I’ll Miss You, Mary

congrats, mair. you’ve earned it. God damn it.Koreatown, 9pm
Undisclosed Location

Me: So it has come down to this then. And here we sit. Nine on the dot and here we sit over soup. It has come down to this, over this bowl of pho, this spring roll of mint-and-shrimp, this wedge of lime, this powdered pepper. God damn it, intern. Gimme hug. You’ve graduated.

Mair the intern shakes my hand and proffers a polite yet formal hug.

Me: How’d this happen? I couldn’t even get you to review Oki Pico.

Mair: I told you. It was 8:30 in the morning. I couldn’t find myself going in for chili and cheese for breakfast.

You’re a disgrace to food interns, everywhere.


I take that back.

Me: Three solid hours of course credit. Was it worth it?

Mair: Actually the review board determined the website did not meet the base qualifications of an accredited intern sponsor. I got no hours for this.

Me: (Nodding) And yet here you sit. And here I sit. God damn it intern. We’re equals now, fifty-fifty, even steven, partners, the whole nine yards. Something like that. From this day forth you are no longer Mair the Intern. No my good sir: you now have your own column. You’re Mac and Cheese Mair now. Sure, I said it. Sure: I mean it. It’s your passion. I can’t deny you your passion. God damn it. This soup is hot.

I suddenly feign ’hot pho lips’ as a means to daub napkin to eyes, hopefully imperceptibly.

Me: You will remember to try Kate Mantilini’s at some point. Right? Have the good sense to say ’yes, sir’ and be done with it. Give me a little respect here, now, at the end of it. Sign this contract and our work here is finished. G’head, sign it.


Will you fucking sign the thing already.


Me: I hate these formalities. I’m actually tearing up here. Fuck this. I’m leaving. I’m no good with goodbyes. What say we celebrate later, though. Oki-dog. Sunday. My treat, what the hell.

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Losanjealous is proud to announce a new addition to the roster: Mac and Cheese Mair, coming to Losanjealous Q2 ’06. Exclusive Macaroni Reviews and Yadda.

In other news
. . . Losanjealous has an immediate opening for a strong-stomached intern. Must be willing to be subjected to occasionally dangerous foodstuffs. Ideal candidate should be able to shrug off ostensible humiliations and boorishness with aplomb. E-mail for details.