Worst Derby Writeup Ever: LA Derby Dolls Championship @ the Doll Factory, 11/8/2008

For reasons too horrible to explicate, DF found himself stranded in Washington, DC this past Saturday eve when the Sirens faced off against the Tough Cookies for 2008 LA Derby Dolls supremacy. Herein lies the sad tale of a roller derby obsessive stuck three thousand miles from the action on the biggest night of the LADD year.

5.43pm. Northwest Washington, DC. Andrew Johnson Memorial Conference Room, Capitol Courtyard Marriott. It’s the final event of the compulsory annual conference of the National Association of Pencil Sharpener Salespersons (NAPSS), the trade association for DF’s chosen profession. The keynote speaker concludes: “Despite the economic downturn and slumping demand for our products, it is still possible to earn some money and also help others avoid pencil dullness with an enriching career in pencil sharpener sales.” A smattering of applause ensues, and the conference is at an end.

6.17pm. Martin Van Buren Memorial Auxiliary Room, Capitol Courtyard Marriott. The crowd mills about, cocktails in hand, discussing the just-concluded two-day NAPSS annual meeting. A colleague approaches me and asks, “DF, what pencils do you think work best with the X-150 sharpener?” “There’s a lot of debate about this,” I tell him, “But recent literature suggests the best answer is Dixon Ticonderoga.”

7.08pm. Corner of J Street and Connecticut Ave. DF samples some of DC’s world-class cuisine. “Do you want onions on these dogs?” the street-cart vendor asks me. “Sure,” I reply. Hey, it’s Saturday night—why not go nuts?

8.57pm. Room 651, Capitol Courtyard Marriott. The paradox of choice grips me as I am forced to choose between three equally compelling television programming options. Local division-two football (Howard versus Delaware State) and the infomercial for Malibu Pilates are both tempting, but I don’t regret opting for the titillating tropical grotesquerie of a CSI: Miami rerun from 2003.

9.38pm. “Phil O. Buster’s Lobby Bar”, Capitol Courtyard Marriott. I grab a beer and watch the final quarter of the Howard-Delaware State game (Del State’s Blue Hens are winning 43-12). The bartender asks, “You in town for the NAPSS meeting?” “Yeah,” I tell him.

11.01pm. Room 651, Capitol Courtyard Marriott. Time for sweet, sweet repose. As I drift off, it occurs to me that the LADD Championship is just starting out west. It’s going to be a slam-bang good time, but hey—what could have been better than the night I just had?

Photos and credits:

1. Titty Titty Bang Bang shows off her team’s new uniforms, which–based exclusively on photographic evidence rather than in-person observation–DF hereby declares adorable.

2. The Doll Factory looks pretty empty without DF, n’est-ce pas?

3. Axles of Evil and Mila Minute illustrate that Paul Stanley-esque eye makeup is the look of the derby season. No one told Punchy, it seems.

4. Apparently there’s a mural in the Doll Factory now. When the hell did this happen?

5. Proposition 1: Demolicious is alive. Proposition 2: Demo is Elvis. Necessary implication: Elvis is alive. Whoa. Additionally, Killo Kitty looks menacing, which is pretty much par for the course.

6. Krissy Krash savors all-American ejection.

7. V. Lee suffers the agony of defeat. Buck up, V–at least you got to go to the game.

8. Happy Cookies celebrate 2008 LADD Championship. Not pictured: DF.

Photos 1, 3-4, & 8 by Stalkerazzi; photos 2 & 5-7 by Rinkrat. All photos (C) 2008 by their respective authors. All rights reserved.