The Hunger Bout:  DF exposes Hollywood lies & previews LADD matchup (Brawlers v. Cookies, Sat. April 28 @ the Doll Fac)

The Hunger Bout: DF exposes Hollywood lies & previews LADD matchup (Brawlers v. Cookies, Sat. April 28 @ the Doll Fac)

LADD April 28, 2012

Stop the presses! Stop those presses, sez I!!! EM-EFFING STOP THEM RIGHT GODDAMNED NOW!!! [Breathless, air-sucking pause.] Enormous, shocking news has been unearthed by DF’s tireless journalistic efforts: You may have heard of an obscure book and a related, low-budget indie film called “The Hunger Games.” It features the delightful story of a band of merrie children who are conscripted in a futuristic hellscape to murder each other for public sport.

Well, I’m here to tell you the shocking news that the “Hunger Games” is NOT REAL! That’s right, I’m sure all of you (like DF) assumed that the book was a real-world expose, set in some actual, earthly hellscape like Turkmenistan or New Jersey, and that the film was a documentary reporting on these disturbing yet also very entertaining goings-on. But the author and production company pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes, and DF is speaking truth to power by exposing another bald-faced content industry LIE!!!! [In fact, the Hunger Games book and film were unambiguously billed as fictional, and were well understood as such by all but our well-meaning but slightly slow-on-the-uptake in-house roller derby correspondent.—ed.]

Now as you’re digesting this enormous news, you like me may find it disappointing, and wonder what could possibly substitute for getting to see live and in person adolescent bloodsport? Well, fortunately there’s an answer, Losanj readers, and it’s ROLLER DERBY. In fact, there are many reasons that roller derby is actually better than a real-life Hunger Games. DF submits for your considerazione:

First: no one actually dies in roller derby. Sure, el derby has more than its fair share of violence, but it’s of the sanctioned, sport-legal sort, and thus represents the best of both worlds. You get to cheer for the hip-checks and the badass blocks and whatnot, but at the end of the day everyone nurses their dings and lives to fight another day. And isn’t that really better than outright mortal slaughter? (NB: If your answer to that question was “no”, then perhaps consider whether you’re a psychopath who’d be well suited for voluntary civil commitment.)

Second: no dudes in derby!! Let’s be honest, folks—the reason HG is so compelling (for us Y-chromosome fans, anyway) is that there are hot women engaging in the ultra-violence. Well, not only are there chicas calientes doing the derby, it’s an all-girl spectacle, with no sweaty beefcake to dilute the appeal. (Though for ladies—or anyone—interested in the sweaty beefcake, let me hereby note the existence of a nascent MEN’S derby league right here in LA town, the Drive-By City Rollers.)

Finally: derby’s real as real can be. DF was stung by the deceptiveness of the makers of the Hunger Games, pitching it as an actual thing that totally exists and all. [Again, we all (but DF) realize this is totally false. Please do not sue us, o wealthy and scary content owners. Or, equally good, just sue DF.—ed.] While earlier variants of derby may have been invented, this is not the case with the contemporary version of derby. All hits delivered, points scored, and thighs contused are 100% actual, which is after all part of the sport’s awesomeness.

And best of all, if this revelation about the falseness of the Hunger Games franchise has you reeling, not sure what to believe or who to trust, you can not only turn to derby to renew your faith, but you can do it THIS VERY WEEKEND. Yes, that’s right, folks, there are still some (though few and getting fewer) tixes available for this weekend’s bout ‘tween the Tough Cookies (3x LADD Champeen, yet coming off a hard 2011 season and hoping to rebound), and the Varsity Brawlers (ever-scrappy and looking to continue their slow but steady push toward the zenith of the LADD standings). Check out this mouth-watering promo for even more bout-related info and general hype-upping.

(And, while you’re at it, perhaps also check out Evil E’s video recap of the first home LADD game of the season, wherein las Sirens defeated the Fight Crew by the heartie score of 210-67.)

The action goes down this Sat eve at the Doll Factory in historic and delectable Historic Filipinotown. Doors at 6pm. Skater intros at 7.45pm. Tix available here, and possibly but not necessarily also at the door, so get there early and often, and let the unvarnished veracity that is LADD roller derby cleanse you of the deceptive double-dealing of the Hollyweirdness that surrounds us. Yours in derby luv, DF.