DF Can’t Handle the Truth: A Visit to “Facts” Boutique, 3/20/2010
Above: “Facts” storefront, NE corner of M.L. King Blvd. & Figueroa St., Exposition Park, Los Anjealous, CA.
*Ring ring ring*
“Facts” employee: Hello, and thank you for calling “Facts” Boutique.
DF: Yes, hello, I’d like to purchase some facts, please.
FE: You’ve certainly called the right place. What are you in the market for?
DF: Gee, I don’t know. What do you have?
FE: Well, our premium facts are very popular. We have the true identity of JFK’s assassin, the existence and/or dangerousness of extra-terrestrials, and whether Gore would have won the 2000 election without the Palm Beach butterfly ballot.
FE: Yes, you’re right to be impressed. We are the premium fact dealer in the West Coast. As such, we vend only top-of-the-line material.
DF: How much would one of those babies run?
FE: Each goes for about $50,000.
DF: In this economy?!?
FE: The truth does not come cheaply, sir.
DF: All right, well, what about something more personal, just about me?
FE: Certainly, sir. In fact (no pun intended), we are running a special: You can get the date of your death, and its cause, for the price of just one fact.
DF: Ew–no thanks.
FE: Very well. We can also tell you how physically attractive you are.
FE: Here at “Facts”, we have devised an objective metric for measuring physical attractiveness, and can tell our clients where they fall on that metric. This special still costs $25,000, though.
DF: Oh hell no.
FE: Very well, sir. That’s probably a good move—from your voice, I’d say you’re no more than a 4.5 on a good day.
FE: The truth hurts, sir. That’s one of our mottoes here at “Facts”.
DF: I think your motto should be “You can’t handle the truth—and neither can your wallet!”
FE: That’s very amusing, sir.
DF: Well, what do you have that won’t break the bank?
FE (sighing deeply): For the client of modest means, we offer the “’Facts’ Boutique Grab-Bag”. For $50, we will give you three randomly selected facts from our bargain bin.
DF: All right, I’ll take it.
FE: Excellent, sir. Just a moment.
FE places DF on hold. The hold music features an instrumental arrangement of “Hold On,” by Wilson Phillips.
FE: All right, sir, here are your facts. First, prostitutes first became known as “hookers” when they were used frequently by randy Civil War general Joseph Hooker. The coastline of Norway is actually longer than that of the United States. And pro wrestling is real.
DF: Oh dammit, I knew that last one.
FE: Again, sir, the truth is not cheap. You get what you pay for.
DF hangs up.