Skirts, Skates, Scars, Steroids: LADD Ri-ettes v. KC/DC @ the Doll Factory, 5/9/09

Amber Alert! and KC/DC jostle

May 9, 2009. 4.56pm. Losanjealous, CA. You’re all well aware, dear readers, that our faire city was shaken to its very shaky foundations this past week by the revelation that a beloved local figure has been implicated in the growing scourge of performance-enhancing drugs that has sullied so many of our most admired professionals. Wait, what’s that? You think I’m referring to Manny Ramirez? Hell no, fools, I said a beloved local figure. DF was talking about DF (which is, to be fair, usually the case) and LaVerne Casagrande’s repeated attempts to test him for compliance with Losanjealous’ policy preventing writers from taking performance-enhancing drugs.

5.15pm. So what that means, loyal readers, is no derby tonight. With LaVerne’s thugs out and about trying to catch me for a random drug test, DF’s best move is to lay low at home. Take in some old eps of Everyone Loves Raymond. Work on deepening my own personal ass-groove in the couch. Maybe call the Larger Ladies’ LoveLine a bit later on. Yep. Evening itinerary set. Go and watch derby by yourselves. Go on, now.

6.48pm. Speeding unabashedly southbound on the 101. Who the hell was I kidding? Le derby is worth the risks of getting nailed by the narcs, not least because tonight bears the frisson of novelty, as LADD’s elite squad, the Ri-ettes, will be taking on the cleverly monikered KC/DC, a hybrid team composed of all-stars from Kansas City’s Roller Warriors, and Albuquerque’s Duke City Derby (the “DC” is for “Duke City”; I have no idea where the “KC” part comes from).

KC/DC team photo

7.03pm. Ah. Safely ensconced in the media skybox among friendly sponsors and countless cameras atop their cozy tripods. DF’s peace at this moment belies Losanjealous’ suspicion that he uses performance-enhancing drugs, which are, after all, characterized by testosterone-driven “roid rage”. The suggestion that DF’s work is chemically enhanced is thus fraudulent, an those kind of false accusations MAKE ME SO MAD I WANT TO TEAR OUT BAMBI’S ANUS AND STRANGLE SANTA CLAUS WITH IT!!!!! Ahem. Game time.

8.09pm. The Factory. For olde derby salts like DF, the first couple jams of a bout are key because they set the tone. What will we have here? Tense, taught, finely-poised nail-biter, or pure, unadulterated blowout? Six jams in, a cavalcade of Ri-ettes pile on the points and with a 16-point lead in the early going, it looks pretty clear: ladies and gentlemints, we have a blowout.

8.17pm. And yet the blowout is well and truly confirmed only at the end of the quarter, when Jacq Pot throws down a record-obliterating 15-point jam. Is that even possible? If I know my long division (debatable), that’s an average of passing one opposing skater every four seconds. Who is this girl? DF’s busy schedule of extradition and imprisonment has admittedly limited his ability to follow LADD as closely as would be ideal during ‘09, so my surprise may be unwarranted, but that is one badasssssssss jammerina. Her tricky mix of balance and power reminds DF of his favorite non-LADD skater, TXRD’s Smarty Pants.

KK w/tongue and V Lee

8.35pm. DF’s crowd-pleasing feature, “Violentest Hit of the Bout”, has heretofore always lauded a blocker for her vim and drama in taking out an opponent. Herein making history (again) is the first VHOB honoring a jammer, and in particular V. Lee, who sends her opposite number, Kamikaze Kim, a-flying midway through the second quarter. There’s a strangely elevated satisfaction to watching jammers smack each other down, much like watching uniformed baseball mascots fight. The general lesson is that violence is somehow more appealing when it comes from an unexpected source.

8.42pm. Anyway: the second quarter is largely a blur of scoring so copious it borders on the pornographic. There’s Mila again, and Laguna Beyatch, and the revelatory Jacq Pot racks nine; then Mila responds with eleven of her own; then Krissy Krash, and Jacq Pot again, and then apparently Maiven is in the mix too. Not to be outdone, KC/DC’s Kamikaze Kim and Muffin outfox the LA pack with regularity, though their contribution cannot prevent the halftime deficit from rising to a hefty 82-35, and finally the goddamn quarter is over before DF’s furious note-taking results in a legendary case of writer’s cramp (readily remedied, I’m told, with a hefty dose of androsterozine).

8.50pm. Well, might as well get ready for the inevitable drug test now. As DF fills cup after cup with urine and balances them each delicately on the railing of the skybox, he contemplates the first half. One surmise is the evident difficulty of transitioning from flat- to banked-track derby, yet this fails to explain the ease with which Team Awesome navigated the slanted surface in their various special guest appearances in 2008. In the smoke-filled press box, more wizened derby sages than DF conjecture the more plausible theory that the distinctive hybrid-team format makes inter-pack communication difficult for KC/DC, hindering blocker efficacy. Or something. I’m basically a color man, people. You want real analysis, you’ll have to go elsewhere.

Pack  in motion

9.01pm. Anyone curious about the second half need look no further than the first two jams. Gori Spelling leads things off with a nine-pointer, then Muffin responds with ten. Flat track fans may not be floored by these facts and figures, but in a world of sixty-second jams, this is getting to be unheard of. And you know what? I dig it. I’m into it. More is better. You can have your taut defensive struggles and cagey strategy-fests. Fact: DF likes his beer cold, his TV loud, and his derby high-scoring.

9.14pm. You know, if I did take performance-enhancing drugs, it would provide a less awkward explanation for my shrunken testes, copious sweating, and horrible, horrible bacne. Just sayin’.

9.31pm. The bout is winding down and there’s not much suspense over the outcome. But what’s great about the waning minutes of blowouts? If you said “mercilessly taunting the other team”, that’s one possibility but none seems to transpire here. I was going for “showmanship”, and Krissy Krash and Mila Minute give us more than our share of it by pulling off a crowd-pleasing rocket whip. This move is so superlative that it taxes DF’s powers of exposition; see photo immediately below for some indication of what you missed if you left early.

Rocket whip

9.47pm. Yikes. The Ri-ettes end up running up a final score bigger than Giambi’s juiced bicep, though KC/DC runs up a damned hefty sum themselves. The ultimate tally is a pumped-up 167-73 in favor of las Angelinas. DF has done exactly no research on the following point, but nevertheless says with complete confidence that this is the most points ever scored in an LADD game; or any derby game (flat- or banked-track); or for that matter in any sporting contest in the history of the world. (You call it fabrication; I call it creative journalism in the age of truthiness.)

9.55pm. And while I know the narcs will be waiting just outside the Doll Factory to administer their much-awaited drug test, let me say this now with more conviction and heartfelt veracity than any other statement I’ve ever uttered: DF has NEVER consumed anything stronger than a decaf chamomile tea in his life, including banned substances; and hereby swears to Jesus, Baby Jesus, Allah, Buddha, and Obama on a stack of Bibles and/or “Juggs” magazines that this assertion is true & factual.

Ri-ettes celebrate victory with fans

Postscript: Official press statement from Losanjealous jefe LaVerne Casagrande

“Dear Nation: We regret to inform our readers that all-star writer DF has recently failed his drug test more egregiously than any writer in the proud history of our storied online publication. Specifically, DF tested positive for massive amounts of ibuprofen, Funyuns, xanthan gum, acetylsalicylic acid, industrial-strength Listerine, Mountain Dew ‘Code Red’, and a host of other materials that appear on our list of banned substances. As a result, and despite his frankly embarrassing groveling, we will be imposing a one-game suspension on DF, which will result in his not being able to cover the next LA Derby Dolls event on May 30, 2009 between the Sirens and the Tough Cookies. We will also be subjecting him to waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and/or vigorous spankings. Thank you.”

Photos and credits:

1. Amber’s all like “Welcome to LA, KC/DC skater. Here is an elbow for your midsection.”

2. Meet Midwestern Maulers KC/DC

3. Kamikaze Kim channels Michael Jordan; V. Lee somehow reminds DF of Madame de Pompadour

4. Pack and blockers alike flash by at hi-speed

5. The whip so spectacular that it stymied even DF

6. Ri-ettes celebrate win, accept fan adulation

All photos (C) 2009 by Stalkerazzi. All rights reserved.

Big news!!! That constant, nagging sense of curiosity regarding the minute details of DF’s daily life is at an end. You can now follow DF on twitter. All non sequiturs, all the time. Enjoy.