Kibitz Komune @ Canter’s, April 5: The Losanjealous Timeline
I met my editor, tyrant and micromanager, Ryan at the Kibitz room for the “Kibitz Komune!”, a Soren Gray benefit show featuring The Vacation, Paul Chesne, Soren Gray, Drugstore Cowgirls and more! Ryan had warned me to conduct myself as a pillar of journalistic integrity and to NOT mix up the Tegels and not to annoy the barstaff for he is a regular there. He told me to show up on time, not to imbibe too much and to GET MY STORY IN RIGHT AWAY. He must have spoken to LaVerne who might be a bit miffed at me since she caught me trying to wheel the Kegerator out of the conference room afterhours. As a matter of fact, Ryan informed me that he wasn’t taking “any of my sass” and that he has a “zero tolerance policy for foolishness” whilst on assignment. He wasn’t taking any chances. He was shadowing me for the night and making sure I didn’t charge up the Losanjealous Amex with t-shirts, shots for everyone in the bar (that only happened once and it was as the Tiki Ti and there were only four people in the bar!) and that I didn’t dance onstage while I was supposed to be taking photos.
Arrive at venue. Ryan is nowhere to be seen. Door guy gives me lip about there being a dress code. I say that I’m in a dress, so what’s the problem. Door guy says I need “more flair”…whatever that means. Finally lets me in as I agree to wear his hand made bedazzled donkey brooch and pass out his bedazzling business cards.
Text message to Ryan: M here. hve notebook & camra. Whr u?
Text message to Ryan: Dude. M @ bar. dont mke me drink.
Text message to Ryan: 1 of Tegels next 2 me @ bar. Not sure which one. Byng shot.
Ryan is standing behing me and asking if I used the Amex to buy the shot and hissing at me not to drink with the Tegels, not to buy any tortas and to get up to the front of the stage and take photos because Paul Chesne is going on.
While shooting photos of Paul Chesne who is playing with members of the Vacation, I spot Ryan in the mirror doing shots with a redhead.
Paul Chesne is ripping it up as I catch a glimpse of Ryan standing at the bar with 2 chicks from ANTM. They are all doing shots.
Paul Chesne busts out special guests, including Joe Cripps on congas.
Spot Ryan with arm around guy with laser pointer at bar. They have drinks. I make international “I’m thirsty” motion at them. Ryan makes stern face. Laser pointer guy shines laser pointer in my eyes and flips me off.
Paul Chesne leaves the stage to a crowdful of appreciative screams, backslaps, highfives, other peoples’ girlfriends following him and general mayhem. Don’t see Ryan.
Am trying to get bartenders attention. Making international “dying of thirst” signal at him. He laughs and walks away. I spot Ryan in a booth with 4 girls. All of them have drinks that are on fire.
Drugstore Cowgirls hit the stage. I try and take photos but some guy in his 60’s keeps bodyslamming me and trying to start a circular moshpit. Someone buys him a beer and puts it on stage. I steal it and walk away. I have taken some photos.
Smoke break. I walk outside to see Ryan and bandmembers standing outside. They all have slices of pizza. Ryan keeps asking Jonny, the new guy in the Vacation which Tegel he is.
Jeannette: “He’s not a Tegel, Ryan. He’s the new guy. His name is Jonny.”
Ryan: “Jonny Tegel? How many of them are there?”
Jeannette: “He’s not a Tegel.”
Ryan: “Get inside! You’re supposed to be taking pictures! What did I tell you about mixing up the Tegels again? Thin ice!”
The Vacation hits the stage. I take photos. They’re rocking BALLS OUT as usual. People are standing on booths and screaming. Laser pointer guy keeps lasering me and flipping me off. I spot Ryan dancing on the bar with chick in fishnets and zebra boots.
I get to hear the new song “Assf*cking in the Desert” which makes my night. People are airhumping, pumping fists and hooting. The 60 year old guy is back in full effect in the front row. I wait for a woman in a maroon prom dress to buy him a beer and steal it before he has time to see it sitting on the stage.
The Vacation have called Soren Gray, Joe Cripps and Paul Chesne onstage and it’s a sonic orgy. The orgy of chaos continues in the audience. Ryan is standing behind me telling me that he wants a shot from behind the band of the audience going nuts.
Me: “I can’t get on stage. There’s no room! There are like 7 guys on there and it’s the size of a diving board”
Ryan: “Get us that photo! Get us that journalistic exclusive! I want that photo!”
I attempt to get on stage. I attempt to get behind the band. I fall over a pile of coats. A girl that looks like Lindsay Lohan starts spanking me on the ass in time to Denny’s drums with a yellow spiked heel. Lose donkey brooch …. possibly in pile of coats.
The 60 year old is in the front row speaking in tongues to the music. He needs a good limpia or a minor exorcism.
I ask the bartender for a beer. He gives me a cola. The band is done but Ryan is still dancing to no music. I pickpocket him and put more money in Soren Gray’s collection bucket.
I go out to the sidewalk to make sure Ryan’s ok. He’s wearing the yellow spiked heels. He starts yelling at me and telling me that my interview better be good. Door guy is in my face about the brooch. Interview?????!!!!
After doing a quick sweep of the club, trying to find someone to interview, I spot The Vacation loading up the last of their equipment into the van. I need to get some sort of an interview before they take off.
Me: “HEY STEVE…. Do you have any words for the devil?”
Ben: “Yeah. I’m not a piece of meat!”