh hey, Lynx–Shorty you just gotta–

SHORTY
See? This is what I’m talking about!

[as SHORTY and TYLER converse, KAZZ pulls out his BLACKBERRY]

KAZZ
Shit.

SHORTY

What the fuck, what is it?

KAZZ

[disappointed]
I just called your dick and the call was blocked.

SHORTY
Oh ha ha I just called your balls and they put me on hold.

KAZZ
Well I just called your balls and the ringtone was “Under Pressure”

SHORTY
Well I just called my balls and the ringtone was “Fame”

TYLER
[throwing more water on the fire]
Fellas fellas. . .know your roles. It’s time to let T-COLE get to

This sucks. What time is it? 3:38. Jesus. It’s so late I’m writing down what time it is. I need to masturbate.

[Editor’s Note: Unpadded and unbowdlerized. As promised.]