OBJECTIVE
Purchase large piñata for upcoming birthday party

GEOGRAPHIC DIRECTIVE / MISSION-CRITICAL ADVICE
Purchase said piñata in piñata district loosely centered around Olympic and Central. Do not get sidetracked by fresh fruit, nuts, chapulines, unappetizingly-piled meters of donglike chorizo or, worst of all, the ever-popular taco truck cleverly buried within the piñata stalls

BUDGET
$12
»continue reading An Afternoon At The Piñata District

ABOVE: A paparazzo captures Morrissey arriving at STK The Belmont on La Cienega, Monday, April 14. What is that, a Jag? Aston Martin?

UPDATE: Our resident TMZ-enthusiast Sung comments that according to his press reps, El Mozzerino did not visit STK, but was in fact dropping in on The Belmont near it on La Cienega. Nice to see the former LA resident opting for the available free after-hours meter curbside parking instead of going with the valet. No comment from them on the make of car he arrived in, nor the brand of those jeans.

Certainly no stranger to the dining offerings of LA, why ol’ Mozzer would patronize a restaurant known primarily for its steaks and a house speciality of foie gras French toast is somewhat puzzling.

Dude looks in decent shape for coming up on 49 (admittedly the quiff is a bit depleated these days) but seems like he’s dressing like every other Hollywood club douche these days. Are those Diesel jeans?

The good news, though, is that he demontrates to young ladies some pointers on how to minimize crotchal exposure on the standard emerging-from-car paparazzi crotch shot. See how he emerges one leg at a time so as to not angle one’s crotch to the photog? Furthermore, he angles his left hand strategically to block the crotchal region.

Shot pulled from Contact Music. Full set here.

“Baby Got Back”
The corner of Pico and Fairfax, 3/8/08
Credit: Matthew

Kudos Matthew for not only capturing the ubiquitous Dickies™ Bench ad and the unfortunately-placed pedestrian, but also for dredging up my craptastic-phone-photo- infatuated past and shining the harsh light of day on it for all to see. Yes friends, craptastic has been and remains the name of the game. They didn’t put those tiny, crappy cameras into your telephones for nothin’! Got a craptastic cell phone photo the world must see? Fire it off to craptastic@losanjealous.com for consideration. Operators are standing by.

Well, that didn’t take long:

Five of these Kermies belong together
Five of these Kermies are dressed as one.
But one of these Kermies is calling it “Bullshit”
Can you help me spot-which-one?
And now my song is done.

Melrose at Fairfax this time. Again, modified. Fess up, which one of you guys called bullshit on Supreme’s laughable viral campaign? Don’t make me call LA Taco. Seriously, somebody go dig up the culprit on wooster and share for the greater good; things are busy this week.

PREVIOUSLY IN STOLEN TREASURED ICONS USED FOR HALF-ASSED MARKETING CAMPAIGNS
» Your Weekend Poster Snapshot

5.55pm. Ring! Mmmyellow? No, escort service, I already told you I’ll be canceling that order for the two middle-aged, slightly chunky Malaysian sisters this evening. Yes, I realize that’s my Valentine’s Day weekend tradition, but this year I have kick-ass social plans instead. Wait, what’s so goddamned funny? Forget it, I’ve got to run. Click.

6.05pm. Well, Gentlemen’s Delight may not believe me, but Losanjealous readers know well that DF does indeed have plans for V-day weekend: an extra-special invite to the L.A. Derby Dolls bout between the Sirens and the Tough Cookies. Untold excitement awaits, and who knows, perhaps I can convince a lovely derby girl to be my bloody valentine!

6.43pm. As I stride through glorious Historic Filipinotown, I perform a mental check to assure that every sartorial and hygienic detail is in order. Powder-blue tuxedo? Check. Curly locks aqua-netted into the increasingly, if bafflingly, popular white-guy afro? Check. Binaca breath spray? Check. Additional Binaca breath spray? Check. Still more Binaca? Check and mate. I’m ready for action!
»continue reading Love & Bruises: L.A. Derby Dolls @ The Doll Factory, 2/16/08

MEXICAN MASKED WRESTLING, SAUCY STRIPTEASE AND KATO KAELIN! WTF?
Pam’s liver sponsored by El Jimador Tequila.

Tuesday night was the first of three Lucha Va Voom shows at the Mayan Theatre downtown. These are the valentine-themed “Love is in the Air” performances, but I think there were more tequila fumes in the air than love. I have been to several Lucha Va Voom shows; this was not my favorite. [That’s the hangover talking. -ed] Although, a so-so Lucha Va Voom show is still 158% better than “Law and Order SVU” reruns on my couch. I definitely recommend checking out the final night Thursday.

OK, readers, these desperate e-mails to DF asking for V-day weekend suggestions must end. “Bald pate—no date!” “Must impress mate or suffer sad fate!” “Full of self-hate—plan to stay at home and masturbate!” Enough! While the implication that I am a source of sage wisdom is rather flattering and not entirely inaccurate, I am not, repeat NOT, an advice columnist. I can only relate my own personal Valentinesque plans. So in the interest of full disclosure, and at the risk of stating the obvious, let it be known that DF will be spending this Saturday eve at the LA Derby Dolls’ HQ in Historic Filipinotown.

Why? Well, partly because I’m hoping to run into Cory Aquino, Imelda Marcos, or any of the other historic Filipinos who call the area home. I love those bitches. But mostly because there’s going to be an ass-whooping match between the 2007 season champion Sirens and the undefeated-in-2008-albeit-through-only-a-single-game-which- makes- “undefeated” -a-bit-misleading Tough Cookies. Yes, readers, DF is always where the love is at. You are free to follow suit by purchasing derby tix here. But please, no stalking.

Photo (C) 2008 Boss Hogg. All rights reserved.

ROLL ON…
» Pain in the Rain: LA Derby Dolls ‘08 Kickoff Bout @ The Doll Factory, 1/26/08
» Blood & Fishnets: L.A. Derby Doll Championship Bout @ The Doll Factory, 12/8/07
» Bitches on Wheels: L.A. Derby Dolls @ The Doll Factory, 11/17/07
» Roller Derby Madlibs

5.32pm. The night is cold, dreary. Rain drives down without cease. DF’s spirits are as low as the weather is gloomy. Usually when I’m in a mood like this, I just head down the street to Jumbo’s Clown Room and chug Zima until the blues abate. But DF is persona non grata there after causing some … unpleasantness last week. Looks like I’ll just have to engage in the usual Saturday eve Cointreau-and-pork-ribs binge. Then it hits me: there is salvation. Tonight is the L.A. Derby Dolls kick-off bout at the Doll Factory. Fight Crew v. Tough Cookies. Historic Filipinotown and hot roller derby action, here I come!

6.53pm. Arrival at the Doll Factory always lifts my spirits. I so cherish the waiting in line, the personal-injury-waiver-signing, the aggressive pat-down, the—what the shit!?!?! Do my eyes deceive me or is that a Hot Dog on a Stick truck parked right outside the venue? Bellowing like a banshee, I relinquish my place in line and charge to the counter, scattering waiting patrons hither and yon. “Corn dog me”, I demand, and the hilariously accoutred salesgirls accommodate. I devour dog after dog, vaguely aware of but basically indifferent to the phallic connotations, and when I am sated I leave behind a pile of twenty-seven corn dog-less sticks in my wake.
»continue reading Pain in the Rain: LA Derby Dolls ‘08 Kickoff Bout @ The Doll Factory, 1/26/08

The razing of Kowboyz, a formerly dingy, poorly-lit shack offering overpriced used western wear, boots-as-far-as-the-eye-can-see and a robust serving of Lynchian vibes for anyone brave enough to stumble through its brightly-painted door at 8050 Beverly, occurred yesterday morning. (citysearch) (yelp) (LA Weekly)

After the jump: Kowboyz’ Last Stand.
»continue reading “Kowboyz” Finally Blessed With Merciful Razing

6.48pm. Los Anjealous, CA. DF strolls along the streets of Historic Filipinotown* (or, as city officials are trying to amusingly re-brand it, “Hi-Fi”) for a triumphant return to the Valley of the Dolls. On the slate is an event so momentous it would make even the Pope of Rome crap his cassock. You know what I’m talking about: it’s the Los Angeles Derby Dolls 2007 Championship Bout. Fight Crew v. Sirens. Evil Stewardesses v. Bad Policewomen. Truly, an epic evening awaits.

»continue reading Blood & Fishnets: L.A. Derby Doll Championship Bout @ The Doll Factory, 12/8/07

Inquiry: What response would denizens of Los Angeles exhibit in response to the presence of a male wearing grossly inapposite attire (viz., a western-style cowboy hat) at various popular area venues?

Background: Sociohistorically speaking, hat-wearing among American males varies along a number of axes, both geographical (compare, e.g., prevalence of hat-wearing in rural areas v. relative dearth in urban regions) and temporal (compare, e.g., prevalence of fedoras during 1950s and 60s v. popularity of band “Men Without Hats” in 1980s).

Currently, hat-wearing is en vogue among urban males occupying the coveted 18-34 age bracket. The light straw fedora, in particular, enjoys popularity as a fashionable accoutrement. Sightings of this practice have been reported with particular frequency in the restaurants and bars on Franklin across from the Scientology Center.

At their inception, all clothing trends test the boundary between brash novelty and shameful overreaching. Fashionistas come up with innovations, and these trickle down into the general population thanks largely to the vanguard of city-dwellers intrepid enough to serve as vehicles of sartorial innovation. This experiment seeks to identify the extent to which the threshold past which accessorization ceases to be novel and instead becomes simply absurd.
»continue reading The Great Cowboy Hat Experiment

Cheers!

A papered wall printed with Spanish moss hanging from tall trees separates tasteful titty-pink satin drapes. An itty-bitty day-glo airplane hangs above the four-flag centerpiece. The table is set with Franciscan’s apple pattern and fancy golden-rimmed glassware. Pickles and olives are waiting to be eaten.
»continue reading Charles Phoenix’s Slide of the Week: Bon Voyage Party, Long Beach, CA 1955

Today, we delve into the past - something we rarely do - and examine the “Greatest Halloween Hits” ever to have graced the Losanjealous website. Join us now as we stroll through an incredibly foolish, oft-scary-as-fuck memory lane…

2005: Five fools nearly tip over a rowboat, Hollywood Forever Cemetery

2005: Bill DeMarco experiences difficulty finding a pimp costume for Halloween

2005: Baconwrapped hot dog vendors at Dia De Los Muertos Festival fall prey to massive sting operation orchestrated by LAPD
»continue reading Great (?) Moments in Losanjealous Halloween History

Every week Blake and readers just like him send me grainy, blurry, sometimes horribly-framed yet always interesting photos of life in Los Angeles as seen through the lenses of their trusted telephones. Every week, never fail. Join us now, won’t you, as we take a look at the latest offerings…From Blake’s Phone.

I couldn’t resist proof of what we all know every nail lady in town is thinking: “If you could read my mind you wouldn’t be here” on my Treo 650. (read more)

After the jump: More phone-enabled digitally preserved moments and your submission instructions.
»continue reading From Blake’s Phone: Toenails, Mayhem After Hours, Ducks Galore

»continue reading Portuguese Cove: A Palos Verdes Moment