4.42pm. Hollywood, CA. DF awakes on the floor next to his sofa and takes stock of the situation. Shirt on, shoes off, pants mysteriously missing. Floor littered with copies of “Gigantic Asses” magazine, and a faint tincture of A1 sauce in the air. Pretty typical for a Sunday afternoon. And then the realization: there’s derby to be watched–the conclusion of the Battle of the Bank begins in mere minutes! DF gathers his wits, grabs his keys, and races out the door.

4.48pm. DF returns to his house to put on much-needed pair of pants.

4.54pm. DF speeds toward the Doll Factory, desperate not to be late for the first jam. No time to brake! DF simply aims his extensively dented, magenta 1996 Chevy Monte Carlo into a nearby cinderblock wall and lets the air bag cushion most of the blow. He walks up to the Factory, assuring onlookers that all is well despite his bedraggled appearance and the steaming automotive wreck behind him. Plus, much of that viscous reddish liquid you see oozing all over me is not blood, but harmless and delicious A1 sauce. It’s derby time!
»continue reading A Derby Smorgasbord, Part II: Banked Track Roller Derby Tourney @ The Doll Factory, June 29, 2008

Prologue: Sandalwood Conference Room, Marina Del Rey Courtyard Marriott

The other day, a heavily besequinned note appeared in DF’s mailbox reading “You are invited to a feast of roller derby.” DF reacted to the invite with titillation, but also suspicion. The last time I was invited to something, it was a free-boat giveaway down at the police station. But when I got there, they just wanted me to pay my forty-six outstanding parking tickets. And they still haven’t given me that goddamned boat!

After a few more hearty slaps, LaVerne’s arm tired and DF was left alone. But the sweet dream was true: I had received a special invite to an event where roller derby gourmands like yours truly would be able to engorge on eight sumptuous games, spanning two gut-busting days, and featuring some of the most delectable roller girls from around the nation.
»continue reading A Derby Smorgasbord, Part I: Banked Track Roller Derby Tourney @ The Doll Factory, 6/28/2008

6.01pm, Saturday, May 31, Losanjealous, CA Ole, dear readers, and happy cinco de mayo! For those of you not as fluent in espanol as DF, “Ole” is a Spanish word meaning “hello”, and “cinco de mayo” is a popular and fun holiday some helpful friends recently told DF about. The holiday is celebrated south of the border, and it is called “cinco de mayo” to celebrate the founding of the Mexican capital city of Tijuana in 1923 by the famed conquistador Cinco Cabrones. It is always celebrated on the last day of May, which is perfecto (perfect) for DF, because that happily coincides with tonite’s big roller derby grudge match between the Tough Cookies and the Sirens down at the Doll Factory in historical Hi-Fi.

6.10pm Last minute primping. Must get Cinco de Mayo outfit just right. Let’s see: the colorful serape (cape) and enormous fake bigote (moustache) look totally hot. But the piece de resistance, as my reliable sources have told me, comes from tradition: in order to honor the great Cinco himself, it is customary to wear the largest sombrero possible. Fortunately, DF won a very enormous sombrero as a prize when he recently won the title of “Sir Drinks-a-Lot” one fateful Taco Tuesday at a West Covina El Torito. I’m ready to roll.
»continue reading Cinco de Mayhem: LA Derby Dolls @ The Doll Factory, 5/31/08

Some time ago, we promised Losanjealous readers that if they sent in their desperate requests for advice, somewhere, somehow, one of the L.A. Derby Dolls would answer them. In the intervening weeks, LADD’s Markie D. Sod has been cogitating carefully about your inquiries, and we now present the choicest questions/answers for your reading pleasure.

Dear Derby Doll,

I have a great relationship with my boyfriend, and we’ve talked about getting married, but there’s one catch. I’m a very petite woman and my boyfriend loves—as he puts it—“a whole lotta ass”. He’s said that if he is going to spend the rest of his life with one girl, she’s got to have a big booty. So he’s said that he’ll propose to me only if I get silicone implants in my butt. He’s willing to pay for them, but I’m a little hesitant about altering my body like that, even if it is for the love of my life. What do you think I should do?

—Ann in Pacoima
»continue reading Ask A Derby Doll: Markie D. Sod Responds

3.05pm. Hollywood, CA. Come on girl, that’s it! Faster! Break through the pack! Oh, hello. You’ve caught DF in the middle of his second-favorite derby, that of the Kentucky-and-horse-racing variety. Isn’t the commonality of vocabulary one invokes in rooting for both forms of derby strikingly similar? What an amusing coincidence. Anyway, DF isn’t worried about the race’s outcome because he convinced some ignorant sucker/bookie to take a bet that no horse will be shot on the track immediately after the race. After all, what are the odds that some sick freak would do that?

Thirty seconds later. God dammit. DF makes his way over to the bar for his thirteenth mint julep. Losing $1000 is a painful way to learn that horse assassination is apparently standard in thoroughbred racing. I don’t like that sport anymore. But I do, as Losanjealous readers know well, love me some roller derby. And fortunately, there’s a bout on tap tonite and DF is, per usual, on the guest list.

6.55pm. Hi-Fi, Losanjealous, CA. DF arrives at the Doll Factory in bourbon-soaked seersucker, reeking of muddled mint. I ascend to the media skybox, where plentiful free booze awaits in icy cold buckets (seriously, whoever facilitated this largesse, I love you). There’s particular buzz in the air tonight because this isn’t just a league game, it’s a battle royale for Southern California banked-track roller derby supremacy pitting the LA Ri-ettes, a select team of LADD’s top skaters against the less creatively named San Diego Derby Doll All-stars.
»continue reading SoCal Smackdown: LA and San Diego Derby Dolls @ The Doll Factory, 5/3/08

Losanjealous readers often write to DF with painful and difficult problems in their personal lives. “Should I stay with my spouse?” “Will I ever be happy?” “Is my life worth living?” My answer to all of these queries is simple: obviously not. Well, after much unpleasantness, including a couple really nasty wrongful death lawsuits, I’ve come to realize that perhaps DF’s unflinching-honesty-for-the-masses approach does not make him the best font of wisdom.

“My God,” you’re doubtlessly wondering, “Who then will we contact when we need to know how to conduct our lives?” This is a legitimate concern, but fear not: after extensive negotiations, the L.A. Derby Dolls have come on board as advice columnistas in our all-new Q&A feature, Ask a Derby Doll.™

The inaugural edition of Ask a Derby Doll features the lovely and talented Markie D. Sod for your question-answering and advice-giving pleasure. Markie is a blocker for the LADD’s still-undefeated Tough Cookies. What’s more, she brings a perspective that is expert, as well as brutal: Markie not only mows down opposing jammers on the banked track, but holds a doctoral degree in human sexuality as well (seriously).

The doctor, dear readers, is in. Send all desperate questions and lovelorn inquiries to df@losanjealous.com, and I will forward the choicest (and/or least grotesquely tasteless) of them along to our Doll du jour. Watch this space in a week’s time for Markie’s hard-hitting yet heart-savvy advice.

12 April. 6.50pm. Historic Filipinotown, Losanjealous, CA. The Holy Feast of Spring Break, as Losanjealous readers undoubtedly know, is DF’s fave holiday. As I’m fond of saying, “Jesus didn’t die on the cross at Calvary for us NOT to get pants-shittingly drunk while scoping for honeys with our bros in South Padre (or, as the case may be, Cabo).” And this year, DF’s annual spring fling takes on a whole new twist as he has allocated one of the spots on his vernal-equinox-related tour to the Doll Factory in Historic Hi-Fi to witness the magical amalgam of allure and athleticism that is the LA Derby Dolls.

7.23pm DF rolls up to the Doll Factory where spring break promises to be in full effect. I’ve got all the essential gear: puka shell necklace; spray-on tan in tones of burnt umber; “Rock Out With Ya Cock Out” novelty T-shirt; videocamera to capture the flashings and the floozings and whatnot (later confiscated by un-fun rent-a-cops); and, most importantly, a state of abject, near-hallucinogenic drunkenness that I’ve been honing since my first extended meeting with one Senor Cuervo last Tuesday.
»continue reading Derby Girls Gone Wild: LA Derby Dolls @ the Doll Factory, 4/12/08

5.57pm. In the days leading up to the LA Derby Dolls’ latest bout, DF continues to receive cryptic notes. “DF: beware the Ides of March” reads one. What can this mean? Another: “If you value your life, stay away from the Dolls this weekend” says another. Does someone have a dark plan in place for DF? Finally, my unnamed nemesis writes: “Seriously, DF, if you go to the Doll Factory this Saturday, I will kill you. This is not a euphemism. My plan is to murder you, all right? Jesus.”

6.17pm. To the many (well, three) readers who wrote in the past few days, encouraging DF not to attend the forthcoming match in order to avoid these assassination attempts, I feel you. I also would not want to live in a world without me. And to the many, many more readers who wrote in encouraging DF to attend the match in order to enable assassination, I retort to ye with a heartfelt “suck it”. If the fine ladies of the LADD can risk life and limb to bring titillation to a couple thousand drunk Angeleno hipsters, certainly DF can brave death threats to cover their worthy efforts. To die by their side would be a heavenly way to die. To Historic Filipinotown!
»continue reading The Ides of March: LA Derby Dolls @ The Doll Factory, 3/15/08

8:30am. Sandalwood Conference Room, Marina Del Rey Courtyard Marriott. DF and LaVerne Casagrande sit across a lacquered hardwood table in the midst of a heated tete-a-tete. Let’s listen in!

“Okay, LaVerne, if no one is trying to kill me, then what do you make of this letter I got yesterday?”

“DF, this is a coupon book offering ‘Killer discounts’ on geriatric toilietries. It’s not even addressed to you.”

“Wrong again, LaVerne. ‘Valued Customer’ is one of my many pseudonyms. Anyway, check out this mysterious note someone put under my door.”

“Hm… ‘OMG, DF! I M going 2 kil U!!! BRB!’ OK, so some fourteen year old is trying to freak you out. I still don’t understand why this means you can’t cover the Derby Dolls this weekend.”

“My God, LaVerne! March fifteenth? Caesar and Brutus? The Ides of March? Do I have to draw you a goddamned diagram?”

“Actually, that might be nice.”

DF draws diagram. The diagram features a snowman in an adorable top hat machine-gunning Osama bin Laden. After several spirited “U-S-A!” chants, DF and LaVerne resume their conversazione.

“Look, DF, I know you want to lay low this Saturday night to avoid assassination attempts, but death risk is part of working for the cultural monolith that is Losanjealous. You’re going to cover the Derby Dolls this weekend, and that’s final.”

Will the Ides of March spell doom for DF at the Doll Factory this weekend? There’s only one way to find out: hie ye hence to the Derby Dolls bout this Saturday eve (advance tix available here). Who knows, maybe the bloodthirsty assassin will be you!

Photo (C) 2008 by 3dsean. Do not use without owner’s permission.

5.55pm. Ring! Mmmyellow? No, escort service, I already told you I’ll be canceling that order for the two middle-aged, slightly chunky Malaysian sisters this evening. Yes, I realize that’s my Valentine’s Day weekend tradition, but this year I have kick-ass social plans instead. Wait, what’s so goddamned funny? Forget it, I’ve got to run. Click.

6.05pm. Well, Gentlemen’s Delight may not believe me, but Losanjealous readers know well that DF does indeed have plans for V-day weekend: an extra-special invite to the L.A. Derby Dolls bout between the Sirens and the Tough Cookies. Untold excitement awaits, and who knows, perhaps I can convince a lovely derby girl to be my bloody valentine!

6.43pm. As I stride through glorious Historic Filipinotown, I perform a mental check to assure that every sartorial and hygienic detail is in order. Powder-blue tuxedo? Check. Curly locks aqua-netted into the increasingly, if bafflingly, popular white-guy afro? Check. Binaca breath spray? Check. Additional Binaca breath spray? Check. Still more Binaca? Check and mate. I’m ready for action!
»continue reading Love & Bruises: L.A. Derby Dolls @ The Doll Factory, 2/16/08

OK, readers, these desperate e-mails to DF asking for V-day weekend suggestions must end. “Bald pate—no date!” “Must impress mate or suffer sad fate!” “Full of self-hate—plan to stay at home and masturbate!” Enough! While the implication that I am a source of sage wisdom is rather flattering and not entirely inaccurate, I am not, repeat NOT, an advice columnist. I can only relate my own personal Valentinesque plans. So in the interest of full disclosure, and at the risk of stating the obvious, let it be known that DF will be spending this Saturday eve at the LA Derby Dolls’ HQ in Historic Filipinotown.

Why? Well, partly because I’m hoping to run into Cory Aquino, Imelda Marcos, or any of the other historic Filipinos who call the area home. I love those bitches. But mostly because there’s going to be an ass-whooping match between the 2007 season champion Sirens and the undefeated-in-2008-albeit-through-only-a-single-game-which- makes- “undefeated” -a-bit-misleading Tough Cookies. Yes, readers, DF is always where the love is at. You are free to follow suit by purchasing derby tix here. But please, no stalking.

Photo (C) 2008 Boss Hogg. All rights reserved.

ROLL ON…
» Pain in the Rain: LA Derby Dolls ‘08 Kickoff Bout @ The Doll Factory, 1/26/08
» Blood & Fishnets: L.A. Derby Doll Championship Bout @ The Doll Factory, 12/8/07
» Bitches on Wheels: L.A. Derby Dolls @ The Doll Factory, 11/17/07
» Roller Derby Madlibs

5.32pm. The night is cold, dreary. Rain drives down without cease. DF’s spirits are as low as the weather is gloomy. Usually when I’m in a mood like this, I just head down the street to Jumbo’s Clown Room and chug Zima until the blues abate. But DF is persona non grata there after causing some … unpleasantness last week. Looks like I’ll just have to engage in the usual Saturday eve Cointreau-and-pork-ribs binge. Then it hits me: there is salvation. Tonight is the L.A. Derby Dolls kick-off bout at the Doll Factory. Fight Crew v. Tough Cookies. Historic Filipinotown and hot roller derby action, here I come!

6.53pm. Arrival at the Doll Factory always lifts my spirits. I so cherish the waiting in line, the personal-injury-waiver-signing, the aggressive pat-down, the—what the shit!?!?! Do my eyes deceive me or is that a Hot Dog on a Stick truck parked right outside the venue? Bellowing like a banshee, I relinquish my place in line and charge to the counter, scattering waiting patrons hither and yon. “Corn dog me”, I demand, and the hilariously accoutred salesgirls accommodate. I devour dog after dog, vaguely aware of but basically indifferent to the phallic connotations, and when I am sated I leave behind a pile of twenty-seven corn dog-less sticks in my wake.
»continue reading Pain in the Rain: LA Derby Dolls ‘08 Kickoff Bout @ The Doll Factory, 1/26/08

6.48pm. Los Anjealous, CA. DF strolls along the streets of Historic Filipinotown* (or, as city officials are trying to amusingly re-brand it, “Hi-Fi”) for a triumphant return to the Valley of the Dolls. On the slate is an event so momentous it would make even the Pope of Rome crap his cassock. You know what I’m talking about: it’s the Los Angeles Derby Dolls 2007 Championship Bout. Fight Crew v. Sirens. Evil Stewardesses v. Bad Policewomen. Truly, an epic evening awaits.

»continue reading Blood & Fishnets: L.A. Derby Doll Championship Bout @ The Doll Factory, 12/8/07

6:47pm. November 17, 2007. DF prowls the streets of Echo Park on a brisk Saturday eve. This time, however, my goal is not to find a bodega that sells my favorite brand of imported Oaxacan mescal, but something even more exotic and forbidden. I take a quick left off Temple, and - oh, glorious! - dead ahead lies The Doll Factory, the steaming, teeming site that will house tonite’s contest involving the fierce yet somehow also adorable ladies of the L.A. Derby Dolls.

6:50pm. Outside the venue, a helpful gentleman security professional reminds us that guns, knives, or other implements of violence are prohibited inside. Dang. I return to my vehicle, dump off assorted assault weapons, and retrace my steps, feeling far less safe. When will the lefty-loon gun control commies learn? Guns don’t kill hard-hitting rollerchicks; bullets do.
»continue reading Bitches on Wheels: L.A. Derby Dolls @ The Doll Factory, 11/17/07