5.55pm. Ring! Mmmyellow? No, escort service, I already told you I’ll be canceling that order for the two middle-aged, slightly chunky Malaysian sisters this evening. Yes, I realize that’s my Valentine’s Day weekend tradition, but this year I have kick-ass social plans instead. Wait, what’s so goddamned funny? Forget it, I’ve got to run. Click.

6.05pm. Well, Gentlemen’s Delight may not believe me, but Losanjealous readers know well that DF does indeed have plans for V-day weekend: an extra-special invite to the L.A. Derby Dolls bout between the Sirens and the Tough Cookies. Untold excitement awaits, and who knows, perhaps I can convince a lovely derby girl to be my bloody valentine!

6.43pm. As I stride through glorious Historic Filipinotown, I perform a mental check to assure that every sartorial and hygienic detail is in order. Powder-blue tuxedo? Check. Curly locks aqua-netted into the increasingly, if bafflingly, popular white-guy afro? Check. Binaca breath spray? Check. Additional Binaca breath spray? Check. Still more Binaca? Check and mate. I’m ready for action!
»continue reading Love & Bruises: L.A. Derby Dolls @ The Doll Factory, 2/16/08

One of our informants passes along the following end-of-week newsbit:

Splash - the hot tubs rental on the southeast corner of crescent heights and 3rd has been lights out for a couple weeks now but I noticed today a huge available sign draped across its front. This place has been around as long as I can remember (certainly since the 80’s). From what I understand it was a chlorine-smelling hooker bath for most of its years. I must have seen dozens upon dozens of Blind Date and Extreme Dating episodes that would end here. Seems kind of sad…

Ah, Splash! How I Always Looked At You, Shivered, Retched, Laughed And Felt Creepy Overall. Splash! How I Yearned For A Shower In Mine Own Home Every Time Didst Gaze At Thy Façade! Splash! How I Yearn Nonetheless For Thine Walls In Which To (Par)Take Neverending Parade of Hookers!

At the end of the day we are left wondering what could have possibly happened to Splash The Relaxation Spa. With reviews such as these…what went wrong?

(1)

So depressing. First, there is really no parking to be had. Second, the manager and the receptionist yelled at each other the first 10 minutes that we were there. They yelled about how much they disliked each other and thought that the other was an idiot — all the while keeping us waiting in the very odd upstairs waiting room. When we finally got to the room, The Monte Carlo, it was dark, wet and creepy. The aquarium had only one fish in it — a gross catfish like creature. So low rent that it wasn’t even fun. We got out of there fast and went home to shower.

(2)

Don’t be fooled into believing that this is a ritzy, epicurean spa where you go to relax in comfort and luxury. This is a low class, overpriced meeting place for those in search of a “good time.” The rooms are small, the showers are two-headed and there is a matress in every room!!! Hello??? …

(3)

This is the best place to go and get freaky or to simply hide out.

(source: citysearch)

Denizens! As promised, our Losanjealous Escort Service participants have written up last Saturday’s historic undertaking. To commemorate the ‘Day of Cupids Hearts and Shit Like That’, we now present both sides of the tale for your enjoyment.

Up to bat: PhotoJanitor tells his side of the tale……

Let’s back up a bit. From the initial posting on the site to the actual date, I had garnered some underground fame. Someone stopped me at the gym, having recognized my eyeless face. A friend of a friend asked Isn’t that [redacted]? Some homeless guy on the street looked into my car and asked for change and an autograph. It was a quite a trip for three days, though the zenith of this whole stunt was still to come.

Above: Escort and charge enjoy La Bodeguita De Pico (Credit: Losanjealous MustacheCam 8000)

I had made verbal contact with #2 and I made sure she wasn’t Karl Rove’s niece. Check. Actually, she sounded rather pleasant, which was a welcome respite from what I might have had to undergo had some of you’s gotten your way. We agreed to meet at the Little Wine Cellar and we were on our way.

From the first minute of our dinner at La Bodeguita, it was clear that it would be a harmonious evening in which conversation would flow and stories would be told.
»continue reading Point/Counterpoint: The Losanjealous Escort Service Recap: A Janitor’s Tale

Denizens! As promised, our Losanjealous Escort Service participants have written up last Saturday’s historic undertaking. To commemorate the ‘Day of Cupids Hearts and Shit Like That’, we now present both sides of the tale for your enjoyment.

First Up: Contestant #2 tells her side……

Above: Escort and charge enjoy La Bodeguita De Pico (Credit: Losanjealous MustacheCam 8000)

I must admit that, as shocked and humbled as I was to win, I expected to be much more nervous than I actually was, especially since I was a blind-date virgin. I attribute my composure, in part, to the fact that I knew what PSJ would look like, in part, whereas he had foolishly agreed to spend an entire evening with a potential ogress. As I conducted my pre-date primp, I felt pretty confident in knowing I would at least start out with points on the board, since there was a better-than-average chance that PSJ’s first impression would be something along the lines of, “thank God she’s got all 10 digits and a full set of teeth.”
»continue reading Point/Counterpoint: The Losanjealous Escort Service Recap: Number Two’s Tale

Denizens, the moment you’ve been waiting for has arrived. We have our three Escort Finalists for our Valentine’s giveaway, as chosen by Mailbot 6000’s patented Random Number Generator. All finalists were chosen from the emails sent to our designated contest email address over the last two days.

One of the finalists below will be escorted to La Bodeguita de Pico for dinner, followed by a concert this coming Saturday. Truly a night out on the town in style and, possibly, a Ford Escort. We now call upon you, the Losanjealous community of readers, to determine the fate of both the Photographer/Janitor Escort and his charge-to-be. Please, choose the winner for us.

Your votes are due no later than midnight tonight. There are two ways to vote:

1. Send your vote to our staff of volunteer counters at Losanjealove@losanjealous.com.
2. Submit your vote via the comment section below. It’s not confidential, but then, this isn’t exactly your typical polling place.

Without Further Ado….Let Us Meet Our Final Contestants:
»continue reading EscortWatch ‘07: Cast Your Vote Now!

As announced yesterday, Losanjealous is sending one lucky person out on the town this Saturday for food and indieröjc music.

Ladies. Ladies, Ladies. Today we’re proud to announce that you’ll be dining at none other than La Bodeguita de Pico, the new “buzzworthy” Cuban joint situated on Pico (where else!) - just across the street from Oki-Dog East.

La Bodeguita de Pico has been personally hand-and-foot-selected by the Losanjealous Board of Directors for its cavernous space, great live music, sumptuous food, auténtico Cuban vibe, Hemingway photos and abundant booze. Packed to the gills on weekends, La Bodeguita de Pico carries on the tradition of its flagship restaurant in Cuba. But why take our word for it? Let’s let the restaurant speak for itself…

On April of 1942 in Habana Vieja (Old Havana) Sr. Angel Martinez-Borroto opened a little bodega out of his home that he called, “La Bodeguita del Medio.”

A gifted storyteller and an extraordinary host, Sr. Martinez quickly turned his quaint little spot into the top destination of the most famous Cuban artists and musicians of that time. Cuba in its heyday was the go-to destination of the world’s rich and famous (many of whom you can find on our walls). From Errol Flynn to Ernest Hemingway, they all came to “La Bodeguita del Medio” to share a mojito and a laugh with Sr. Martinez and friends…

To this day, you can find “La B del M” all over the world, from Mexico to Spain, France to Venezuela, Guatemala to the United Arab Emirates. And now, Sr. Osvaldo Enriquez welcomes you to the first “La Bodeguita” that he can call his own. He and his family welcome you to “La Bodeguita de Pico”. Rich with the flavor and atmosphere of Cuba, we are certain that your dining experience at La Bodequita de Pico will be as “authentic” as if you were dining in Habana Vieja in 1942.

So come. Relax. Enjoy.

Critics Rave: “This would be a perfect place for a photographer/janitor to wine and dine one lucky lady before taking her to a gig” - S. Irene Virbila, LA Times (paraphrased)

Read the contest FAQ here. You have until 5pm today to enter!

To enter the contest, send an e-mail with your story to: Losanjealove@losanjealous.com.
Entrants must be over the age of 21 and not affiliated with Losanjealous.

This can be a tough time of year. Hallmark knows it. They’re milking it. But you’re not going to take it sitting down, goddammit. The Losanjealous Valentine’s Escort Service is here for you. Yes you! We want to send you out on the town this Saturday. Hell. You deserve it. We want to wine you. Dine you. Indieröjc you in inimitable style.

The Pitch
Ladies: Write a brief paragraph explaining why you deserve or need the food and rock services of a Losanjealous Escort this week. This can be a heartbreaking tale of staggering genius; this can be a tale of two cities. At the end of the day it needs to basically be a tale. We do not want your photograph. You will not be judged on your looks for the purposes of this contest. Hotties: You’re going to have to break out the wit. Is it a true tale? Is it a total bullshit tale? Ah who cares. Write a winning tale.

The Reason
Three finalists will be given the opportunity to vie for Saturday evening food and rock escort services provided by one of our staff photographers… pictured to the right.

The Judges
This may be the best part. The Losanjealous community of readers will determine who gets the services of the Losanjealous Escort for one night. Who does our escort wish to escort? Who cares!

The Timeline
This is a busy week, any way you slice it:

• We need your story no later than 5pm, Wednesday (2/7). Again: We do not want your photograph. Your good looks will not be taken into consideration.
• Finalist entries will be listed online Thursday morning.
• The Losanjealous community of readers will choose the winner’s story by EOD (midnight) Thursday.
• The winner will be announced Friday. Your escort to dinner and concert will take place this coming Saturday - so make sure you have the date available.
• Your escort may or may not pick you up in a Ford Escort.
• It will be entirely up to the two of you to determine if a Losanjealove Connection mandates a second date on Valentine’s Night itself.

Where will you eat? What show will you see?
We’re keeping those details under wraps for now (and not just to keep the stalkers at bay). We can tell you a few things at this point:

• The restaurant is top notch. The menu will not be comprised of dishes that can be acquired with an Abraham Lincoln.
• The concert is at a very respected, established indieröjc venue.
• You will not be seeing Bobby Brown in Anaheim.
• You will not be required to drive to Pomona and the Mountain Goats will not be playing.

Oh and Ladies: He Likes Long Walks On The Beach.

WRITE YOUR PITCH… ENTER THE COMPETITION… WIN THE LOSANJEALOUS ESCORT SERVICE… AND… WIN!

To enter the contest, send an e-mail with your story to: Losanjealove@losanjealous.com.