Saw this van the other day in Redondo Beach. And I thought to myself: is this a non-denominational Jesus Van? Because it could be especially useful as a Catholic van. Just imagine the convenience of a van performing drive-by or home-delivery confession services. You might be sitting there at a light. You’re on your way to your side dish’s house, your girlfriend completely unaware. The Jesus Van rolls up next to you. You look over and a small window slides aside. A priest collar is visible. And you have a quick chance to confess your sins before the light turns green and you head to her house anyway.

What about criminals? Do they see the Jesus Van and immediately think: perfect for a bank heist? Would the cops ever pull over the Jesus Van? And if the cops ever did pull over the Jesus Van, what if the driver didn’t resemble Jesus whatsoever? »continue reading Ridin’ Dirty in the Jesus Van

Anybody notice what’s wrong with this picture? No?

Well, I don’t really know what Philly did to deserve this kind of abuse.

A picture of the Brooklyn Bridge at a Philly cheesesteak joint? The fucking WTC? In place of the Philadelphia skyline? Why don’t you just paint somebody pissing on the Liberty Bell in the bottom lefthand corner? Why don’t you have a graffiti-rendering of Benjamin Franklin with a ball gag? This is ridiculous. This is like going into a “Twin Cities Diner” and seeing a picture of the Quad City DJ’s. Or a South Philly taco truck called “San Diego Tacos” with a huge picture of the Hollywood sign on its side. If you can buy San Diego tourists in South Philly, can you imagine their outrage? Sadly, this reinforces many of the “what outside world?” stereotypes people have of Los Angelenos. Is Los Angeles truly destined to be the next “hermit kingdom”? Recent commenters of the month may pick up on that reference.

Of course, if the cheesesteaks were any good, I would certainly fix my tone. But the best steaks I’ve ever had in L.A. were at the Detour Fest. And, just like Luke Skyywalker: I Ain’t Bullshittin’. Its the same stand that was at Coachella, and it has the most authentic Philly-style steaks I’ve yet tasted in Socal. If they have a brick-and-mortar in L.A., someone please make it known. If you must, though:

Philly Steak
1551 Ocean Ave. (entrance on Colorado)
Santa Metallica, CA 90401
310/434-9668

I’m a big fan of this TV show and I recently had the opportunity to email the producer and creator, Lou Pizarro, a few questions. As you can see, he’s a real good sport. Not to mention, a very protective brother. I disagree with him about Lauren Sanchez and was disappointed that he didn’t green-light drug-testing for NFL head coaches, but I appreciate the time he took out to answer my questions. Someone probably got to keep their car for an extra fifteen minutes. Here goes:

When you initially emailed me and asked me to contact you with any questions, I have to admit, I was a little worried. Since I had written some less than flattering things about Sonia on my page, I was thinking that I would call you guys up, Vanessa would trace the call and Sonia and Matt would arrive at my house, tow my Prelude and bitch-slap me in front of the neighbors. Was that the original the plan?

First and foremost to let you know the comments about my sister did not bother her one bit, for she just shrugs it off and laughs. And as far as Sonia and Matt showing up at your doorstep, it would be to say thanks for at least taking the time to watch the show, whether your opinions are good or bad..hehehe..so relax and don’t worry.

How’s your head? I saw you take that beer bottle “to the dome.”

My head is fine, I have had worse.

When you went to the hospital to get the stitches (I assume down the block on Reseda and Roscoe) did any doctors recognize you and put you in front of other people in the emergency room?
»continue reading Operacion Repo Interview

I don’t know about you, but I have never seen Italy spelled this way before. An Italian can’t be responsible for this oversight. Unless, maybe, the Italian is of teething age.

This came as a double-shock to me because I never even knew Italian furniture existed in the first place. I thought Swedes were wholly responsible for home furnishings. I started imagining IKEA stockholders sabotaging the sign in order to retain their share of the market. Though, as you can see, the lowercase “i” is bold and unblemished and does not sit next to an awkwardly crossed-out uppercase “I”. Like all conspiracy theories, this one is flimsy at best and reveals more of a deep personal battle with cynicism.

Aside from a furniture guild suddenly, Sweden and Italy also share a very large extreme metal community. And as we all know, extreme metal is dominated by hackers, bookworms and other board-game-winning party-poopers. Please, let’s not upset the international (and largely humorless) extreme metal community. Let’s take care of this blatant disregard for capitalization before they throw an impromptu parking lot festival full of black jeans, intimidating tattoos and cookie monster repartee.

I would like to call a protest directly in front of “The Best of italy.” If you have ever been called “Captain Correcto,” or often hear the term “touché,” then you are just the person I am looking for. Please email me so we can set a time during business hours. I’m not too big on protests which don’t require me to call out of work. Please also remember a couple of things:
»continue reading Giving you the best, the best, the best of italy