DF Issues Octo-pology (& Previews Derby Dolls Bout, Saturday 2/28/2009)

DF Issues Octo-pology (& Previews Derby Dolls Bout, Saturday 2/28/2009)

Dear Citizens of Losanjealous,

DF, acting on the advice of counsel as well as threats of some fairly serious physical violence from LaVerne Casagrande, would herein like to publicly correct some misstatements (rather, “egregious falsehoods”—ed.) that he has been spreading throughout Losanjealous regarding this weekend’s upcoming Derby Dolls bout.

derbydollboutflyerFirst, DF will not, despite earlier representations to the contrary, be attending aforementioned bout in the company of his hot new ladyfriend, Nadya “Octo-Mom” Suleman. Second, aforementioned “Octo-Mom” is not, also despite earlier representations to the contrary (and contrary also to the implications of the sentence immediately preceding), DF’s hot new ladyfriend. Third, and finally, DF’s assertions that Nadya Suleman will be skating in this weekend’s Derby Dolls bout under the skate name “Octopussy” were also, as it happens, entirely without factual support.

In my defense, I’d like to add that not everything I’ve been saying is false. First, DF really is suffering from a virtually incapacitating crush on the aforementioned celebro-freak flavor of the month (obv.—ed.). It is also true that there is going to be a ripping good roller derby bout this weekend, featuring the regular-season debut of not one but two teams, LA’s Varsity Brawlers and San Diego’s The Swarm. Tix were still available online as of writing, and you can check out a detailed preview starring SD’s Isabelle Ringer and LA’s Juana Beat’n here.

Yours in copious apologia,