“All Access A VIP Experience” Saturday 11/3 @ VANGUARD
Yes yes yes STARRY’z been gone awhilez. But UNlike ur mother she had a fabulous Halloween! Do u know who she wuz? Teela! The cartoon one! Starry had many female role models growing up (Stevie Nicks, Dale Bozzio, Kim Kardashian, Rihanna) but Teela was the fir7t. It shames Starry to say this now but watching her run around Eternia in her hooker boots and unitard made Starry verRry excited and kon-fuzed. Starry wanted to touch her gymnasty body and wuz scar3d. But then she discovered Tom Selleck and the rest is herstory!!!
So flashdance-forward back to the future. Last Saturday. Starry’z in the midzt of it all as uszh accompanied by fave superglamOr photographer Patrick Su. Patrick is totally positive and totally into young people with fresssh facezzz. Once a long time ago Patrick took a picture of Starry wearing nothing but a bishop’s hat and cowboy boots. It wuz political. His work is totally amazing and his website is www.patricksuphotography.com and he can take any girl and make her look like Alyssa Milano and I hope they don’t fire Starry for promoting her friendz’ fierze Syde-proJektZzz!!!
So like Starry and Patrick r waiting outside Vanguard and az she wuz saying thank gozzle for her connections so she only had 2 wait 20 minutes to get in and only paid 20 VIPpin’ dollars which means she only paid 1$ per minute. Starry-power babies, ya born wit’ it. Why anyone would wait in a line five-deep two bloxx long is beyond Starry kuz’ Magic Mountain’s closed and ain’t no-one ridin’ the Superman. It reminded Starry of the raves she used to go to when she wuz an undisklozed age between 12 and 35.
So Starry notez some hits and misses and misters. There are five DJs here tonite and probably 25 guys named “DJ”. The club’z so packed Starry can’t tell if people are dancing or commuting. There r six smoking patioz so at least we’re dealing with professionals. Starry basically approves which is crazy hard but the peoplez oh my peoplez. A warehouse of English grooves can only be held so responsible. There are crimes being committed against the partytime state which ’n-spires Starry to sukk deep on her SmartWater and Cranberry and retestify to what she dislikes to call. . . .
There’z some thingz u can’t be doing Nia Peeplz!!! 4 ’n-stance:
1) Don’t “feel it” while u r ordering ur drink. Order the drink, wait for the drink, then get the drink. If you order the drink and then “feel” the DJ “drop the record” and start pointing at thingz like they are enemies then you will spill ur drink. Don’t drop the record. Unless it’s yr 2 DUIs.
2) Don’t say you “can’t take pictures”. You are not “under contract” with anybody. Except your parents. Be comfortable w/ fame.
3) Who r u texting? No ur not. Starry hopes u r only using your Black5erry to underlight your face. Now that’s showmanship.
4) Don’t crowd Starry or her sexy friends. You are wearing a chocolate polo and cologne called “Megatron”. It’s over and Starry seekz closure.
5) Table Service. Whut the fuxxx? Just because you paid $600 to drink orange juice in a tent doesnt make you Duran Duran. Starry just wants a sip of Aquafina and then u can go back to playing D&D.
6) Let me look on the list. Nope. No “loud fat chick+9” No Starry won’t check again.
7) Jason isn’t coming. He isn’t on his way. He isn’t on the 101. He’s asleep and his phone’s on autotext. Also he thinks your loud and fat.
So that’s it 4 now. Here’s a new word:
SHIRT:(n.) (shurt) 1. a young male person
“i don’t know Karen theres a lot of shirts here just park and well go s-where else”