From the Vaults of Bill DeMarco: “(Untitled Romantic Comedy/Ghost Project)”

By Bill DeMarco - Wednesday January 17th 2007

Bill DeMarco’s missing but his archives aren’t.

Each week (Come on.–Ed.) Losanjealous will present works formerly in progress from the coffee maven unpadded and unbowdlerized. Presented in an easy-to-read format and accompanied by Bill’s own comments (grey script).

Join us won’t you as we look inside the mind behind the man.

“[Untitled Romantic Comedy/Ghost Project]“
What Happens When a Player Gets Played. . .By a Ghost?

“Ghostplayers?” “Don’t Play With Ghosts?” Something edgy but accessible. “Date With a Ghost” Ghostplayers is good. “A Vampire in Brentwood?”

TYLER COLEMAN has it all: looks, taste, clothes. The king of clubland. But he’s bored. Enter AURORA HAZE. Beautiful, sexy, down. There’s only one problem: she’s a ghost. What happens when a player gets played. . .by a ghost???

Good. Concise.

INT. NIGHTCLUB–NIGHT–”OFF THE HOOK”

TYLER COLEMAN holds court at the (something cool). Drinks flowing, bass pumping, ladies aplenty. He is joined by his cohorts KAZZ and SHORTY. They look like well-dressed lawn dwarfs and are about as well-spoken.

SHORTY
[shouting over music]
What’s up whore!

KAZZ
[nonchalantly]
Hey, what happened to your date? Did she decline your credit card?

SHORTY
[the game is afoot]
Uh, no, she said she had to go home to make dinner for her son whose name is Kazz.

KAZZ
Nice.

TYLER
[bemused]
Guys. Come on.
You’re even messing up my game.

SHORTY
Yeah Ty, what’s up? You’re noticeably single.

TYLER
[looks at watch counting down]
5. . .4. . .

HOT GIRL
[walking by]
Hey, Tyler.

TYLER
Hey.

SHORTY
Man. . .

KAZZ
[rhetorically]
“How does he do it?”

SHORTY
No, seriously, dude, seriously.

Too many commas.

How do you do it? I mean how do you just fuckin’ stand there at a bar and then all of a sudden this hot chick just comes up to you and you’re all like “Hey what’s up I’m cool.”

KAZZ
It’s called not being a douchebag, Shorty.

SHORTY
No seriously Kazz, fuck you. I mean that.

TYLER
[throwing water on the fire]
Shorty Shorty. . .it’s like this. . .

HOT GIRL #2
Hey, Tyler.

This girl has to be amazingly hot.

TYLER
Oh hey, Lynx–Shorty you just gotta–

SHORTY
See? This is what I’m talking about!

[as SHORTY and TYLER converse, KAZZ pulls out his BLACKBERRY]

KAZZ
Shit.

SHORTY
What the fuck, what is it?

KAZZ
[disappointed]
I just called your dick and the call was blocked.

SHORTY
Oh ha ha I just called your balls and they put me on hold.

KAZZ
Well I just called your balls and the ringtone was “Under Pressure”

SHORTY
Well I just called my balls and the ringtone was “Fame”

TYLER
[throwing more water on the fire]
Fellas fellas. . .know your roles. It’s time to let T-COLE get to

This sucks. What time is it? 3:38. Jesus. It’s so late I’m writing down what time it is. I need to masturbate.

[Editor's Note: Unpadded and unbowdlerized. As promised.]

What now?

3 Responses to “From the Vaults of Bill DeMarco: “(Untitled Romantic Comedy/Ghost Project)””

Posted by piano tuning kit canada 1/27/09 at 2:22 pm #

На собраниях — экономят минуты и теряют часы.
Posted by V 1/27/09 at 5:10 pm #

Thanks for fishing this gem out, Ukrainian spam!

Was this DeMarco Dispatch really over TWO FUCKING YEARS AGO?

It’s a new day in America–where are you now that we need you BDeM?!
Posted by Ryan 1/27/09 at 5:24 pm #

Jesus, good stuff. DeM may have in fact been one of the most under-appreciated, unsung (pun not intended), unknown contributors ever to have graced these pages. I am going to find him, wherever the fuck he is, and I am going to get Will to help me if need be, and together we are going to strangle and/or tickle him until he agrees to end this maddening silent period. If Jay-Z can come out of retirement…

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