Slay Belles Reign: LA Derby Dolls Championship Bout @ the Doll Factory (12/4/2010)
It’s the most wonderful time of the year, bitches! What, you think I’m talking about the onset of Christmas (and the current pendency of the fun Jewish holiday, “Chanookahah”)? Horseshit! The aforementioned seasonal wonderfulness is 100% due to the LA Derby Dolls Championship Bout, the rock-em, sock-em event in which we learn at long last which LADD squad will reign supreme as the queens of the 2010 roller derby scene.
Oh, and yeah, I suppose there’s Xmas as well, and I know you know this because Losanjealous readers far and wide have been peppering the site with emails seeking to figure out just what gift would be most apt to lavish DF come this Dec 25. [In fact, the only DF-related gift inquiries we received was a reader seeking to send him a steaming pile of yak feces.—Ed.]
But enough of that. DF has been looking forward to this eve’s Champs Bout ever since the fateful Oct night when ‘twas confirmed that the Swarm and Tough Cookies would once again square off for all the marbles (as they did in 2009, when the Cookies prevailed to earn their second consecutive LADD Championship). The anticipatory tension has been unbearable, so much so that the cobra-related shrieking night terrors that recently caused the other residents at the Downtown YMCA to lodge a formal noise complaint about me.
But like a child on Christmas morn, all the waiting was worth it, and now my sweet sweet reward is nigh. So many questions are about to be resolved! Will the Tough Cookies three-peat as LADD Champs? Will the Swarm get revenge for their defeat to the TCs in last year’s finale? JESUS CHRIST, HOW THE EFF WOULD I KNOW? DO I LOOK LIKE I CAN READ THE MOTHER-SHITTING FUTURE? Yikes, the old URRD (Unjustified Rage-Related Disorder) is really acting up. More aptly, let’s watch and see, and while the bout unfolds, DF will drop all-y’all a little hint or two about some stocking stuffers he might like to see.
Well, we’ve got a couple minutes before the bout kicks off, so here’s one DF gift idea: the shake weight! Yes, they make them for gents now, and while DF’s skillz in the onanistic arts are already at a high level, there’s always room for improvement.
Boom! Bout’s off, and first blood goes to the Swarm, as veteran jammers Kung Pow! Tina and Bonnie D. Stroir rack a pair apiece for an early San Diego lead. STEFCON 1 and Gori Spelling then turn the tables, throwing down a pair of monster jams to earn 17 points and forging a Cookies lead that will turn out surprisingly durable. Each team’s pack exhibits wily organization that keeps big jams to a minimum, but KPT busts out for 8, and Laguna nets 9 soon after, keeping the Cookies in the lead though the Swarm lie well within striking distance, trailing by just 28-32 as the quarter concludes.
Woof, the first-quarter action was fast and furious. Let’s turn the topic back to a fave subject matter: my gift list. If pressed, I guess I’d say DF would also like a pair of buttless chaps this Xmas. True that I’ve already got quite a few pair already, but you can never have too many buttless chapses, and they do tend to wear out very quickly given how vigorously and frequently I use them.
Screw that, second quarter’s on! BdS pops out of the pack for an early four-pointer to get the Swarm within single-digits, but after that, matters cool a bit as the respective packs do their dirty sinful business of squelching offensive forays. Perhaps as much as their more-heralded jammers, each of tonite’s squads owes its success to a well-drilled core of veteran blockers. Announcer Evil E scores nice wit points by referring to the Swarm’s highly cohesive blocker pack, headlined by, inter alia, Isabelle Ringer, Lemon Drop, and Slamurai, as “the Hive.” DF counter-retorts by terming the Cookies’ equally efficacious blocker pack featuring Krissy Krash, Venus de Maul’r, Titty Titty Bang Bang and others as the, uh…tightly packed … cellophane sleeve of … thin mints… Ah, fuck it. They rock, & I’ll leave it at that. Next.
The second quarter picks up a bit more with the seventh jam, as STEFCON continues to stamp her authority on the bout, lapping the pack twice and picking up nine points in the process. At 60-36, are the Cookies going to cruise to a victory? Heidi Evidence and Bonnie D. Stroir are all like, “Totally not,” as they each blow through the Cookie defense and collect ten points late in the quarter, turning a substantial TC lead into a narrow 63-59 margin for the two-time defending champs at half’s conclusion. Thirty minutes in the second half will determine the 2010 LADD champ, but before then there’s thirty minutes of halftime drinkin’ to be done.
Amid halftime repose, high in his media aerie above the Doll Fac, DF muses: What else may lucky readers purchase for him to honor Christ Jesus’ message of peace, spiritual generosity, and rampant, bloodthirsty material acquisitiveness? It’s de rigeur for public figures like DF to request world peace, but screw that—war rules, and it makes for great television. Hmm… Anything from SkyMall is always a big winner, whether a vaguely satanic-looking lawn elf, molded plastic dog igloo (not for a dog but for the inimitable hilarity of being able to say “dogloo”), or a vibrating massage seat cushion to rejuvenate and refresh my tired, tired buttocks. And if all that fails, just get me a fifth of Cointreau and a bottle of A1 Sauce, extra-hearty, so I can mix up my own personal cocktail, the “Chunder Bucket Deluxe.”
Enough of DF, if that’s possible. [It totally, totally is.—Ed.] Tis the outset of the second half, and the Cookies maintain a lead (albeit a narrow seven-point one) over the Swarm; what’s more, the Swarm have been weakened by the ejection of iconic jammer Kung Pow! Tina for penalty accumulation. The Swarm start the 3d quartile abuzz, though, and when O.B. Noxious (apparently no relation to British skater O.B. Haive) cracks the TC pack for a robust seven-pointer, the Swarm hover within a mere three points.
But then the Cookies kick matters into overdrive (though somewhat ironically, they do so in part by slowing down jams noticeably, a mysterious but effective strategic move that DF probably wouldn’t understand even if he weren’t deep into the Tecates at this point). Cookie vets Gori Spelling and STEFCON 1 each registering monster jams to take firm control of the bout. STEFCON punctuates the end of the quarter by thrice roaring through the Swarm pack with characteristic grace and ease, pushing the Cookie lead to 124-83, and bringing the three-peat within spittin’ distance.
DF gift list update! Please note: I had wanted Cirque Berzerk tix, but now that point’s good and moot, y’all, because for the second time this season and the third time overall, DF emerges victorious in the LADD raffle! DF’s secret of success? Well, first you gotta enter lots of raffles to practice and hone your skillz. But more than that, you gotta have lady luck on your side. For DF, lady luck is Long Island Lolita—I never buy raffle tix from anyone else, and the ree-wards are obvious.
Final quarter’s about to begin, and the Cookies’ lead is indeed massive, but hey—the Swarm led the Cookies by 40 the last time these teams tussled, and they only one that one in a last-jam squeaker, so it’s far from over yet. Within a few minutes, though, it’s obvious that no comeback will be happening tonight. Swarm stalwarts Anna Nutha Thang and Isabelle Ringer are ejected at the outset of the quarter, soon followed by fellow first-stringers Slamurai and Bonnie D. Stroir (as well as Cookies Krissy Krash and Iron Maiven, just for good measure). When Laguna Beyatch laps the depleted Swarm pack a couple times to collect nine points with only a few minutes to go, it appears that the jello is jigglin’ (and that’s a reference to Chick Hearn, not something pervy, so get yer minds out of the gutter, pervs).
There’s time yet for one final flourish, and who better than the bout’s top-scoring jammer to deliver it in the final moments of her team’s third consecutive championship season? In the final jam, STEFCON obliterates the pack so often DF gets whiplash just trying to watch. The crowd roars deliriously, and skaters begin celebrating on the infield, and when the smoke has cleared and the chaos recedes a bit, it’s finally official: the Tough Cookies have confirmed their third LA Derby Dolls Championship in a row with an emphatic 148-106 victory over the Swarm.
Well, the Cookies trifecta makes sense in context–it’s part of the Christmas story, people. You know, that Yuletide tune “We Three-peat of Orient Are” is all about the TC’s repeat feat. Plus, do you think it’s a coincidence that people all over Losanjealous are celebrating the season by baking Christmas cookies? Or that Scrooge in Dickens’ “A Christmas Carol” was visited by three scary, scary ghosts? And it ain’t denomination-specific, so don’t hit DF with that; LADD Champs is all part of the cycle of farewell and rebirth that’s part of the ancient celebration of the autumnal equinox. We crown a champeen in the Tough Cookies; give props to a valiant defeated foe in the Swarm; bid retirement-related farewell to some iconic skaters who will be greatly missed (Krissy Krash, Bonnie D. Stroir, and a bout earlier, Judy Gloom); and look forward to another inimitably delectable LADD season with de rigeur chillz, spillz, and thrillz as the Cookies go for a four-peat and the standard foes try like hell to stop them. Oh, it’s gonna be good. And so you know what? Eff all that bourgeois material-acquisition gift-list shite I was talking about above. All this delicious derby has left DF full of holiday joy (as well as of a truly heroic intake of Tecate), so my Xmas needs are thereby met and then some. Merry merry, y’all. See yiz in 2011.
Send DF comments and commendations, excisions and excrement via electronic mail at df at losanjealous dot com. You are also cordially invited to follow DF on twitter, where you can enjoy minute-by-minute updates regarding his gastrointestinal tribulations and his repeated failed attempts to pitch a reality TV show called “Dancing with the Biggest Loser.”
1. I wonder if Gori and Maiven get bored of hauling championship hardware around ye olde banked track?
2. Ooh, the Doll Fac looks spooky from this angle. In any event, hope you got tixes early, suckaz!
3. Swarm enjoy pre-game moment of serenity as some Bieberesque wee one belts out a frighteningly good national anthem.
4. Laguna Beyatch races with Lemon Drop.
5. Nothing I could say about this pic could improve on its obvious awesomeness.
6. Bonnie and Gori jostle in front of the pack.
7. Chaos reigns. Ain’t derby grand?
8. Nope, this ain’t a megachurch, it’s Demo presiding over the Championship trophy ceremony.
Photos 1-2, 4-5 by Stalkerazzi; photos 3, 8 by Mia More; photos 6-7 by Snap Shock. (C) 2010 LA Derby Dolls. All rights reserved.