Congratulations to the cities of Allen and Frisco, Texas, both of which opened the doors of their very own In-N-Out Burger on this day. It is with this news and the spirit of benevolence that we now offer tips to all flesh-eating denizens of the Lone Star State.

Now Texans, we have little doubt you’ve been inundated with tips from former Californians prior to ingesting your virgin Double Double and never-frozen side of fries. Further, a quick Google has likely yielded photos of 100×100 troughs and an abundance of those not-so-secret “secret” menu items. Maybe even some ambiguous “burger coin” chatter? Still, chances are high that you have yet been tipped to the Secret Secret In-N-Out Menu. And given that likelihood, here it is again as scribed in its original glory by Victor circa 2006 and revisited now, today, for you, May 11, 2011, Year of our Texas Burger. Here we go:

While we mourn the recent passing of the matriarch of the In-N-Out empire, we can use the occasion to exclusively reveal the Secret Secret In-N-Out Menu without fear of reprisal. Wander into your favorite In-N-Out and ask for any one of the below items. If the cashier pretends to not know what you are talking about, give them a knowing look in the eye and little nod so they’ll know you’re cool and hook you up.

The Cold Karl – A generous dollop of chocolate shake ice cream coiled atop an open-faced pair of buns.

The Monet – An inverted paper employee hat filled with 32 oz. of burger dressing, topped with pickles floated on the surface.
»continue reading The In-N-Out Secret Secret Menu, Revisited For Texas: North Texas Gets Two Inaugural In-N-Out Burger Locations Today

Victor, Sung and I were shooting the shit at the Yanks/Dodgers game last Sunday during a marathon trek to the garlic fry stand when Sung suddenly says to me, “Hey what’s the song of the summer this year?”

It got me thinking. And what I was thinking is that I have no fucking idea. Right now I’m listening to an unhealthy amount of Shade 45 Sirius radio, and based on that channel’s sample size of one the song of the summer is either “Power” by Kanye/Dwele, “Not Afraid” by Eminem, or “There Goes My Baby” by Usher. That, or it may very well be “Say Ladeo” by Bobby McFerrin, which Bubba Jackson has been playing on a nearly-daily basis every morning over at KJAZZ, hell of a song. But what the fuck do I know.

Sung’s picks, likely much more logical and applicable to our reader base, can be found right here. What are your picks? Please, lay it on us in the comment section.

Summer ’09:

One song clearly transcended the pack. No matter where you were or what you were doing, chances are very high you heard this song sooner or later. It gobbled up radio time. Television time. Ended up on the decks at the clubs and the poolside Bar-B-Qs. Piped its way into the dressing rooms at Ross Dress For Less, helped you choose wine while shopping at Vons and was used liberally for car speaker testing material down the way at Best Buy. Filled your head. Got you moving. You literally could not escape it. Mayhap you hate it now, or pretend to, but the fact remains that it’s very likely that you loved this song at one point. Prior reader guesses have all been taken with some merit, sure, but the Song of the Summer, 2009 (SOSD ’09) has not yet been mentioned by name. Said song contains but eight letters:

» Ask Losanjealous: What’s the Song of the Summer, 2009?

Every now and again people turn to us for advice:

dear losanjealous,

i am writing to ask your help in identifying the song of the summer, 2009.

do we give it to “she wolf”?

i feel like throwing in the towel.

thanks in advance,
eric

Lupine-themed songs and performers peaked mid-February 2007, Eric. Return to the site next Tuesday (that’s your Labor Day Week Monday) for your answer. Meantime: readers, feel free to postulate and throw your own submissions into the comment section (but please, don’t make me flesh out a voting poll).

A few weeks ago on this site, a self-styled “gonzo journalist” named DF wrote a feature about his experience at the all-you-can-eat pavilion (AYCEP) at Dodger Stadium. DF seems to think it there’s something amusing about seeing how many hot dogs he can cram down during a single baseball game.
»continue reading DF Visits All-You-Can-Eat Pavilion @ Dodger Stadium: A Reader Responds

Some time ago, we promised Losanjealous readers that if they sent in their desperate requests for advice, somewhere, somehow, one of the L.A. Derby Dolls would answer them. In the intervening weeks, LADD’s Markie D. Sod has been cogitating carefully about your inquiries, and we now present the choicest questions/answers for your reading pleasure.

Dear Derby Doll,

I have a great relationship with my boyfriend, and we’ve talked about getting married, but there’s one catch. I’m a very petite woman and my boyfriend loves—as he puts it—“a whole lotta ass”. He’s said that if he is going to spend the rest of his life with one girl, she’s got to have a big booty. So he’s said that he’ll propose to me only if I get silicone implants in my butt. He’s willing to pay for them, but I’m a little hesitant about altering my body like that, even if it is for the love of my life. What do you think I should do?

—Ann in Pacoima
»continue reading Ask A Derby Doll: Markie D. Sod Responds

Losanjealous readers often write to DF with painful and difficult problems in their personal lives. “Should I stay with my spouse?” “Will I ever be happy?” “Is my life worth living?” My answer to all of these queries is simple: obviously not. Well, after much unpleasantness, including a couple really nasty wrongful death lawsuits, I’ve come to realize that perhaps DF’s unflinching-honesty-for-the-masses approach does not make him the best font of wisdom.

“My God,” you’re doubtlessly wondering, “Who then will we contact when we need to know how to conduct our lives?” This is a legitimate concern, but fear not: after extensive negotiations, the L.A. Derby Dolls have come on board as advice columnistas in our all-new Q&A feature, Ask a Derby Doll.™

The inaugural edition of Ask a Derby Doll features the lovely and talented Markie D. Sod for your question-answering and advice-giving pleasure. Markie is a blocker for the LADD’s still-undefeated Tough Cookies. What’s more, she brings a perspective that is expert, as well as brutal: Markie not only mows down opposing jammers on the banked track, but holds a doctoral degree in human sexuality as well (seriously).

The doctor, dear readers, is in. Send all desperate questions and lovelorn inquiries to [email protected], and I will forward the choicest (and/or least grotesquely tasteless) of them along to our Doll du jour. Watch this space in a week’s time for Markie’s hard-hitting yet heart-savvy advice.

As we dive head-first into the (admittedly brief) rainy season here in Los Angeles, let us take pause and remember the sage words of one Manhattan jukebox caretaker before putting that next rain-drizzled or otherwise beer-soaked Washington into an unassuming robot for a rousing singalong of “Magic Carpet Ride” followed by a lush, lavish Jeff Lynne-penned exercise in arpeggios. To be sure, from Grasshopper to Joker and all points in between, Damp $ Will Fuck Up The Jukebox. :(

Hollywood Drink Prices By The People, For The People

We’ve been talking about doing something like this for well over a year and it is now time to get it out the door. Please bookmark this page. May it serve you when planning how much money to bring (or not to bring) the next time you hit the live music circuit. With any luck we’ll eventually be able to tell who’s doing things right, who’s doing things so-so, and who’s shafting everybody in the ass indiscriminately across the board.

The next time you go to a show you need to remember:

1. Where were you
2. What was the date
3. Who was playing
4. What drink did you order
5. Which bar did you order from
6. How much did it cost
7. Any other pertinent information (How was the drink? etc)

The ‘which bar’ category has been added based on the fact that within venues themselves, some bars offer drinks not available at the other bars. Example, beers are available in super big gulp sizes at the downstairs bars at Spaceland and Roxy but not at the upstairs bars. You get the idea.

Every time you see a show and order at least one drink, come back to this page and add your info to the comment section. Every week or so, we’ll update the master list with your input, sorting by venue then by date within venue. If this takes off we may eventually have a serious resource on our hands here, and we will database it. If it doesn’t take off, we’ll then know you are all (a) lazy or (b) non-boozers. Either way we win; demo data is prettymuch invaluable these days. I’ll start the chart with last night’s show and a recent foray at the Troubadour. Let’s do this, people! Price guide after the jump.
»continue reading The Los Angeles Live Venue Drinking Price Guide

Recently Jeannette stumbled upon a rare, yet acute, strain of Koreatown English which we are more than happy to pass on to you, faithful reader, with the hopes that you may – if nothing else – call the FDA Seafood Hotline for more information. At the end of the day, the oyster consequently in constitution which is the possibility of getting up and allergie.

Dear Bene Bene Truck: The front page of today’s LAT California section advises that “43% in the state and 53% in L.A. speak a different language [than English] in their private lives.” Can it be true?
-Curious in Culver

Dear “Curious in The Culvers”: Non credi una parola di quell’assurdità . Siamo tutti molto fluenti in inglese. Ieri giusto un bambino ha camminato fino me e nello Spagnolo perfetto ordini,

“Bene bene señor quisiera por favor un gelato de mascarpone y dos de nutella. ¿Perchance usted tiene melocotón? ¿Sí? Entonces hágale el nutella tres, el mascarpone, cuatro, y un melocotón. Y una vainilla.”

Così vedete, esso siete possibili affinchè tutti noi vi capiate. Devo essere disinserito; Ho un appoiontment sotto il radar e non posso coincidere. Godspeed!, BENEBENEBENE