A Midsummer Night's Scream: Sirens v. Tough Cookies @ the Doll Factory, 8/31/2010

A Midsummer Night’s Scream: Sirens v. Tough Cookies @ the Doll Factory, 8/31/2010

DF’s many devoted readers constantly bombard Losanjealous with emails desperately desiring to get behind the scenes of his creative process.  [This has never happened.—Ed.]  Just how does a DF derby writeup happen?  What kind of things is DF writing so diligently in that cheap-ass CVS steno pad?  Are the countless spelling and grammar errors intentional expressions of some kind of overwrought irony, or merely the product of the author’s fourth-grade education?  And how can a human being write anything after typically ingesting twelve to fourteen Zima-and-A1-sauce cocktails before even sitting down at the keyboard?

Well, this time around, readers, you’re in for a treat!  Batten down the hatches, load up the Bessemer converters, untie Aunt Tilly and bring her down from the attic, because DF’s going to throw aside the curtain and expose the writing process all proud and impressive and exceeding expectations like when Toto exposed the Wizard.  He’ll not only take you through last Sat eve’s spine-titillating Cookies v. Sirens tilt, but will show you the real-time, textually accurate notes on which his hi-end derby reportage was based.  Oh, it’s going to be terribly interesting.  Here we go!

~7.20pm.  Wind 23knots, SSW.  Excitement palpable.  Sweating profusely.  May drop and/or soil pants.

OK, here I was logging crucial pre-game conditions and expressing my pre-game, post-hiatus sense of heightened anticipation in the throbbing din of the Doll Fac.  The pants-dropping and/or soiling may seem a bit extreme, but hey—this was not only the first bout after a protracted hiatus, but also a critical face-off between the undefeated-in-2010, two-time defending champ Tough Cookies and the ever-dangerous Sirens.  For the Cookies, a win would more or less have locked up their third consecutive Champs Bout berth; for the Sirens, victory would have meant a tie for the league lead.  Pretty momentous, eh?  Now who’s dropping and/or soiling their pants?

Stefcon = fast.  Wo0t = some kind of alphanumeric call to arms?  (V. confused.)  Cookies ahead.  Mmmm…  Cookies…

Here, I’m simply expressing that early action was relatively reserved, with a wee Siren lead thanks to good work from blocker-turned-jammer Amber Alert!  But soon after, the Cookies’ Stefcon 1 displayed her distinctive combination of speed and silky skillz, and slipped the Sirens pack four times in two early jams, racking 10 and 7 points, and helping her side to a 34-25 lead after the first quartile.

Awesome porno-screenplay idea!  Feature entitled “Spaceballs”—have actors reprise 1987 Mel Brooks farce, but with on-screen sex.

You see, sometimes the creative mind drifts.  The kids call it “multi flasking,” or so I think I’ve heard.  But of more moment, the second quarter, she was a doozy.  The Sirens spent the first several jams whittling down the Cookies’ lead, and when V. Lee racked four in typically rangy style, the Sirens trailed by a mere four.  Then the bout became afflicted by what Steven Colbert might call “fouliness.”  Six of the last seven jams were of the lone-skater, power variety, leading to mass point-scoring and lead-changery.  Raven Seaward tied matters with a four pointer, but OG TC Laguna Beyatch raised the stakes, faking Killo Kitty out of her Kevlar hotpants and dropping a ten-pointer to reclaim the lead for the TCs.  V. Lee then grabbed seven points in a solo jam (and engaged in some atmo-enhancing trash talk with iconic blocker Krissy Krash).  The half ended with Laguna again breaking the Sirens’ defense for nine points, while PITA kept matters close with a gutsy, half-ending four-point jam.  At the halfway mark, Cookies led Sirens 67-57.

Oof.  Gastrointestinal system in full-on—and possibly also audible—revolt.  Must Twitter about this—the world has to know!!!!

Kind of self-explanatory.  I really did spend halftime composing, revising, spellchecking, and ultimately, sending several pleonastic—and frankly pretty damned eloquent—tweets on this very topic.

Must make out with and/or get revenge on:  Delta Burke, makers of “Billy Beer,” Prince Franz of Liechtenstein, Octo-Mom, the “Double Rainbow” guy, “KITT” from Knight Rider…

Yikes.  That list goes on for seven pages, and I’m not entirely sure who goes in which category.  But during the time I was composing this list, the third quarter happened, and it appeared to be a slow, steady grind toward yet another Tough Cookies victory.  Sniperella, Gori Spelling, and Aggro Vader all contributed point-scoring jams early on as the Cookies began to put the Sirens in their rear-view mirror.  PITA earned plaudits for delivering the bout’s violentest hit, a flying cross-body block that sent Aggro Vader airborne and would have made Shawn Merriman proud.  A late-quarter nine-point power jam by Raven Seaward gave the Sirens brief hope, but STEFCON seemed to squelch it by immediately responding with ten points on her own solo skate.  At the end of the third stanza, the Cookies led by 109-84, and another dominant TCs win seemed in the offing.

Poss. auto-biog Title: “ARE YOU CALLING ME A FUCKIN’ LIAR?  The DF Story!”  Q: how many pirate flags can appear in book titles?  –wait, KK out?

Here, my thought process re another project was interrupted when Krissy Krash, aforementioned iconic blocker, was ejected for penalty accumulation following the first jam of the fourth quarter, and all of a sudden the bout was like an oily-cheeked fourteen-year-old in pizza-face paradise: its complexion changed.  Over four consecutive jams, Raven Seaward, Dash Assault, and Tilda Whirl grabbed nineteen points, cutting the Cookies’ lead to a mere two, and putting all the momentum in the Sirens’ column.

Where the F did all the skaters go?  Most plausible theory:  eaten by piranhas.

All right, so I got that one wrong.  Gimme a break, I was pretty drunk by that point.  As it happened, the match’s fouliness had grown so intense by this point that the Sirens were awarded a power jam with only one blocker skating for each team.  The ensuing jam was a derby minimalist’s lurid fantasy, pitting the Cookies’ (and DF’s compadre in tibial injury) Legacy alone against Amber Alert! and V. Lee (jamming) for the Sirens.  The Cookies caught a break when V. Lee slipped to the track early, but the jam was more or less a flat-out sprint race between Amber and Legacy, and as the crowd roared them on, Legacy summoned her inner Usain Bolt and pulled away, preventing the Sirens from scoring at all, and squelching what could have been a game-changing jam.  But even as the crowd was still cheering for Legacy’s feat, Tilda Whirl responded  by lapping the Sirens pack twice for eight points and shaving the Cookies’ lead to a mere one.

ZOMFG Sirenz comeback!!   Am having scintillation-related chest pains—and LOVING IT!!!

Fortunately, I managed to avert my eleventh heart attack and observe what appeared to be the final jam (“or was it?” asked DF, in a clever, if somewhat smarmy, foreshadowing move…).  129-128, Tough Cookies clinging to a slender reed of a lead, less than a minute left, top blocker PITA having just been ejected for accumulation, Siren Raven Seaward facing off against TC Gori Spelling, crowd cheering cacophonically.  Gori got off the line faster, but Raven chased her down, split the pack, called the jam, and as the crowd roared raucously, knotted the bout at 130!

Muy emocionante!  Sehr spannend!  C’est formidable!  Abbondanza! 獣兵衛忍風帖,!

DF was speaking (or at least note-taking) in tongues at this point, but you’ll forgive him, won’t you?  After all, amid Doll Factory din, it became clear that Raven’s call took place with four seconds left, setting up yet another final jam, this time with the Cookies’ Laguna Beyatch facing off against the Sirens’ Minnie Juggs.  Minnie took first advantage, slipping the pack and trying to call—but no whistle from the refs.  Laguna took every chance to exploit the mysterious circumstances, blowing through the Siren pack and netting five points, then calling and claiming victory for the Cookies as the crowd threatens to blow the roof off the Doll Factory.  And this time, there would be no post-final final jam:  For after the post-bout chaos settled a bit, it emerged that Minnie Juggs was called for a major penalty right off the line (ramming Venus de Maul’r), which forfeited her ability to score points or call the jam, allowing Laguna free reign to steal a gut-churning, crowd-frenzifying, hosanna-inspiring Cookies win at the death.


Yeah, well, sometimes the English language fails even DF, as these final, post-bout notes reveal.  The upshot is that the Cookies beat the Sirens 135-130, after sixty minutes of action so tit-slingingly, jock-droppingly, complex-rule-requiringly, brain-flummoxingly intense it could only be LADD roller derby.  For the record, the win consolidates the Tough Cookies’ sole possession of first place atop the Derby Dolls 2010 table and keeps them undefeated on the season.  The Cookies have basically locked up a spot in the Champs Bout, but at this point any of the other four teams could theoretically face them in December, so stay tuned.  Next match is a special edition on September 11 featuring the LADD All-Star Ri-Ettes against Tucson’s Iron Curtain, whereafter league action resumes later that month when the Swarm battle the Varsity Brawlers down in San Diego.  It’s going to be a gooood second half of the season.  Goddamn am I glad hiatus is over.

Photos and credits:

1.  Krissy Krash and a particularly vicious-looking Sniperella sandwich Minnie Juggs.

2.  Did you know there is a Demolicious/LADD themed cookie?  It is made by Freshly Baked of Echo Park.  DF ingested this confection this very Monday at Dave’s sandwich shop in Eagle Rock and found it not at all tough, but rather as delicious and wonderful as its namesakes.

3.  Laguna outdistances pack, emerges yet again as lead jammer, and sends Siren counterpart theatrically sprawling in the process.

4. Here is a v. nice pic of V. Lee.

5.  Out of temporal order, but I could not resist including this great pic of the Sirens’ amusing skate-out, which was Jaws-themed (though initially I thought the masks were Joker-from-Batman references).

6.  Sirens adorably agog, fronted by Tilda Whirl.

7.  Celebrating Cookies surround tired yet heroic Laguna.

Photos #1 and #3-7 by Stalkerazzi; (C) 2010 by LA Derby Dolls.  All rights reserved.  Photo #2 by DF; ah what the hell, go ahead and copy it all you want.

As per usual, corrections and commendations, are welcome at df at losanjealous dot com.  If you want to relive the bout in a more Lilliputian format, check DF’s EXACTLY 300-word capsule summary over at DNN.  And you can also follow DF on Twitter (@theDF), which you will really dig if you like tweets about dyspepsia and other gastrointestinal tribulations.