Boba, boba, boba! From the crepuscular canyons of DTLA to the majestic boulevards of mid-city to the salt-tinctured air of seaside Sta Monica, Losanjealous is having a filthy-sexy love affair with the hottest Asian import this side of adopted children for gay parents—Boba! DF sez if you’re not daily consuming two, three, or even six of these delectable “bubble teas” complete with zany spherelets of tasty tapioca, then you’re nobody in this town, mister. And to ride the wave of big boba hype, Losanjealous has scored an interview with the king of boba drinks himself, Star Wars’ own Boba Fett!!!! Let’s listen…

DF: Boba!

Boba Fett: Yes?

DF: Ha, gotcha—I was talking about the drink, not you, Boba Fett!

BF: I see. That was confusing.

DF: So, Boba—Fett, that is!—these crazy boba drinks are blowing up, and I guess you’re thrilled, am I right?

BF: Actually, no. The first I heard of these “bubble tea” beverages was when you contacted me regarding this interview. To be honest, I’m still not sure what they are.

DF: Awesome! So which boba drink is your favorite?

BF: Well, as I said before, I’m not familiar with the beverage you’re talking about. I don’t think I’ve ever had one.

DF: Hey, that’s my fave too! High-five!

A high-five does not ensue, despite DF’s strenuous efforts. Some awkward moments pass.

DF: So, my man, I gotta give you props—we all love boba drinks, but you’re so nuts about them that you actually changed your name to “Boba.” Why are you so batshit crazy over bubble tea?

BF: I think there’s a misunderstanding afoot here. I received my name far, far before any of these new drink establishments opened. Any similarity is nothing more than a linguistic coincidence. Also, I resent the suggestion that I am mentally unstable.

DF: Holla! This man just loves boba, what can I say? So I hear you’re all like “Don’t even talk to me in the morning before I get my boba on.” Right?

BF: No, that’s inaccurate. My job is very demanding—I’m an intergalactic bounty hunter—so it’s necessary to start my day with a healthy, balanced meal. The bubble tea drink you’re talking about would be far too high in processed sugars for this purpose.

DF: Word! Boba tea’s not only hip and delicious—it’s good for you, too! So I bet this boba craze has done great things for your career, right? You have any lucrative cross-promotion deals in the works with the boba bizness crew?

BF: I’m one of the most successful bounty hunters in the galaxy, so I’m not exactly in need of a career boost. Nor am I sure why anyone would think publicity would be attractive to me. My success as a bounty hunter depends on an ability to surprise those I pursue, so if anything I’d prefer to limit my public profile.

DF: Well, readers, it looks like all those rumors swirling around town are true. Boba Fett is the boba-tea-lovinest ninja in L.A.—and that’s saying a lot in this boba-mad town! Bobes, thanks for taking the time to rap with us. And for your time, we’re going to take you out for a tall frosty boba drink on the Losanjealous dime!

BF: I don’t want to do that.

DF: Aw, you’re welcome, homie. Where’s it going to be? “Hello Boba” in K-town, “Bobalicious” in West LA, or “I Am Boba” in Li’l Tokyo?

BF: I’ve found this conversation very frustrating.

DF: Oh, right—you like “Banana Bana Bo-boba” in North Hollywood. It’s a hike, but what the hell, you’ve got a jet pack and all. To the Valley!

BF: …

Boba Fett rises from table, walks out of interview room.

DF: Dayum. That guy loves boba drinks so much he couldn’t even wait for us to get his next fix. How gangsta is that? Hey, Fett, make sure there’s some boba tea left over for us!

End.