Oh, hello there. At this time (4:36pm PST; 6:36pm CST; 12:36am January 1, 2009 GMT), the annual Losanjealous “BEST OF READER PICKS” polls have all been turned off. 2008 is done for. It is time for all humans – and robots – to stop voting and begin thinking about 2009. So what’s everybody doing tonight? I’m in New Orleans, people. I’ll be toasting 2009 a full two hours ahead of you. Assuming I survive the festivities, expect to see the official results of your 2008 polls surface on this space early next year.

Item: Back at HQ, intern “G” has apparently received a tip that some of you – no naming names here – may be plotting an alcohol-fueled run on the Hollywood sign this evening, with the hopes that we all wake ‘neath a great big LOSANJEALOUS hillside in 2009. Bully for you guys if you pull it off, but be warned: A few of those cameras actually work. Also, we’re not affiliated. On your own. Good luck.

Again I say: What’s everybody doing tonight? Talk to me. Have fun!

LOSANJEALOUS (Losanjealous):: The week begins. The economy is in the shitter, and Congress is flushing. Palin parties are being scheduled all over town for Thursday: Alaskan beer, Delaware lump crab dip for the crackers, shits and giggles all around. The University of Oklahoma remains undefeated. (Sorry USC.) The cards are being dealt in Commerce, the hybrid tomato vines show no sign of slowing their annual yield, the City of Industry now contains industries with an autumnal color palette. And over at some local music-and-culture blog by the name of Losanjealous, we take a look into the past – something we rarely do – and pull three dusty names from the vault, engage in conversation and, for lack of a more appropriate criminally overused phrase, play catchup. The names in question are:

• Mair
• NoSmell Bob
• Ron

The aforementioned names may ignite a smattering of recognition sparks for the longtime reader. But if you’ve been reading this website for less than a year, you likely have no idea who in the hell these people are and what their roles in the Losanjealous universe as we know it may be. Goddammit. It is my job to change all that this week. Stick around.

If you’re like me, Iron Maiden consumes your mind every April, never fail. The debut album Iron Maiden (Capitol; 1980) was released on April 11, 1980 – precisely eight years to the day before Seventh Son of a Seventh Son (Capitol; 1988) (a masterpiece) was released. Yes, like it or not, April is Iron Maiden month and the band does in fact provide the soundtrack for many a midnight-prepared tax return in forlorn H&R Block offices nationwide. Don’t take my word for it; ask your preparer.

And so it is that to celebrate tax day in a fashion your Maiden-appreciative preparer might admire, we proudly bring to the forefront select anecdotes from an historical record and treatise of sorts entitled Various Significant Dates in IRON MAIDEN History at this time. Have all applicable receipts at the ready, cue the Maiden album of your choice and enjoy.

82/05/10 - The Number Of The Beast b/w Remember Tomorrow single is released in the UK. It went top 20, and the video featured ballroom dancers waltzing merrily with ‘666′ on their backs. The big Eddie (the 12 foot tall one) made his first appearance on the Beast On The Road tour, but even though Eddie made an appearance in the video, he was edited out by MTV after viewers complained that he was scaring them too much.

82/09/21 - Dave Murray throws his guitar into the crowd at a free festival in Chicago, IL. Of course, he forgot to take his lead out, and it hit a guy in the back and it cost $50 to make sure he was okay.

More significant moments, plus ‘Every Band Who Has Opened For Iron Maiden’ after the jump… »continue reading Significant Moments in Iron Maiden History

As promised, we now catch up with our two blind daters – one year after we left them. Are they still together? Did the date change the course of their lives significantly? Are they single? Available? Lost In Your Eyes Just Like Debbie Gibson? Litigious? Dangerous? Read, reader, and discover within the answers to the questions that burn you now.

SARAH’S TALE
As I mentioned to Ryan, my life has changed very little in the past year, and although I can attribute almost none of those changes to my Losanjealous-sponsored date, I do have an appreciation for authentic Cuban plantains and an obsession with Swingers’s Rocket Shakes, neither of which existed beforehand.

NAME
Sarah

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
»continue reading Where Are They Now? A Look Back At The Losanjealous Escort Service (Concluded)

As promised, we now catch up with our two blind-daters, one year after we left them. Are they still together? Did the date change the course of their lives significantly? Are they single? Available? Wearing tight pants? And what does it matter if they are? Are tight pants bad for you, in the end? Read, reader, and discover within the answers to the questions that burn now within your brain.

NAME
Jeremy, a.k.a. Jeremy

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
»continue reading Where Are They Now? A Look Back At The Losanjealous Escort Service (Continued)

Where has the time gone? Valentine’s Day, cursed and blessed alike, is upon us yet again. One year ago we launched the Losanjeaous Escort Service, pairing two strangers and sending them into the heart of the city for Cuban food. Jeremy (the escort) and Sarah (his charge) were fortified with an open dinner tab at La Bodeguita de Pico, two tickets to Spaceland, $50 cash for incidentals and a strongly-worded suggestion to check out a dive bar called “The Cottage.” The night would prove to be a fateful one for both – that is, if you consider going for drinks at The Cottage fateful – but why listen to me? From Jeremy’s recap:

As we were talking someone surreptitiously sidled up to our table. She placed a blank white business card on the edge of our meal and ran out of the restaurant. I turned it over and it read simply “Losanjealous,” in plain black letters. We were tagged, were seen, were possibly being watched and had been/will be the entire night. Though we never quite reached paranoia levels, we were certainly mindful of the eyes that drifted towards us.

In the next few days we’ll be checking in with both Sarah and Jeremy to see just what they’ve been up to for the last 365 days and how their lives have changed as a result of that fated night. Stick around; this should be fun.

THE LOSANJEALOUS ESCORT SERVICE, 2007
» The contest is announced
» The details are solidified
» The finalists are presented
» The winner is chosen
» Sarah tells her tale
» Jeremy tells his tale

Holy sweetastic pants a’fancy. So many Dons this week. Friday! Will it be Don Giovanni at the LA Opera or Don Caballero in Long Beach? One’s an opera featuring a gigolo in fancy pants (see right); one’s a prog-rock outfit featuring odd time signatures, loops and sweaty fans. Don the appropriate attire, take the date to Don Antonio’s out west on Pico and choose the Don of your liking for the main event. Can’t decide which Don you should see? Flip a 1994 series $20 mexican peso in the air. Heads – Miguel Hidalgo, let’s pretend he’s Don somebody just for tonight – you go see Don Giovanni, what do you care.

I’m staring at my HDTV. He looks sexier than I do, but I know better: He’s had work done and one of his component inputs is fried (Y,Pr,Pb? I think it’s Pb. Also, who cares.)

Still and all, he is my television at the end of the day. He’s going to interview me now, briefly. Stay with me.

WH#########T Hello Who’s There.

Yes. Hello Television.

What is this dreck. Why are you recommending The LA Opera’s production of Don Giovanni to the reader? Are you even going to go see it?

I’m all about the music theatre. Not the lavish Andrew Lloyd Webber productions mind you, can’t stomach that bullshit. Pull my fucking hair out. But if something contains music I’d enjoy, I’d see it in a heartbeat. I bought tickets to Porgy and Bess at Dorothy Chandler this year and actually didn’t get the chance to see it. Found out I was going to be out of town so I offered the tickets to a friend. Look at this shit, here’s my order right here. They sold me $20 tix, they were running some promotion. My seats look unbelieveably shitty:
»continue reading In Which Ryan Waxes Dons Giovanni, Caballero, Music Theatre, Other Topicks To His Television