Canadian Coffee Break: The Fourteenth

’cofadian’The Canadian Coffee Break brings together some of the finest Canadian minds in Southern California every week for a topical, lively round-tablesque discussion over very dark coffee. Won’t you join us.


The fourteenth week is upon us.

You have been given a budget of $250,000.00 to open a Canadian-themed business in Los Angeles.

It will be called The Fourteenth ___________________.

What is the business?
Where is it located?

Sarah (website)

My first lineup:
The Montreal Experience:
Tricot Machine
Les Amis Au Pakistan
Les Breastfeeders

Jamie (website)
The Fourteenth Store Of Everything

I think it’s great to go to places like Target where you can buy just about anything. But can you buy everything?? No way, Jose. No fuss, Gus. No fistin’, Kristen. Where can you buy everything?? At The Fourteenth Store Of Everything!!

“I’m at Target and buying normal stu… AHH!! I just fell and broke my leg!! I’ll have to wait until an ambulance comes.” At The Fourteenth Store Of Everything we HAVE ambulances!! Three ambulances per store!! No, you can’t buy them, but you can ride in ’em to the hospital!!

And how many times do you say to yourself, “I’m tired of shopping at this clothing boutique and want to go ice skating”?? Probably everytime!! If you shop for your clothes at The Fourteenth Store Of Everything you can see how you’d look on ice with those new clothes on!! That’s right, a store built with Ice Capaders in mind.

Now – you might be wondering WHERE to find The Fourteenth Store Of Everything. “I can find one through thirteen, Jamie, but I just cannot find fourteen!!” WELL!! Since I was only given $250,000 to start it, I had to build it in Barstow!! Talk about… convenient, and, umm, stuff… Barstow!!

Every Tuesday is Barstow Day where you can buy Empty Dreams and Hopelessness!! Sure, you can get those by moving to Barstow, but that’s so inconvenient and smelly and terrible.

Sean Chrétien
I gotta start by asking whether the $250,000.00 is in USD or Loonies. I hope for the latter because parity is the cat’s pajamas. Trusting that I’d be receiving a check in robust Northern Pesos, I would use my cheddar to purchase the city of Ontario, California. We all know there is only one canton that can lay claim to the name Ontario; the brothers Chaffey should have known better. With Ontario, California in tow, one may wonder what changes are in order. First, the egregious title of Ontario, California would be expeditiously changed to Moranis, California. Second, (and with the budget already inexplicably stretched, most probably last) the Ontario Mills shopping center would be converted into the relatively aptly named “Fourteenth Province.” Yes, yes – I am aware that I have included the Yukon, Nunavut, and Northwest Territories in my count of Provinces, but deal people, we’re at war.

All corporate players would be asked politely to vacate the erstwhile “largest shopping center West of the Mississippi” and any remaining barriers would be knocked down in order to open California’s premiere, exclusively Jamaican Beef Patty serving restaurant. It’s name you ask? Moranis. And it’s upper management would be composed of? Rick Moranis.

At this point, any pragmatic individual would be asking him or herself one, two, three, or even all four of the following vital questions:

1. Why Moranis?

Tough one. Probably because of this.

2. Why Jamaican Beef Patties?


Call it absurd, blighted, unsound, or beyond all fathomability, but the fact remains that Jamaican Beef Patties are a staple of Ontario dining on-the-go. Any reputable convenience store is hawking J.B.P.’s with as much pride as Maclean’s magazine. Further they’re sold in subway stations, grocery stores, and en masse at your local Costco. When I moved to California I couldn’t find my guys at any of your local markets, so I grudgingly located and trekked to a So-Cal Costco. When I asked the debonair Costco-clerk to point me towards the Beef Patties he diligently walked me towards the freezers and then made his way back to the cigarette cavern. I could hardly conceal my excitement UNTIL I glanced at the frigidaire to which I was led. I was standing in front of hamburger patties. I swore off debonair individuals then and there.


3. Even if it be metaphorical, how can you justify awarding the title of “Province” to a admittedly large shopping center?

See: Prince Edward Island.

4. Isn’t your budgeting a little presumptuous?

Clearly you have no conception of the purchasing power of 250,000 Canadian dollars. Not only is such a whopping sum sufficient enough to purchase Ontario, California, open up a thriving restaurant filled to the brim with Jamaica’s most delectable (though inexpensive!) cuisine, and hire one of Canada’s finest thespians to venture into an entirely foreign vocation. After all my toils I’d still have enough money left to buy the new Radiohead album.