Ridin’ Dirty in the Jesus Van


Saw this van the other day in Redondo Beach. And I thought to myself: is this a non-denominational Jesus Van? Because it could be especially useful as a Catholic van. Just imagine the convenience of a van performing drive-by or home-delivery confession services. You might be sitting there at a light. You’re on your way to your side dish’s house, your girlfriend completely unaware. The Jesus Van rolls up next to you. You look over and a small window slides aside. A priest collar is visible. And you have a quick chance to confess your sins before the light turns green and you head to her house anyway.

What about criminals? Do they see the Jesus Van and immediately think: perfect for a bank heist? Would the cops ever pull over the Jesus Van? And if the cops ever did pull over the Jesus Van, what if the driver didn’t resemble Jesus whatsoever? What if the driver, by way of drug paraphernalia, profanity or obscene gestures, made it perfectly clear that they were not Christian, nor very much interested in Christianity either? What if the driver was a Hasidic Jew? Would the cops immediately suspect that the vehicle had been stolen?

What if the side windows are darkly tinted, and when the cop taps on the window, he suddenly realizes that Satan is, in fact, is driving the vehicle? If you had the chance to apprehend Satan, I guess you would take that chance, right? What if the window rolled down and a blinding light spilled out into the street-a light so strong the the police officer was thrown to the ground? Would that report ever be filed?

One thing I also wondered: did Xzibit perhaps find Jesus recently? Is this what he now means by “pimping” someone’s ride? Garland?

And what about certain other vehicles on the road? If the Jesus Van were trying to merge into traffic, say, somewhere near the Vatican, would the Popemobile yield? Yeah, I’m not so sure it would, either. I don’t mean to stereotype, but, let’s face it, the Popemobile is a Mercedes. And Mercedes drivers, when not consumed with disdain for BMWs or laughing out loud about Audis, are either driving just below the speed limit in the left-most lane or blasting by you at top speed with no turn signal.

What if you are in an ambulance and, somehow, you’re able to notice the Jesus Van through the rear door windows? Would that be comforting at all?

And what if you drive a Satan Van? If you came across the Jesus Van, would you try and race it? What if you lost? Would that mean anything? Or would you just try and ram the Jesus Van demolition derby-style?

A lot of questions, I know. And too few indie rock references. One thing is for sure, though. You don’t have to think too hard about what it says on the sun visor: