April Foolishness: an LADD Preview (Cookies v. Brawlers, 4/2/2011)
APRIL MOTHER-SHITTING FOOOOOOOL’S, FOOLS! HA! Did I surprise you? No? Well, I surprised myself with all the yelling, so much so, apparently, that I lost all bladder control. Although, to be fair, continence has never been DF’s strong suit. But you know what is DF’s strong suit? I mean, besides soiling myself. Yes, you guessed it—playing awesome jokes on people to celebrate April Fool’s Day! Why, here are some of my fave-rave examples.
When I was just a wee lad, I surprised my enfeebled, elderly next-door neighbor Old Jim by jumping out of a shrubbery on April Fool’s morn and yelling “Boo” as he got his morning paper. Then Old Jim gave as good as he got, falling over and pretending to die of a heart attack. He was so committed to the joke that he even held a fake funeral and burial for himself the next week, with all his family there weeping and crying! Now that I think of it, I never really saw Old Jim after that. Oh, he was a card.
And what better time for spring pranks than the halcyon college days? I am a proud graduate of Fontana University, and in my freshman year, I established myself as a prankster extraordinaire even before April Fool’s Day rolled around when I greased up all the footballs used by the ol’ FU pigskin squad before our big rivalry game with Riverside State. Our QB didn’t complete a pass the entire time, and we lost 65-0! The football team really loved my joke, so much that I had a wedgie for more or less all of my first year. And sophomore, and junior, and senior years too, come to think of it.
And back when I worked for American Pencil Sharpener Co. for all those years, we really cut up when April Fool’s rolled around. Why, one time my co-workers arranged for a policeman to show up at work and tell me that my home had burned down and all my loved ones were dead. Turns out–they weren’t! It was all a big gag! Oh, I laughed til I cried! Or at least, I recall crying a lot. Then I pranked those zany co-workers right back by slashing the tires of their cars in the employee parking lot. The joke was that they had to get their cars towed … and then buy new tires! One of them said to me after it all went down, “I’m seriously going to kill you, DF. This is not a joke.” How I guffawed and guffawed at his light-hearted japery; truly, my stomach was sore from laughing! What a merrie time we all had.
So as you can tell, April Fool’s Day is one of DF’s most beloved, coveted days of the year, even more cherished than Arbor Day, or possibly even the day McDonald’s annually re-releases the McRib. But there is one thing happening during this season of foolishness that is dead-ass serious: it’s an old-skool throwdown between the Tough Cookies and the Varsity Brawlers this Saturday, April 2 at the Doll Factory. By now, any bout involving the Cookies is essentially a grudge match—hell, as the three-time defending champs, they’re like the Yankees of LA roller derby, except without the tight pinstriped knickers. And DF is staunchly non-partisan, but in his opinion, the Varsity Brawlers have enough fight in them that they just might make the Cookies crumble. Don’t believe me? Check out this adorable, yet hilarious video as proof:
That one really made me laugh my ass off. Seriously: I am now assless. Anyone know where I can get an ass replacement? But even more seriously, this weekend’s Brawlers/Cookies tilt is going to go off hard-core, and I am not engaging in foolishness, April or otherwise, when I say that it’s going to be epic. So get your tixes here, and be there at the Doll Fac this Saturday, mo-fos–no joke!
Corrections, emendations, et cetera may be directed to DF at Losanjealous dot com. DF sometimes remembers that he has a Twitter account. But only sometimes.
Poster art by Pushy Whipped; (C) 2011 by LA Derby Dolls. All rights reserved.