6.13pm. May 7, 2011. Along the 5, just south of the Losanjealous/OC border. DF may be a denizen of Losanjealous, but this does not mean he does not also love its feisty little brother to the south, good old Orange County. Why, OC has the perfect political climate for my radical conservative views; I once made Ayn Rand cry by calling her an “effeminate pinko” at a meeting of the John Birch Society down in Tustin. Way back in the ‘60s, the Laguna Beach “Greeter” beat me in 376 consecutive games of tic-tac-toe. When I get hungry, nothing quells my macho appetite like eating pound after pound of healthful sand straight off the Huntington Beach dunes. And what better way to show of my new, ultra-sexy breast implants and collagen-distended lips than strolling among the quality down at Fashion Island or South Coast Plaza?

But despite the beachy vibe and opulent splendor, something’s always seemed to be missing in OC. Let’s see… It’s not gated communities, or ersatz versions of Swiss Alpine peaks, or Humvees… I know! It’s banked-track roller derby. Indeed, it’s been nigh-on thirty years since derbyists contested a banked bout behind the Orange Curtain, but that’s all going to change, because tonight, for the first time in however many decades “thirty” comprises, the OC Rollergirls are bringing the banked track back, live and in full-contact, no-holds-barred style.

6.37pm. Anaheim, CA. Well, there is only one first time for getting to view a new derby venue, and DF’s eyes are devirginized upon walking into the Anaheim Convention Center Arena (ACCA), for there beckons the promised banked track in all its glory. When I first entered the Doll Factory, I wept. Tonight, upon first entering the ACCA and regarding the track in all its bankedness, I wept—in my pants. Damned incontinence. Should have worn those adult Depends undergarments (excuse: the local Rite-Aid was out of Depends in size XXXXXXXXXL).

6.56pm. Ahem. Some time later, DF re-enters the arena wearing one of his new pairs of pants (NB: I always include many backups). After this unfortunate delay, first jam’s nearly at hand, so let’s set the scene. The OC Rollergirls have subdivided themselves into two squads for their big banked-track debut: the Orange Whips (which reminds DF of unfathomably delicious Orange Julius—whatever happened to those?), and the Traffic Jammers (which reminds DF of unfathomably tedious traffic, obv.). Each side features a familiar face from the LA Derby Dolls—the Whips have former Tough Cookie Krissy Krash on their side, while the Jammers are anchored by former Siren PITA. Enough stage-settery. Let’s do this!

»continue reading The OCRG: Traffic Jammers v. Orange Whips @ Anaheim Convention Ctr Arena, 5/7/2011

June 12, 1972

A young, optimistic DF arrives, bright-eyed and hopeful, for his first visit to New York City. But immediately after alighting at Port Authority, he inadvertently jaywalks across Fifth Avenue and is retaliatorily kneed in the crotch by an outraged Bella Abzug. Hoping to dull the pain with a local delicacy, he purchases pepperoni pizza from a street vendor, only to have aforementioned piping-hot pizza permanently scorch off 78% of his taste buds. DF then seeks respite and/or succor on a peaceful bench in Central Park, but is set upon by a gang of rogue pigeons, who mug him and torment him with ceaseless coo-ing. These attempts to panhandle for bus fare the hell out of NYC cause DF to get arrested (and, astonishingly, re-kneed in the crotch by Bella Abzug), and eventually land him in Rikers Island for a solid three weeks.

Yeah, it didn’t go well. Since his ill-fated journey, a broken and morose DF has stayed far away from the NYC, but has long hoped to get revenge on his nemesis city. And tonight, the LA Derby Dolls have taken it upon themselves to avenge DF’s ill-treatment by the Big Apple by taking on New York’s Gotham Girls in a DF-inspired grudge match–

[DF, remember our discussion about utterly making shit up? And our little chat about libel? —ed.] Oh, all right, here’s the real story: the LA Derby Dolls have, in fact, thrown down the gauntlet vis-à-vis New York’s Gotham Girls in a cross-country battle royale, ’tis true. But the connection with DF’s dismal history with NY is a mere coincidence. Rather, ’twill be a contest for derby supremacy on many levels: East Coast v. West Coast. Flat track v. banked track. Biggie v. Tupac. Son of Sam v. Night Stalker. Jay-Z v. Katy Perry. Gritty realism v. sunny optimism. False dichotomies versus … ah, shit, let’s just check the bout.
»continue reading East Coast/West Coast Throwdown: LA Ri-ettes v. Gotham Girls All-stars @ the Doll Factory, 2/26/2011

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, bitches! What, you think I’m talking about the onset of Christmas (and the current pendency of the fun Jewish holiday, “Chanookahah”)? Horseshit! The aforementioned seasonal wonderfulness is 100% due to the LA Derby Dolls Championship Bout, the rock-em, sock-em event in which we learn at long last which LADD squad will reign supreme as the queens of the 2010 roller derby scene.

Oh, and yeah, I suppose there’s Xmas as well, and I know you know this because Losanjealous readers far and wide have been peppering the site with emails seeking to figure out just what gift would be most apt to lavish DF come this Dec 25. [In fact, the only DF-related gift inquiries we received was a reader seeking to send him a steaming pile of yak feces.—Ed.]

But enough of that. DF has been looking forward to this eve’s Champs Bout ever since the fateful Oct night when ‘twas confirmed that the Swarm and Tough Cookies would once again square off for all the marbles (as they did in 2009, when the Cookies prevailed to earn their second consecutive LADD Championship). The anticipatory tension has been unbearable, so much so that the cobra-related shrieking night terrors that recently caused the other residents at the Downtown YMCA to lodge a formal noise complaint about me.

But like a child on Christmas morn, all the waiting was worth it, and now my sweet sweet reward is nigh. So many questions are about to be resolved! Will the Tough Cookies three-peat as LADD Champs? Will the Swarm get revenge for their defeat to the TCs in last year’s finale? JESUS CHRIST, HOW THE EFF WOULD I KNOW? DO I LOOK LIKE I CAN READ THE MOTHER-SHITTING FUTURE? Yikes, the old URRD (Unjustified Rage-Related Disorder) is really acting up. More aptly, let’s watch and see, and while the bout unfolds, DF will drop all-y’all a little hint or two about some stocking stuffers he might like to see.

»continue reading Slay Belles Reign: LA Derby Dolls Championship Bout @ the Doll Factory (12/4/2010)

Political acumen. DF has it. Whether showing up at a Tea Party rally clad only in my American-flag codpiece, schmoozing and floozing with my politico buddies up in Sacramento, or simply shouting “USA!! USA!!” at unexpected moments throughout the day, DF is a one-man political juggernaut. And after sifting through the aftermath of last week’s momentous midterms, I hereby proffer the following analytical insights for your cognitive pleasure.

DE-SEN: Tea Party starlita Christine O’Donnell goes down in flames to some extremely bald guy. DF concludes that this cherub-cheeked Palin knockoff lost because she flip-flopped on the witch issue, thereby losing the vote of Delaware’s 17 Wiccans (which represents 23% of the state’s total population).

NV-SEN: Names were the game in this election night squeaker. The not-so-subtle racial intimations of Sharron Angle’s moniker garnered her a large percentage of the Anglo-Saxon vote, but she was done in by confused but substantial constituencies in Sin City and the brothel industry who mistakenly believed they were casting ballots for vintage pornographic actor Harry Reems.

CA-PROP: Proposition 19 failed by a wide margin thanks largely to older voters who want to make sure that their kids get to enjoy the frisson of illegality that made weed so tantalizing for them a generation ago. Studies indicate that the proposition’s failure will have devastating results—Californians will have 0.000001% less access to marijuana than they would have if it had passed.

SUMMARY: Winners last Tuesday nite include the GOP, tricorn hats, and hysterical but unspecified rage. Losers include Dems, “the Government,” and any chance of legislation happening in Washington for the next several years.

But whether you’re despondent over the Democrats’ trip to the abattoir or thrilled at the prospect of a government-hating government, your response should be the same: Commiserate/celebrate this weekend in the company of the delectably fierce LA Derby Dolls. The action will be as intense as a Senate Judiciary Committee hearing, but the principals will be much easier on the eyeballs than your Pat Leahys and Jeff Sessionseses.

Specifically, the Varsity Brawlers will face off against the Fight Crew this Saturday, November 13, in a bout of such internecine intensity it will make the angriest Tea-Partyist look coolly rational by comparison. Check out the typically emocionante bout-preview vid here. And for those of you who can’t get enough derby (if such a thing is even possible), there is also an all-ages Babydoll Brawl on Sunday, November 14, betwixt fresh-meat skaters looking to book spots in the regular LADD rotation. (& you can meet the fresh meat here.) So double down on derby this weekend with DF and the Dolls, y’all. Tixes are available here. Be there or prepare to have your ass voted out of office!

Art by Pushy Whipped. (C) 2010 by LA Derby Dolls. All rights reserved.

Celebrity. DF has it. And while the hoi polloi typically regard my famousness with the kind of gape-mouth adulation that one normally sees from starstruck teens at a Justin Bieberlake concert, being a public figure ain’t all free A1 sauce and gratuitous shoulder massages. For example, DF receives literally tons of fan mail, of both the snail- and e-variety, in any given month. [This is true only if you define Viagra-related spam and entreaties from expatriated Nigerian princes as fan mail.—Ed.] And this past Saturday eve, I finally did my readers the inimitably gracious favor of returning the crème de la crème of this fanmail, whilst also covering the very fine and compelling LA Derby Dolls bout ‘twixt the Fight Crew and Sireens. An impossible test of literary versatility? Posh. Behold:

Damn, it’s hot in this-here Doll Fac, from track-level all the way up to the media aerie that is the DF HQ. Arrival well before bout start time allows me to start getting to these fan-letter responses. Why, here’s one now: DF, how long have you been covering derby? Sheeit, fool—DF’s been writing about derby since Methuselah was clean-shaven. Compared to the length of DF’s derby-coverage stint, “Benjamin Button” seemed short (though not, obviously, entertaining). Hell, when DF started covering derby long ago, the Cookies were doormats and the Fight Crew was dominant.

Yes, you heard right: that’s the selfsame Fight Crew that will be facing off with the Sirens in tonight’s steamy, dreamy Doll Factoire. In point of fact, both of these teams have lustrous pasts (FC were 2006 LADD champs, Sirens won it all in ’07), but tonight they fight for survival. Bottom line: The winner of this bout stays alive for the 2010 Championship, loser is eliminated. Just like Yanks/Sox or Coyote/Roadrunner, this is a classic rivalry regardless of the stakes, but this eve the tang of desperation adds a special sauce that will make it extra-delectable.

»continue reading Rocktoberfest: Fight Crew v. Sirens @ the Doll Factory, 10/2/2010

SETTING
Piggie’s Charbroiled
4601 W Rosecrans Ave
Hawthorne, CA

SOUNDTRACK
Flaming Lips
Oh My Gawd!!!…The Flaming Lips
6 Jan 1987 (Restless)

LOCAL TIME
1pm PST
29 December 2009

Sun streams harshly through the window here in Hawthorne, right onto the table, right onto the plate before me. $4.19 for the “large” because, yeah, I’m feeling In Charge. Take seat next to corner booth inhabited by three of Hawthorne’s Finest: One on duty with talkie dialed low, two off-duty in Sunday civvies. All three grousing about the job and casting the occasional wary eye my way. I’m just eating chili fries, boys; rest assured I bitch about my job just as much as you, end of day. One Decade!!! A full decade in Los Angeles. How in the hell have I pulled it off, exactly? How have I survived!? Why did I stay!? What kept me!? How Have I Changed Los Angeles For The Better, and, How Has She Changed Me? Sunlight streams onto the plate harshly still and I ponder various chili-coated plates that have confronted me over the course of the last decade, here in smog central. This one’s harmless when stacked ‘gainst the past, to be sure; still, no easy lunch, this. I throw down the fork, douse the pepper’s heat with a swig of ice water and hit the sidewalk. Inhaling, it hits me like a flash of lightning: It is good to be here, Los Angeles right now on this 29th of December 2009 Anno Domini. I gulp the air, form fists triumphantly and shout to no-one, “Oh My Gawd!!!”

This Has Been

The Last Chili Cheese Fries of the Decade

OR HAS IT???

OH MY GAWD!!!…

 

Be sure to check back in 2010 when Ryan live-blogs his seventh (7th) angioplasty! -ed

How time flies. Just last week Jason Bentley, KCRW (89.9 FM Santa Monica; 89.3 KCRI Indio/Palm Springs; 89.1 KCRU in Oxnard/Ventura, and 88.1 KCRY in the Antelope Valley) Music Director and host of the popular post-NPR program Morning Becomes Eclectic, completed his first full year in his new role. I spoke with Jason at a coffee shop last year in Venice, right before the torch was passed, and admittedly no small part of me is left wondering just what in the hell I personally have completed in those 365 days, by comparison. He’s still got nine years left to champion Nic Harcout’s run. Think he’ll be around that long? He’ll have a new boss for year two; Ruth Seymour is leaving at the end of February. Here’s his top 10 album list for 2008 (before helming the entire station) and here’s his list for 2009 (with applicable Music Director title). And though I’ve personally listened to terrestrial radio far fewer hours this year than any other year in history, all told I think he’s doing a pretty bang-up job. But enough about me – what are your thoughts?

» Jason Bentley’s Top Five Condiments (KCRW)
» Getting To Know Jason Bentley, Your New KCRW Music Director
» Follow Jason Bentley on Twitter

In tribute to their closing–yes, we know they say they’ll be back, but who knows–Losanjealous is proud to present a compilation of all four three [Secret Machines & The Dears were the same show--Ed.] awesome shows the Key Club hosted which Sung covered over the years. We’ll have more about this forthcoming Rolling Stone restaurant at Hollywood & Highland once we get a look at their appetizer menu but let us just say they have a long way to go to replace the Key Club in our hearts.
 

Secret Machines, October 30, 2008	The Dears, October 30, 2008
The Fratellis, June 18, 2008	Jet, July 20, 2009

Oh, hello there. At this time (4:36pm PST; 6:36pm CST; 12:36am January 1, 2009 GMT), the annual Losanjealous “BEST OF READER PICKS” polls have all been turned off. 2008 is done for. It is time for all humans – and robots – to stop voting and begin thinking about 2009. So what’s everybody doing tonight? I’m in New Orleans, people. I’ll be toasting 2009 a full two hours ahead of you. Assuming I survive the festivities, expect to see the official results of your 2008 polls surface on this space early next year.

Item: Back at HQ, intern “G” has apparently received a tip that some of you – no naming names here – may be plotting an alcohol-fueled run on the Hollywood sign this evening, with the hopes that we all wake ‘neath a great big LOSANJEALOUS hillside in 2009. Bully for you guys if you pull it off, but be warned: A few of those cameras actually work. Also, we’re not affiliated. On your own. Good luck.

Again I say: What’s everybody doing tonight? Talk to me. Have fun!

LOSANJEALOUS (Losanjealous):: The week begins. The economy is in the shitter, and Congress is flushing. Palin parties are being scheduled all over town for Thursday: Alaskan beer, Delaware lump crab dip for the crackers, shits and giggles all around. The University of Oklahoma remains undefeated. (Sorry USC.) The cards are being dealt in Commerce, the hybrid tomato vines show no sign of slowing their annual yield, the City of Industry now contains industries with an autumnal color palette. And over at some local music-and-culture blog by the name of Losanjealous, we take a look into the past – something we rarely do – and pull three dusty names from the vault, engage in conversation and, for lack of a more appropriate criminally overused phrase, play catchup. The names in question are:

• Mair
• NoSmell Bob
• Ron

The aforementioned names may ignite a smattering of recognition sparks for the longtime reader. But if you’ve been reading this website for less than a year, you likely have no idea who in the hell these people are and what their roles in the Losanjealous universe as we know it may be. Goddammit. It is my job to change all that this week. Stick around.

If you’re like me, Iron Maiden consumes your mind every April, never fail. The debut album Iron Maiden (Capitol; 1980) was released on April 11, 1980 – precisely eight years to the day before Seventh Son of a Seventh Son (Capitol; 1988) (a masterpiece) was released. Yes, like it or not, April is Iron Maiden month and the band does in fact provide the soundtrack for many a midnight-prepared tax return in forlorn H&R Block offices nationwide. Don’t take my word for it; ask your preparer.

And so it is that to celebrate tax day in a fashion your Maiden-appreciative preparer might admire, we proudly bring to the forefront select anecdotes from an historical record and treatise of sorts entitled Various Significant Dates in IRON MAIDEN History at this time. Have all applicable receipts at the ready, cue the Maiden album of your choice and enjoy.

82/05/10 - The Number Of The Beast b/w Remember Tomorrow single is released in the UK. It went top 20, and the video featured ballroom dancers waltzing merrily with ’666′ on their backs. The big Eddie (the 12 foot tall one) made his first appearance on the Beast On The Road tour, but even though Eddie made an appearance in the video, he was edited out by MTV after viewers complained that he was scaring them too much.

82/09/21 - Dave Murray throws his guitar into the crowd at a free festival in Chicago, IL. Of course, he forgot to take his lead out, and it hit a guy in the back and it cost $50 to make sure he was okay.

More significant moments, plus ‘Every Band Who Has Opened For Iron Maiden’ after the jump… »continue reading Significant Moments in Iron Maiden History

As promised, we now catch up with our two blind daters – one year after we left them. Are they still together? Did the date change the course of their lives significantly? Are they single? Available? Lost In Your Eyes Just Like Debbie Gibson? Litigious? Dangerous? Read, reader, and discover within the answers to the questions that burn you now.

SARAH’S TALE
As I mentioned to Ryan, my life has changed very little in the past year, and although I can attribute almost none of those changes to my Losanjealous-sponsored date, I do have an appreciation for authentic Cuban plantains and an obsession with Swingers’s Rocket Shakes, neither of which existed beforehand.

NAME
Sarah

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
»continue reading Where Are They Now? A Look Back At The Losanjealous Escort Service (Concluded)

As promised, we now catch up with our two blind-daters, one year after we left them. Are they still together? Did the date change the course of their lives significantly? Are they single? Available? Wearing tight pants? And what does it matter if they are? Are tight pants bad for you, in the end? Read, reader, and discover within the answers to the questions that burn now within your brain.

NAME
Jeremy, a.k.a. Jeremy

RELATIONSHIP STATUS
»continue reading Where Are They Now? A Look Back At The Losanjealous Escort Service (Continued)

Where has the time gone? Valentine’s Day, cursed and blessed alike, is upon us yet again. One year ago we launched the Losanjeaous Escort Service, pairing two strangers and sending them into the heart of the city for Cuban food. Jeremy (the escort) and Sarah (his charge) were fortified with an open dinner tab at La Bodeguita de Pico, two tickets to Spaceland, $50 cash for incidentals and a strongly-worded suggestion to check out a dive bar called “The Cottage.” The night would prove to be a fateful one for both – that is, if you consider going for drinks at The Cottage fateful – but why listen to me? From Jeremy’s recap:

As we were talking someone surreptitiously sidled up to our table. She placed a blank white business card on the edge of our meal and ran out of the restaurant. I turned it over and it read simply “Losanjealous,” in plain black letters. We were tagged, were seen, were possibly being watched and had been/will be the entire night. Though we never quite reached paranoia levels, we were certainly mindful of the eyes that drifted towards us.

In the next few days we’ll be checking in with both Sarah and Jeremy to see just what they’ve been up to for the last 365 days and how their lives have changed as a result of that fated night. Stick around; this should be fun.

THE LOSANJEALOUS ESCORT SERVICE, 2007
» The contest is announced
» The details are solidified
» The finalists are presented
» The winner is chosen
» Sarah tells her tale
» Jeremy tells his tale

This Has Been A Look At The Hard Liquor Selection Available At Spaceland, 2004.
After the jump: Special Bonus Spaceland counter photos . . . »continue reading And Now, A Look At The Hard Liquor Selection Available At Spaceland, 2004