September 10, 2009. 3.15pm. A Doctor’s Office, Westlake, Los Angeles, CA. “You can come out from under the observation table,” the doctor told DF, “I am not going to hit you with this cane, rather I want to you use it.” DF, it turns out, has been graduated from a crutch-walker to a cane-user, which sounds lame (in all senses of the word) but is actually a large step (again, no pun intended) in the broke-leg recovery process. The downside is that one must ambulate publicly with an accoutrement more appropriate for an octogenarian than for an esteemed and not entirely unyouthful (“read: middle-aged”—ed.) man-about-town.

September 12, 2009. 7.13pm. HiFi, Losanjealous, CA. Fair enough, doc. Given that DF must cane-walk for the foreseeable, he’s decided not only to own the cane but to own the living crap out of it, and to incorporate it into a look and persona that represents his overall classiness. Hence DF arrives at the Doll Factory for the Sirens/Swarm clash with not only the aforementioned cane, but also with a dapper three-piece tux of the finest powder-blue polyester (replete with ruffled dickey—which is totally an article of clothing so get yer minds out of the gutter); an Abe Lincoln stovepipe hat; spats & cravats; a seegar in a seegar holder; and several monocles in each eye.

7.46pm. Truly, DF’s novel sartotial ensemble is a testament to class. And yet there’s something (almost) as momentous brewing at la Fabrica de Munecas tonite. ‘Tis a significance-fraught clash between one of LADD’s historically most successful teams, the Sirens, and this season’s brazen upstarts, SDDD all-star assemblage the Swarm. Much hangs in the balance: the Swarm have raced out to an undefeated (2-0) first half, though the Sirens (1-1) can pull even with a victory tonight. The Factory is crowded and DF is sweaty (thanks to his heavy patrician garb) in anticipation of this titanic tussle.

»continue reading A Classy Affaire: Swarm v. Sirens @ the Doll Factory, 9/12/2009

Prelude. How was your summer, dear readership? What’s that you say? It was good, with the sunny days and the outdoor recreation and the grill-cookouts and the friendly friends? Well, that’s great. I’m happy for you. Oh, and how was DF’s summer, you want to know? Why, how very kind of you to ask. Let’s see, how do I put this? How about en Francais: it blew le chunks. And to translate from the French for you goddamned philistines, that’s how the frogs say that DF’s summer was as about as enjoyable as eating an enormous, hairy elephant-ass sandwich with an XL plate of steaming kittykat feces on the side, all washed down with a 64oz tankard of yeti snot.

Ahem. To explain for those of you who have been living under a rock and/or failing to read regular DF-related updates on the justifiably popular blog “All DF All the Time”, DF (due, predictably, to a perilous combination of inebriation, clumsiness, and pure unadulterated idiocy) experienced a truly spectacular dual fracture of his left tibia and fibula back in mid-June and spent the rest of the summer largely horizontal and in various stages of massive discomfort and/or Vicodin-induced haze.

So it’s been a shut-in couple of months for DF, but his recovery is well under way and at long last it’s time for him to make his crutch-tastic debut, complete with comically pronounced limp. And what better place to re-introduce the world to the new, hobbled DF than the Doll Factory, where the Fight Crew will try to break their loooong regular season losing skid against the Varsity Brawlers, who are looking to win for the first time in their (admittedly short) history? In other words, derby people, it’s time to bring out the gimp!

»continue reading Bring Out the Gimp: Fight Crew v. Varsity Brawlers, 8/29/2009 @ the Doll Factory

12.56pm. May 17, 2009. Somewhere along the 105W. Fact: DF loves him some derby. This will surprise no one. And yet that love has always been staunchly monogamous: DF has almost exclusively followed derby of the banked-track variety, and in particular derby practiced by his beloved LA Derby Dolls. And yet to paraphrase the Bard, “There is more derby in heaven and earth, DF, than is dreamt of in your philosophy.” Today, DF goes through the derby looking glass to explore the world beyond LADD of 2-D tracks and WFTDA teams from ‘round the Golden State.

1.17pm. Toyota Sports Center. El Segundo, CA. And so DF arrives at the Toyota Sports Center in El Segundo, an hour or so past noon on Sunday. Toward the venue stream two groups. There are derby folks resplendent in tat and black, eager to see the final rounds of epic derby tourney The Big One. There are also helicopter parents toting athletic gear and over-reared children to the ice hockey venue adjacent. The derby folks seem largely unaware of the helicopter parents; the helicopter parents seem acutely aware (and scared) of the derby folks. The cultural contrast is stark and tremendously amusing.

1.32pm. “The Big One?” you ask. No, it’s not a forthcoming earthquake or hackneyed penis joke. Allow DF to expound: LA’s flat-track counterparts to the banked-track Derby Dolls are the flat-track Angel City Derby Girls (AC/DG), and they are the hostesses of a tournament that has drawn together talent from across the state to determine the flat track women’s roller derby champion of California for 2009. Pretty goddamned momentous, eh? This is actually the second of two days of derby, the first of which consisted of a veritable Bataan Death March of games starting at noon and ending late in the eve, ultimately setting up a pair of semifinal matches to frame the late-tourney action this fine Sunday afternoon.

»continue reading Break on Through to the Other Side: “The Big One” Derby Tourney @ Toyota Sports Center, 5/16/2009

May 9, 2009. 4.56pm. Losanjealous, CA. You’re all well aware, dear readers, that our faire city was shaken to its very shaky foundations this past week by the revelation that a beloved local figure has been implicated in the growing scourge of performance-enhancing drugs that has sullied so many of our most admired professionals. Wait, what’s that? You think I’m referring to Manny Ramirez? Hell no, fools, I said a beloved local figure. DF was talking about DF (which is, to be fair, usually the case) and LaVerne Casagrande’s repeated attempts to test him for compliance with Losanjealous’ policy preventing writers from taking performance-enhancing drugs.

5.15pm. So what that means, loyal readers, is no derby tonight. With LaVerne’s thugs out and about trying to catch me for a random drug test, DF’s best move is to lay low at home. Take in some old eps of Everyone Loves Raymond. Work on deepening my own personal ass-groove in the couch. Maybe call the Larger Ladies’ LoveLine a bit later on. Yep. Evening itinerary set. Go and watch derby by yourselves. Go on, now.

6.48pm. Speeding unabashedly southbound on the 101. Who the hell was I kidding? Le derby is worth the risks of getting nailed by the narcs, not least because tonight bears the frisson of novelty, as LADD’s elite squad, the Ri-ettes, will be taking on the cleverly monikered KC/DC, a hybrid team composed of all-stars from Kansas City’s Roller Warriors, and Albuquerque’s Duke City Derby (the “DC” is for “Duke City”; I have no idea where the “KC” part comes from).

»continue reading Skirts, Skates, Scars, Steroids: LADD Ri-ettes v. KC/DC @ the Doll Factory, 5/9/09

6.45pm. March 28, 2009. An alley in East Hollywood, CA. Bem vindo, derby fans and adoring readers. How are you this fine week? Oh, not so great? Stock portfolio hurting? Bad economy got you down? Ha! Well, DF is doing just fine, so suck on that! What’s his secret you ask? Simple: DF was basically destitute and living out of the trunk of his magenta 1996 Chevy Monte Carlo with extensive body damage before the recession struck, so it wasn’t possible to sink any lower. It’s OK to be jealous.

7.01pm. But many of you have written in being all like, “Oh boo hoo, DF, we can’t go to the roller derby anymore because the bank foreclosed on our seventh mortgage and our HELOC got frozen and we can’t spend any more on non-essential items like roller derby.” Well, cut the whining. First, roller derby is hardly a ‘non-essential item’. Au contraire; there is, in fact, nothing more essential in the world. It’s a scientific fact. Second, fear not: DF will herein tap into his vast reservoir of derby knowledge to impart advice on experiencing the magic of LADD without breaking the bank in a multi-part series called “Derby on the Cheap”. Shall we?

»continue reading Derby on the Cheap: Fight Crew v. Swarm @ the Doll Factory, 3/28/2009

February 28, 2009. 5.47pm. Hollywood, CA. Octo! Octo! Octo! Thanks to the astonishing reproductive skillz of undercapitalized but astonishingly fecund Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman, SoCal is agog over all things octopodic and/or numbered eight. The price of coctel del pulpo at local food jobbers has topped $20/lb. The octopus has replaced the Chihuahua as the cool new pet to carry around in your purse. The most common horrible name with which rich yuppies are saddling their poor children is now “Octavian.” Area doctors have renamed the dreaded kissing disease “octonucleosis”. And if you want to make a reservation for a party of eight at a local restaurant, brother, then you best have the patience to wait til 2011.

6.17pm. And what in living hell does this have to do with roller derby, you may ask? Fuckin’ everything is your answer. Specifically, tonight’s delectable matchup between two new(-ish) sides will take place at a Doll Factory laden with octo-themed references to the latest hip new trend. DF, for one, is showing up prepared. Quick check of the wardrobe before departure: fun octopus hat (no, not some BS novelty like this, I mean a real, recently deceased octopus on my goddamned head); baby-tee short enough to show off my lower-back tat in the likeness of Octo-Mom herself, surrounded by hearts; and eau du poulpe cologne (it’s made with bits of real octopus so you know it’s good). DF smells so bad, but he looks oh so good. Ready now for some hot girl-on-girl action!

»continue reading Octopia!!! Varsity Brawlers v. The Swarm @ the Doll Factory, 2/28/2009

Dear Citizens of Losanjealous,

DF, acting on the advice of counsel as well as threats of some fairly serious physical violence from LaVerne Casagrande, would herein like to publicly correct some misstatements (rather, “egregious falsehoods”—ed.) that he has been spreading throughout Losanjealous regarding this weekend’s upcoming Derby Dolls bout.

First, DF will not, despite earlier representations to the contrary, be attending aforementioned bout in the company of his hot new ladyfriend, Nadya “Octo-Mom” Suleman. Second, aforementioned “Octo-Mom” is not, also despite earlier representations to the contrary (and contrary also to the implications of the sentence immediately preceding), DF’s hot new ladyfriend. Third, and finally, DF’s assertions that Nadya Suleman will be skating in this weekend’s Derby Dolls bout under the skate name “Octopussy” were also, as it happens, entirely without factual support.

In my defense, I’d like to add that not everything I’ve been saying is false. First, DF really is suffering from a virtually incapacitating crush on the aforementioned celebro-freak flavor of the month (obv.—ed.). It is also true that there is going to be a ripping good roller derby bout this weekend, featuring the regular-season debut of not one but two teams, LA’s Varsity Brawlers and San Diego’s The Swarm. Tix were still available online as of writing, and you can check out a detailed preview starring SD’s Isabelle Ringer and LA’s Juana Beat’n here.

Yours in copious apologia,

DF

6.49pm. Hollywood, Losanjealous, CA. Happy holidays, beeatches! Yeah, that’s right, DF is back and in the hiz, proverbially and otherwise. Rumors of DF’s demise, it turns out, were greatly exaggerated. (By contrast, rumors of DF’s losing several toes and the better part of an ass-cheek in a post-cockfight actual fight out in Riverside were dispiritingly accurate.) And what better way to punctuate my return to form than with a big fat dose of pure, unadulterated roller derby? To my driver (who is also myself), I command: “to Temple St., ‘twixt Alvarado and Union Blvds., my good man, and step on it!”

7.11pm. Historic Filipinotown, LA, CA. “But wait, DF,” you’re undoubtedly thinking, “why are you at le Factoire des Dolls when the Championship Bout (from which you were conspicuously absent) happened a month ago?” OK, well first, stop giving me shit about missing champs. DF’s absence was a non-negotiable tragedy that will haunt him to and perhaps beyond his final days. But second, and far more saliently, tonite’s slobber-inducingly tantalizing main feature is a post-season bout between LADD’s elite squad, the Ri-ettes, and an elite cadre of all-star skaters from leagues across the nation, known for one night only as Santa’s Li’l Helpers.

»continue reading Season’s Beatings: LA Ri-ettes v. Santa’s Li’l Helpers @ the Doll Factory, 12/13/08

For reasons too horrible to explicate, DF found himself stranded in Washington, DC this past Saturday eve when the Sirens faced off against the Tough Cookies for 2008 LA Derby Dolls supremacy. Herein lies the sad tale of a roller derby obsessive stuck three thousand miles from the action on the biggest night of the LADD year.

5.43pm. Northwest Washington, DC. Andrew Johnson Memorial Conference Room, Capitol Courtyard Marriott. It’s the final event of the compulsory annual conference of the National Association of Pencil Sharpener Salespersons (NAPSS), the trade association for DF’s chosen profession. The keynote speaker concludes: “Despite the economic downturn and slumping demand for our products, it is still possible to earn some money and also help others avoid pencil dullness with an enriching career in pencil sharpener sales.” A smattering of applause ensues, and the conference is at an end.

»continue reading Worst Derby Writeup Ever: LA Derby Dolls Championship @ the Doll Factory, 11/8/2008

6.47pm. Alongside southbound 101 freeway, LosAnjealous, CA. “Citizen, you were going over ninety miles an hour”, the CHP officer unnecessarily explains to DF, who was well aware of how awesomely fast he was going, “what’s the big emergency? Wife having a baby?” To which DF responds, “Hey, that DNA test was negative… I mean, Lord, no… Wait, actually, yes, officer, that’s exactly what’s happening and I was speeding so awesomely fast in order to be there on time!”

6.59pm. Okay, so that was sort of a lie. Technically, I am not on my way to observe an actual fetus being squeezed out of an actual birth canal this eve, but I am rushing to be present for something kind of similar and certainly far less viscerally graphic: the LA Derby Dolls’ heretofore metaphorically fetal squadron, the Varsity Brawlers, are going to be squeezed out of the metaphorical birth canal that is the Doll Factory this fine Saturday as they face the Fight Crew. (And even if you consider strained metaphors a species of lies, let me assure you from personal experience that lying is a lot more effective at traffic-citation evasion than my old strategy of going into full-on rage-blackout mode and referring to the relevant CHP as “Officer Dickless.”)
»continue reading Unto Us a Rollerchild Is Born: Fight Crew v. Varsity Brawlers @ the Doll Factory, 10/8/2008

4.29pm. September 13, 2008. Hollywood, CA. Countless readers have written in asking how DF spent the just-concluded roller derby mid-season hiatus, and the answer should have been obvious to all: rehab! But the twist is that this time DF’s addiction du jour was not Pez, or Yoo-Hoo, or even Scotch eggs, as in so many times past, but something even more powerfully addicting: the L.A. Derby Dolls. But DF is happy to report that the rehab was a complete success. He is completely cured of his derby addiction, and as such will not, repeat NOT, be attending tonight’s bout. And he is feeling calm and serene about it. Totally. Completely.

5.50pm. Still more or less calm and serene. Except for that shortness of breath. Remember: utter surrender to the Higher Power. And yet I’m still kind of breaking out in a sweat here. Be cool, DF, remember what they said in all those meetings: you must not worry about what you cannot control.

6.44pm. Control waning. Serenity evaporating. All right, that’s it. GET ME TO THE MOTHER-SHITTING DOLL FACTORY RIGHT GODDAMNED NOW!!!

»continue reading Blood on the Banked Track: L.A. Derby Dolls @ the Doll Factory, 9/13/2008

4.42pm. Hollywood, CA. DF awakes on the floor next to his sofa and takes stock of the situation. Shirt on, shoes off, pants mysteriously missing. Floor littered with copies of “Gigantic Asses” magazine, and a faint tincture of A1 sauce in the air. Pretty typical for a Sunday afternoon. And then the realization: there’s derby to be watched–the conclusion of the Battle of the Bank begins in mere minutes! DF gathers his wits, grabs his keys, and races out the door.

4.48pm. DF returns to his house to put on much-needed pair of pants.

4.54pm. DF speeds toward the Doll Factory, desperate not to be late for the first jam. No time to brake! DF simply aims his extensively dented, magenta 1996 Chevy Monte Carlo into a nearby cinderblock wall and lets the air bag cushion most of the blow. He walks up to the Factory, assuring onlookers that all is well despite his bedraggled appearance and the steaming automotive wreck behind him. Plus, much of that viscous reddish liquid you see oozing all over me is not blood, but harmless and delicious A1 sauce. It’s derby time!
»continue reading A Derby Smorgasbord, Part II: Banked Track Roller Derby Tourney @ The Doll Factory, June 29, 2008

Prologue: Sandalwood Conference Room, Marina Del Rey Courtyard Marriott

The other day, a heavily besequinned note appeared in DF’s mailbox reading “You are invited to a feast of roller derby.” DF reacted to the invite with titillation, but also suspicion. The last time I was invited to something, it was a free-boat giveaway down at the police station. But when I got there, they just wanted me to pay my forty-six outstanding parking tickets. And they still haven’t given me that goddamned boat!

Then I began to read, and the next thing I knew, Losanjealous jefe LaVerne Casagrande was slapping me into regained consciousness. “My God, DF,” LaVerne explained, “I heard you in here screaming something about a big two-day banked track derby tournament. Then you must have gone into some kind of fit of ecstasy and blacked out!” “All true, LaVerne”, I responded, “But now that I’m back to my senses, can you stop hitting me?”

After a few more hearty slaps, LaVerne’s arm tired and DF was left alone. But the sweet dream was true: I had received a special invite to an event where roller derby gourmands like yours truly would be able to engorge on eight sumptuous games, spanning two gut-busting days, and featuring some of the most delectable roller girls from around the nation.
»continue reading A Derby Smorgasbord, Part I: Banked Track Roller Derby Tourney @ The Doll Factory, 6/28/2008

6.01pm, Saturday, May 31, Losanjealous, CA Ole, dear readers, and happy cinco de mayo! For those of you not as fluent in espanol as DF, “Ole” is a Spanish word meaning “hello”, and “cinco de mayo” is a popular and fun holiday some helpful friends recently told DF about. The holiday is celebrated south of the border, and it is called “cinco de mayo” to celebrate the founding of the Mexican capital city of Tijuana in 1923 by the famed conquistador Cinco Cabrones. It is always celebrated on the last day of May, which is perfecto (perfect) for DF, because that happily coincides with tonite’s big roller derby grudge match between the Tough Cookies and the Sirens down at the Doll Factory in historical Hi-Fi.

6.10pm Last minute primping. Must get Cinco de Mayo outfit just right. Let’s see: the colorful serape (cape) and enormous fake bigote (moustache) look totally hot. But the piece de resistance, as my reliable sources have told me, comes from tradition: in order to honor the great Cinco himself, it is customary to wear the largest sombrero possible. Fortunately, DF won a very enormous sombrero as a prize when he recently won the title of “Sir Drinks-a-Lot” one fateful Taco Tuesday at a West Covina El Torito. I’m ready to roll.
»continue reading Cinco de Mayhem: LA Derby Dolls @ The Doll Factory, 5/31/08

Some time ago, we promised Losanjealous readers that if they sent in their desperate requests for advice, somewhere, somehow, one of the L.A. Derby Dolls would answer them. In the intervening weeks, LADD’s Markie D. Sod has been cogitating carefully about your inquiries, and we now present the choicest questions/answers for your reading pleasure.

Dear Derby Doll,

I have a great relationship with my boyfriend, and we’ve talked about getting married, but there’s one catch. I’m a very petite woman and my boyfriend loves—as he puts it—“a whole lotta ass”. He’s said that if he is going to spend the rest of his life with one girl, she’s got to have a big booty. So he’s said that he’ll propose to me only if I get silicone implants in my butt. He’s willing to pay for them, but I’m a little hesitant about altering my body like that, even if it is for the love of my life. What do you think I should do?

—Ann in Pacoima
»continue reading Ask A Derby Doll: Markie D. Sod Responds

3.05pm. Hollywood, CA. Come on girl, that’s it! Faster! Break through the pack! Oh, hello. You’ve caught DF in the middle of his second-favorite derby, that of the Kentucky-and-horse-racing variety. Isn’t the commonality of vocabulary one invokes in rooting for both forms of derby strikingly similar? What an amusing coincidence. Anyway, DF isn’t worried about the race’s outcome because he convinced some ignorant sucker/bookie to take a bet that no horse will be shot on the track immediately after the race. After all, what are the odds that some sick freak would do that?

Thirty seconds later. God dammit. DF makes his way over to the bar for his thirteenth mint julep. Losing $1000 is a painful way to learn that horse assassination is apparently standard in thoroughbred racing. I don’t like that sport anymore. But I do, as Losanjealous readers know well, love me some roller derby. And fortunately, there’s a bout on tap tonite and DF is, per usual, on the guest list.

6.55pm. Hi-Fi, Losanjealous, CA. DF arrives at the Doll Factory in bourbon-soaked seersucker, reeking of muddled mint. I ascend to the media skybox, where plentiful free booze awaits in icy cold buckets (seriously, whoever facilitated this largesse, I love you). There’s particular buzz in the air tonight because this isn’t just a league game, it’s a battle royale for Southern California banked-track roller derby supremacy pitting the LA Ri-ettes, a select team of LADD’s top skaters against the less creatively named San Diego Derby Doll All-stars.
»continue reading SoCal Smackdown: LA and San Diego Derby Dolls @ The Doll Factory, 5/3/08

Losanjealous readers often write to DF with painful and difficult problems in their personal lives. “Should I stay with my spouse?” “Will I ever be happy?” “Is my life worth living?” My answer to all of these queries is simple: obviously not. Well, after much unpleasantness, including a couple really nasty wrongful death lawsuits, I’ve come to realize that perhaps DF’s unflinching-honesty-for-the-masses approach does not make him the best font of wisdom.

“My God,” you’re doubtlessly wondering, “Who then will we contact when we need to know how to conduct our lives?” This is a legitimate concern, but fear not: after extensive negotiations, the L.A. Derby Dolls have come on board as advice columnistas in our all-new Q&A feature, Ask a Derby Doll.™

The inaugural edition of Ask a Derby Doll features the lovely and talented Markie D. Sod for your question-answering and advice-giving pleasure. Markie is a blocker for the LADD’s still-undefeated Tough Cookies. What’s more, she brings a perspective that is expert, as well as brutal: Markie not only mows down opposing jammers on the banked track, but holds a doctoral degree in human sexuality as well (seriously).

The doctor, dear readers, is in. Send all desperate questions and lovelorn inquiries to df@losanjealous.com, and I will forward the choicest (and/or least grotesquely tasteless) of them along to our Doll du jour. Watch this space in a week’s time for Markie’s hard-hitting yet heart-savvy advice.

12 April. 6.50pm. Historic Filipinotown, Losanjealous, CA. The Holy Feast of Spring Break, as Losanjealous readers undoubtedly know, is DF’s fave holiday. As I’m fond of saying, “Jesus didn’t die on the cross at Calvary for us NOT to get pants-shittingly drunk while scoping for honeys with our bros in South Padre (or, as the case may be, Cabo).” And this year, DF’s annual spring fling takes on a whole new twist as he has allocated one of the spots on his vernal-equinox-related tour to the Doll Factory in Historic Hi-Fi to witness the magical amalgam of allure and athleticism that is the LA Derby Dolls.

7.23pm DF rolls up to the Doll Factory where spring break promises to be in full effect. I’ve got all the essential gear: puka shell necklace; spray-on tan in tones of burnt umber; “Rock Out With Ya Cock Out” novelty T-shirt; videocamera to capture the flashings and the floozings and whatnot (later confiscated by un-fun rent-a-cops); and, most importantly, a state of abject, near-hallucinogenic drunkenness that I’ve been honing since my first extended meeting with one Senor Cuervo last Tuesday.
»continue reading Derby Girls Gone Wild: LA Derby Dolls @ the Doll Factory, 4/12/08

5.57pm. In the days leading up to the LA Derby Dolls’ latest bout, DF continues to receive cryptic notes. “DF: beware the Ides of March” reads one. What can this mean? Another: “If you value your life, stay away from the Dolls this weekend” says another. Does someone have a dark plan in place for DF? Finally, my unnamed nemesis writes: “Seriously, DF, if you go to the Doll Factory this Saturday, I will kill you. This is not a euphemism. My plan is to murder you, all right? Jesus.”

6.17pm. To the many (well, three) readers who wrote in the past few days, encouraging DF not to attend the forthcoming match in order to avoid these assassination attempts, I feel you. I also would not want to live in a world without me. And to the many, many more readers who wrote in encouraging DF to attend the match in order to enable assassination, I retort to ye with a heartfelt “suck it”. If the fine ladies of the LADD can risk life and limb to bring titillation to a couple thousand drunk Angeleno hipsters, certainly DF can brave death threats to cover their worthy efforts. To die by their side would be a heavenly way to die. To Historic Filipinotown!
»continue reading The Ides of March: LA Derby Dolls @ The Doll Factory, 3/15/08