The History of the World According to DF:  An LADD Championship Preview (Swarm v. Tough Cookies, 12/4/2010)

The History of the World According to DF: An LADD Championship Preview (Swarm v. Tough Cookies, 12/4/2010)

Derby Championships Saturday 12/447 BC: Julius Caesar conquers Pharnaces II of Pontius at Zela, and famously observes, “Veni vidi vici,” which roughly translates to “I may have a douchebag haircut but I still kicked your asses, Turks.”

Ca. 1600 AD: the Renaissance happens. DF opines that the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel is pretty good but would have been better if God, as well as Adam, had been depicted butt-naked.

1783 AD: Cornwall surrenders, confirming Colonial victory in the Revolutionary War. Victorious Americans gloat, “What fools the English were to think they could defeat a guerrilla force in a hostile foreign country. We’ll never make that kind of military mistake!”

1987 AD: Reagan admonishes Gorbachev to “tear down this wall” while speaking to assembled masses at the Brandenburg Gate. Gorby then zings Reagan with the immortal rejoinder, “С сегодняшнего дня у посетителей нашего сайта появляется замечательная возможность поучаствовать в определении идеального состава «горняков» в летне-осенней части уходящего года!!!”

Yet all of these momentous events pale in comparison to what will, without a doubt, be the most earth-shatteringly significant event in the history of our world: the LA Derby Dolls 2010 Championship Bout between the Tough Cookies and the Swarm this Saturday, December 4. Oh, what’s that? You think I’m exaggerating? HOW DARE YOU FUCKIN’ SAY THAT!?!?!?

Ahem. Rather: Any objective observer would have to agree with DF’s assessment of the momentousness of the forthcoming LADD bout, for several reasons. It will cap a season that has seen much high-level, higher-drama competition, but has left just two teams with equally meritorious 3-1 records. The Tough Cookies went undefeated in the first half of 2010, but the Swarm grabbed late-season momentum with a heart-stopping win over the Cookies this past October. This set up a rematch of the 2009 Championship Bout, in which the Cookies beat the Swarm to grab a second consecutive LADD title.

The stage is set for an epic tussle (pulse-enhancing video preview of bout available here, btw). Will the Tough Cookies continue their dominance with a heretofore unheard-of three-peat? Will the Swarm get revenge for their Championship Bout defeat a year ago? Will DNA tests confirm or deny the swirling rumors that DF is the real father of Padma Lakshmi’s love child? [No sane person has ever even remotely thought this was true.—Ed.] Aaaaaah!! These questions are hard!! Stop asking me and just go to the damned bout already, will ya? And hurry your ass up. Tixes are available here, but the inside dope has it that they’ve already sold out VIP and that there are relatively few general admission spaces available. Come join DF, LADD, and all manner of merrie riff-raff as we make history this Sat eve. Until then, later skaters.

Image/credit: Jammin’ jammer STEFCON 1 skates for the two-time defending champeen Tough Cookies. Poster design by Tony Biner, photo by ShutterThug. All works of authorship (C) 2010 by LA Derby Dolls. All rights reserved.