Starry wuz supposed to write about this thing she went to that Paper Magazeen did and she forgot. She feels like a stupid-ass slutty bitch with no taste. In other wordz she feelz fine.

So um. Sh7t. Starry kind of forgets what happened b/c it was so long ago but like Paper magazine bought this store on La Brea that used to sell furniture and pasta and now it sells nothing so they want 2 cellabrate. It wuz chill. They had some pictures of people wearing turtlenecks sticking they tongues out. They also gave out wine which was cool b/c Starry didn’t have $1.78 to buy the bottle. There wuz some people there like Phyllis Diller. There was also some skinny hating bitches who wished they had Starry’z long legz and hott azz. And there wur girls there 2. A few people weren’t dOOshbaGGz and had style. 4 instance: Starry had to give maddd properz to 1 boy who wore a leather kimono jacket with lariat pendant and trompe-l’oeil harem pants. She thinks a Steven Speilberg movie threw up on him but he worked it OWWWT!!!
»continue reading Starry F***’d up she wuz supposed 2 write this Paper Magazine thing like seven months ago and she 4got whoopz

Yes yes yes STARRY’z been gone awhilez. But UNlike ur mother she had a fabulous Halloween! Do u know who she wuz? Teela! The cartoon one! Starry had many female role models growing up (Stevie Nicks, Dale Bozzio, Kim Kardashian, Rihanna) but Teela was the fir7t. It shames Starry to say this now but watching her run around Eternia in her hooker boots and unitard made Starry verRry excited and kon-fuzed. Starry wanted to touch her gymnasty body and wuz scar3d. But then she discovered Tom Selleck and the rest is herstory!!!
»continue reading “All Access A VIP Experience” Saturday 11/3 @ VANGUARD

(Some names have been changed to protect the fabuluzzz but it’s all true ya whores.)

Starry Knightz looks for 2 things in a make-up store: 1) make-up 2) empowerment.

Sozers. . .my oldest/latest worst/best galpal Niko B. texts me up to text me that there’s going to be this textastic event at the L’Oreal Paris Store @ The Beverly Center. Thank goZZle. The L’Oreal Stockholm store SUXXXXXXX!

She texts Starry’z StarrBerry saying THERES GOING 2 B ART AND FREE STUFF @ BEVCENT and I text FREE STUFF YES ON IT STARRY’Z THERE C U SOON LUVZ and she texts LUVZ 2 U 2 =] and I text YES LUVZ AND MO LUVZ ;] and she texts DRINX? and I text MIDNYTE @ THE OASIS!!! and she texts HA HA HA WHAT??? and I text IM DOWNSTARES WHERE R U? and she texts GLENDALE and I text WHERE MY ASS LIVES and she texts LMFAOSBIHMP!!! and I text C U IN 3 HOURS AND 45 MINUTES.

So even though we’re getting free drinks and grapes at the make-up place we decide to meet at B.X. TRANG’s for Or-D’Urvs. Niko walks in wearing daisy dukes, heels, and self-esteem optional vanilla highlightz. We could be twins. “OHMYGOD Starry it’s so great to see you I need a drink!” she says kissing Starry and not putting her phone down and I say “Darling you look more processed than FISH STICKS!”
»continue reading Art ‘N’ Stuff @ L’Oreal Paris Store Beverly Center Blah Blah Blah

Starry’z gonna hate herself for doing this but she’s gotta introduce you to her best friend Smooches. She works in a law firm. If she wuz a shirt it would say “49% Angel, 1000% Bitch–Don’t Push Me” She’s loud and stupid and shops at Forever 21. When she talks I want to throw up. Starry kind of hates her. But she has amazing JUGGZ!!! So Starry called her up and said “Do you want to eat sushi and wear name tagzz?” and she said “Hellz yeah!” and Starry said “Awesomezzz!”

So we had to go to the California Science Center, which Starry thought was like a hip club downtown. But it’s not. It’s a California Science Center. And we had to be there by 6 or something, and Starry’z like, What is that number you invented? “6″??? What is that? Starry doesn’t know what that izz but Smoochez drove so we were only three hours late PH3W!!!!
»continue reading The Science of Sake @ California Somethin’ or Other

This may surprise you my Starrlings but some people at traffic court, not all of them, but some them. . .have maaaaaaaad style!!!

So you may be wondering why I’m here. K. I was out with my palz Scott Gay-o, Ryann SeKrets, Jarryd Stilleto and Tom Skrewz at the Cha-Cha lounge (if this be dyke heaven then Starry wants 2 convert). One mojito led to another and somehow your Starry ran a few red lightz on the way to the ladeeezz room! Between u and Starry: I pissed on my steering wheel!!!

Which brings us to downtown. . .DOWNtown. . .when ur alone, and you don’t have a job, and you also have traffic ticketz. . .DOWNTOWN! And this place: it looks like the crashed Tran5former spaceship. If they had crashed in 1972 on a mission from Fire Island. But anyway anyway, what I am saying is that here of all places, there are people here who are scoring style p9ints! Well me for one of course, I wanted to look the part, blend in with the foreground: burlap skirt, peasant top (bear with me), drapey pashmina, pearls, middle-parted hair combed tightly in braids. I may not be free to go but I’m definitely Frida Kahlo!!!! jA jA Ja jA Ja j3 AY K RIKO!!!
»continue reading Starry ‘Duz Traffikk Kou7t

Hrmph. . .sorry my Starrlings. . .urk. . . [heavy breathing]. . . but your Starry. . . eeeg. . . is in the middle. . .snook. . .of doing something. . .cmub. . .tricky. . .

Finished!

. . .and they said you couldn’t deconstruct vintage Louis Vuitton handbags and sew them back together into harem-inspired culottes!

Speaking of bags, Betsey Johnson’s were the theme of the latest and greatest excuse to get jiggedy at the Avalon. (HA HA HA HA HA “jiggedy” I am a ge3ius and a cun7!) Her Starresty was hoping to bag a purse or five but that modest plan was scratched by a sitchie that she will dramatize as an exchange between a gorgeous airplane and a jealous, dykey control tower.

“Starry Knightz to Avalon Party Control, Starry Knightz to Avalon Party Control, requesting permission to come in for a fierce and unforgettable landing.”

“Negative, Starry Knightz. We have a Switchfoot show still on the runway. Audience must exit safely and non-hazardously. You will be diverted to the Jerry Lewis Townhouse along with 200 of your new best friends.”

“The Whoochfoot who??? I don’t need new best friends, I need to get drunk with my old worst friends, Keith SubUrban and Jake Thrillenhaal.”

“You have to wait.”

“But Starry’z thirsty!!!”
»continue reading Betseyville@Avalon, March Something, ‘07

Hola queridos amigos, como esTAMos???!!! We are doing quite well thanx to your Starryness, who just got a little, oh, billet-douxxx from the hotmeisters at CLUB 82 that lip-reads as follows:

To celebrate our third and best bash to date we are throwing a private party to remember in the Jerry Lewis Townhouse.

(Unlike when Jerry was there ZZZZZZZZZZING!!!)

This month’s CLUB 82 CALLING ALL DJS will feature main room DJ sets by UK dance floor gurus Freeform Five (featured in Mylo’s “Musclecars”, “No More Conversations”) plus Blake from Moving Units, Paul V. (host of Indie 103.1’s “Smashmix” and “Neon Noise”), Acid Girls and a special live set by Suicide Club presented by Morphine Generation. Guests in the main room will be treated to $5.00 drink specials before 11:00PM and $1 dollar Dewars. Sean Patrick will host the I.D.E.A. VIP Lounge inside Honey. CLUB 82 CALLING ALL DJS is presented by Indie 103.1 and Myspace.com. Keith Wilson (Club Moscow , Le Disko), Sean Patrick (Social Hollywood, The Bar), and Preston Gaspaar will host this all-out party.

But let me back up (loves saying that!) and tell you why Starry had to let off some steam. Just that morning she had gone to see a fan5astic movie whoze title she can’t mention (Starryz continuing legal izzues, sigh “;[). But she can say it was a number, and she won’t say what number, but it’s a GREAT price for a pair of bootz! Anyway, the movie was set in olden dayz when men were men and centaurs were nervous. Your Starrz was verrry pleased to discover that 290+ Chippendales saved civilization from the world’s most evil Gay Pride parade. Needless to say everybody in the damn thing was on the Atkins and all those six-paxxx made Starry thirsty!!!
»continue reading Calling All DJs @ Avalon

“It is so incredibly ’80’s in here!!!”

. . .is something Starry did not say the knight of February 21th, 2007. But it was, incredibly, 8:00pm as your Starriness stood outside freezing her buns off (which by the way look fabulous after six weeks of eating nothing but basil and steam.)

I know a lot of you are thinking, Starry what the hell are you doing showing up for anything before 4:15 am? Let me whip out my CrackBerry and regul8te:

Marie Claire Magazine Model Search Party

Wednesday Night @ Mood in Hollywood
Special Appearance by Beauty Editor: Didi Gluck

Yes, dear reader, that Didi Gluck. As in the Didi Gluck who predicted the must-have beauty product of 2004 was going to be “YSL Touche Eclat.” And what was your fashion-forward choice? I’m going to guess “toothpaste.” Starry was ready for any question Didi might ask. . .

D: What jeans are you wearing?
S: Paradise Eter9ity. Size fractal. $1,730 at Nordstrom.

D: Wow! They look great on you. You must hate eating!
S: Why aren’t we best friends?

D: Ha ha ha, soon! Tell us, Starry, what makes you so over the top???
S: Sweetheart. . .I’ve been over a lot of tops! What can I say? Rent’s on the first, chicos, make it LAA-aaast.

D: Ha ha ha etc. . .

Whew. It’s gonna be fresssssh. When it actually happens. Speaking of fresssssh, Starry makes an exception when those bad boyz write:
»continue reading Marie Claire in the Heezzee!!!

[Editor's Note: at Losanjealous we take your comments seriously. You wanted more coverage of corporate-sponsored events. And we heard you.

Starry comes to us with a great résumé, having written for a wide range of hip magazines and blogs including Vogue Falkland Islands and Teen Seventeen. She knows the biz backwards and forwards--but "mostly backwards" as she puts it.

So without further ado. . .heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Starry.]

HEY BITCHEZ! HA HA HA!

About me: Starry doesn’t party. Starry events. And for Starry to show up at your event it has to be two things: 1) off the hook and 2) on the house. When Losanjealous called me up I must admit I was a little hung-over (if there were ever two words to describe Starry it’s “hung” and “over”) but once they showed me their bulging inbox I knew I had come to the right place!!!
»continue reading Ducati 1098 in the Hizz!