Air Guitar Championships: Secrets to Success
By Ron - Wednesday July 13th 2005
The third annual US Air Guitar Championships will be held Thursday night at the Key Club. I’ve been studying performances from past champions and offer the following advice to this year’s hopefuls:
- No matter how much you love Van Halen, do not choose a Van Halen song. Everyone else will choose Hot for Teacher or Eruption and cancel each other out Boggle-style.
- It is not enough to merely dress like an actual Guitar God–you must go over the top. 2003 champion David Jung started with sensible spandex tights but accessorized with a Hello Kitty face strapped to his chest. This is what champions are made of.
- By no means should you air tune your own guitar. This is the big leagues. Leave the tuning to your personal air roadie.
- Even though you’re playing an air guitar you still need to nail your fretwork. You will look like an assclown if you slide away from your guitar’s body as notes are increasing in pitch.
- As Hulk Hogan has taught us, nothing excites a crowd more than cupping your hand to your ear to imply they aren’t being loud enough.
- During your solo, look at the crowd in astonishment of your virtuosity. They will share your amazement.
- Jumpkicks win championships.
- Close strong. There are no rules preventing you from incorporating fire in your act. Sneak lighter fluid and a Zippo on stage and let the magic happen.
I recommend any track off My Bloody Valentine’s “Loveless.” I know I airguitar to it all the time.
“sensible spandex tights” hahahahaha! holy crap.