As mentioned some time back, Depeche Mode To Jack Up Tinseltown Traffic Today With Free Concert Featuring Bleeps, Bloops, Much More. See you out there. I’ll be sporting my brand-new “I drove two hours into the desert and all I got was this flask” flask featuring striking pen-and-ink likenesses of living legends Paul McCartney, Leonard Cohen, My Bloody Valentine, Silversun Pickups, Moz, MIA, The Cure and $teve Aoki.
On Friday night after work I dragged my tired ass to Critical Mass, my first experience riding in non-formation with other bikers for blocks and blocks. When I lived in San Francisco, I would get wistful when Critical Mass rolled around, since my mountain bike was stolen from a second-floor balcony by some soulless spider-man and I didn’t bother to replace it. So I finally went to check it out, arriving at the Wilshire & Western Metro stop slightly after the designated “show up” time and well before the thing got rolling.
We rode north, which was nice because I had plans later and they were to (a) scarf a Skooby’s dog and (b) meet a friend in North Hollywood to catch a ride to Spaceland. So heading up Western, cutting over to Cahuenga, continuing north to Hollywood Boulevard … all good. Very, very good. I split off from the group at Hollywood and also managed to lose track of two friends around dusk, about 8:15. So I got a half-hour communal ride in, and it was a lot of fun. But I have two questions:
»continue reading The Bicycle Brief, Chapter 3: Friday Night Mass
If you’re a biker in L.A. who’s even remotely afraid of ending up in traction, you know of the constant struggle to find the least undesirable option in getting from point A to point B. Sometimes you choose wrong and nearly get pushed into traffic by the very people who are supposed to protect and serve, like I did on Saturday.
Riding on Melrose east of Fairfax is one of my worst nightmares, so I was taking alleys, even though they’re filled with potholes and scary Dumpster detritus. As I got closer to the the hot dog-scented intersection of Melrose and La Brea, though, I started to bike on the sidewalk alongside Melrose, stopping at a red light before La Brea. As the light changed (including a walk light), a cop car on my right stopped just short of the street, taking up the entire width of the crosswalk I was about to cross.
»continue reading The Bicycle Brief, Chapter 2: Invisible Bike (Non Lolcat Version)
May 12-16 is Bike to Work Week, and it looks like the weather here will be accommodating as usual. So take this opportunity to leave behind L.A.’s bumper-to-bumper traffic and get on the side of the greasy, dirty road — permanently if possible. It’s easier than you might think.
Every week for me is bike-to-work week, because I have done the unthinkable and decided to live without a car in Los Angeles. I’ve biked sporadically for a few years, but since my Honda went to compact heaven in January, I’ve adjusted to a new reality: riding to work every day whether I feel like it or not, biking to grab dinner when I’m so hungry I can’t see straight, and tempting fate on the way home from bars/parties. The past few months have been eye-opening, and the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that only about 2% of drivers know what to do when they encounter a bike. I have been car-doored, honked at, sneered at. One morning I almost wiped out a squirrel, which really entertained a woman driving in the opposite direction. I’ve been mentally filing away run-ins with idiotic drivers and other dangers, and I’ll be checking in here with some tales as well as detailing the latest reasons for swearing at motorists.
»continue reading In Celebration of “Bike To Work” Week
It is admittedly not every day one has enough free time to upload a goddam blog article while behind the wheel. Yesterday’s “7″ should have served as sufficient foreshadowing, but did I heed the warning signs? Did I?!? Do the math denizen, I’m blogging in my goddam car choking on diesel someplace on Sawtelle. Where’s the bar? Good luck out there.
Evening CommuteScale® Key
As a non-subtle reminder Losanjealous constantly mines, sorts and processes the cruddiest cell phone photos ever taken, weekly, for your cheap enjoyment. Friday, the week’s most egregious is bestowed the honor CRAPTASTIC CELL PHONE PHOTO OF THE WEEK.
Only in Los Angeles. This week’s winner was captured via Palm Treo by a reader who prefers to remain anonymous. Unfortunately I have no clue as to where this was taken. What I do know is that the e-mailed submission was date-stamped around midnight last Friday. Tonight, Friday, at midnight, think of me and send me a few fucking terrible photos from your phone device. Won’t you, please.
After the jump, your photo submission instructions and THE FIRST PUBLISHED PHOTO from my all-new, non-RAZR, 2-megapixel, autoflash-inclusive device: An unbelievable capture from last night’s free Midnight Movies gig @ the Hammer.
(WARNING: TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY SFW….YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS THIS ONE…SERIOUSLY THIS IS FUCKING SFW Y’ALLS…CAVEAT LOOKTOR….VIEWER BEWARE)
»continue reading Craptastic Cell Phone Photo of the Week: The Love Of My Life
I’m not going to lie, friends. At 2pm: I drove around the block. Things were getting sticky. At 3pm: Again I drove around the block. Things were getting hairy. At present, the 7/03 Evening CommuteScale® Level is:
[4pm Pacific Standard time]. This is, as it turns out, completely unsurprising given the fact that July 3 is the second deadliest driving day of the year*. The alleys are your friends. Know them intimately or stay in the minor leagues and be home by 11pm.
*[Fatality stats courtesy Taco via blogging.LA]
July 2: Canada Day Hangover
Expect the ratio of sleepy, hungover Canadians rising to greet the evening to be in direct proportion to those still sleeping it off. As a result, the 7/02 Evening CommuteScale® Level is:
The alleys are your friends. Know them intimately or stay in the minor leagues and be home by 830pm.
Evening CommuteScale® Key after jump
»continue reading Eye on Traffic: Hungover Canadians To Make No Fucking Difference Whatsoever To Commute
Verbatim insta-message transmitted sixteen minutes ago from resident Losanjealous office lackey to my laptop here in the Sandalwood Conference Room at the Marina Del Rey Courtyard Marriott:
[10:01] intern287: Yo it’s iDay!!!
[10:01] intern287: leaving at 3 !!!!!!!!!!
No two ways about it, the iPhone seekers are bound to make things hairy this evening. The alleys are your friends. Know them intimately or stay in the minor leagues and be home by 9. Also, our offices will apparently be closing at 3pm today. Re-route deliveries accordingly.
LOSANJEALOUS (Losanjealous):: One of our hundred-dozen field reporters sends in these topical, in-the-moment photos of the items currently serving time on Sunset as they await Sir McCartney and Ms. Hilton, respectively….[WARNING: PARIS LOITERERS AFTER THE JUMP]
»continue reading BREAKING OPERATION CLUSTERFUCK UPDATE: Pianos, People Await Parisian-British Co-Invasion
A clusterfuck of epic proportions is likely to happen this evening as two people who are no strangers to being mobbed will descend on Sunset Boulevard and make getting mobbed (and stuck in traffic) just as easy for everyone else in the area. It’s the very Hollywood-appropriate perfect storm of celebrity, and no one, not even George Clooney’s beard hairs, could get out unscathed.
Perhaps while Paul McCartney is getting strummy at Amoeba and Paris Hilton is getting chummy with Larry King at CNN next door, some cloud of toxic soda spray from the Jack in the Box across the street will waft down Cahuenga and blind all Hollywood paparazzi and celebrity stalkers in one fell swoop. At the very least, it’ll gum up their cameras.
»continue reading Parisian-British Co-Invasion!
On This Day in 1939, ‘Dord’ was discovered to be a made-up word in the dictionary. Unsurprisingly, traffic responded accordingly this morning by dording every major 10 freeway artery in sight. From the knowledgebase:
On July 31, 1931, Austin M. Patterson, Webster’s chemistry editor sent in a slip reading “D or d, cont./density.” This was intended to add “density” to the existing list of words that the letter “D” can abbreviate. The slip somehow went astray, and the phrase “D or d” was misinterpreted as a single, run-together word: dord. (This was a plausible mistake because headwords on slips were typed with spaces between the letters, making “D or d” look very much like “D o r d”.) A new slip was prepared for the printer and a part of speech assigned along with a pronunciation. The word got past proofreaders and appeared on page 771 of the dictionary around 1934.
Some years later…
On February 28, 1939, an editor noticed “dord” lacked an etymology and investigated. Soon an order was sent to the printer marked “plate change/imperative/urgent”. The word “dord” was excised and the definition of the adjacent entry “Dore furnace” was expanded from “A furnace for refining dore bullion” to “a furnace in which dore bullion is refined” to close up the space. Gove wrote that this was “probably too bad, for why shouldn’t dord mean ‘density’?”
Above: Residents seethe at morning gridlock and ponder ways to casually slip “dord” into a conversation today.
Thomas Guide Map Coordinates: Page 561, Grid 4H
Crane from Construction Fell Down Blocking Trffc Lanes 1:01 PM
Message/Item Delivered LA Fire Department Op#85 1:02 PM
Per Reporting Party, Crane Fell on Top of Vehicles 1:03 PM
Sigalert Issued on Blue and Bb Updated 1:19 PM
CHP Unit Enroute 4:22 PM
Media Camera Coverage Shows 405 Still Shutdown Completely*secondly, on Scene Caltrans
Says 405 Roadway Still Shutdown*please Advise
CHP Unit on Scene 4:35 PM
Per S3 Contact S4 and Have Him Tell the Caltrans Liason We Need the North 405 Main Portion Open It Has not Been Done Yet and Traffic is Still at a Stand Still-Message/Item Delivered 56-S4 Copies and Has Notified Caltrans Liason,,, Addl 102 and 404 Are Over at Mulholland and Still in the Process of Trying to Get Traffic Open
Above: Commuters enjoy Santa Monica Blvd after having determined some hours ago Friday’s homeward drive to be “holy fucked beyond all rational belief”
WEST SIDE (Losanjealous) ::: Area residents seethed Tuesday morning as traffic slowed to a crawl on Mayor Villaraigosa’s 54th Birthday. Born Antonio Ramon Villar, Jr. on January 23, 1953, the first Latino mayor of Los Angeles since Cristobal Aguilar in 1872 will celebrate his entry into the world by attending the State of the Union speech in Washington.
Above: Westside residents enjoy an increase in traffic thanks in no small part to the birth of Antonio Ramon Villar, Jr. (the first Latino mayor of Los Angeles since Cristobal Aguilar in 1872) on January 23, 1953.
WEST SIDE (Losanjealous) ::: Area residents braced for war Tuesday morning as traffic slowed to a crawl the day following the birth of MarÃa del Rosario Pilar MartÃnez Molina Baeza in either 1941 or 1951. The gridlock occurred presumably as a result of the birth of Flemish painter Lucas Achtschellinck (Brussels, 1626). Achtschellinck, a follower of Rubens, was unavailable for comment.
Above: Westside residents enjoy an increase in traffic thanks in no small part to the birth of Flemish painter Lucas Achtschellinck in 1626.
On This Day in Either 1941 or 1951 Depending on Who You Ask, MarÃa del Rosario Pilar MartÃnez Molina Baeza, also known as Charo in some circles, was born. Let us collectively thank Charo, Mario Van Peebles, Austrian playwright Franz Grillparzer, Wikipedia The Website and the good Doctor Martin Luther King (Jr) for all being born on this day, for they have cumulatively graced our fair city with a brief, honey-glazed traffic respite.
Above: Residents enjoy a break from traffic thank to the birth of MarÃa del Rosario Pilar MartÃnez Molina Baeza in either 1941 or 1951.
As a bald, 51 year-old Bruce Willis once again dons the smug grimaces and multiple bodily fluid-soaked wife-beater to reprise the role of John McClain, a put-upon ex-cop forced repeatedly into situations he did not create but must finish, airline passengers and airport workers are advised that they will be inconvenienced during filming around LAX.
Live Free or Die Hard, the 4th and most unnecessary installment of the Die Hard franchise (originally titled Die Hard IV: Back In Hot Water) will fuck shit up, trafficwise, during the following periods:
Thurs. Nov. 2 – Sun. Nov. 5; Wed. Nov. 8 – Sun. Nov. 12; and Sat. Nov. 18 – Sun. Nov. 19
During all periods, Imperial Highway is scheduled to be closed in both directions between Nash Street and Aviation Blvd. from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m.; and the westbound lanes closed an additional three hours until 7 p.m.
While plot details are not known at press time, an unidentified source told us that it is “like Die Hard meets Speed but at the airport.” Futher spoiling it for potential movie-goers, the production company revealed in its letter of intent and permit applications that it will use “pyrotechnics and ‘gunfire for the entire time’ of the filming and ‘there will be larger explosions’ with accompanying smoke early morning of Sundays, Nov. 5 and 12.” So now that you know there will be gunfire, pyrotechnics, and “larger explosions with accompanying smoke,” you can decide whether or not to throw $11.50 at this.
When you’re stuck in traffic, you can call the PR contact Nancy Suey Castles at (310) 646-5260 just to say “hi.”
As I sat in my car on the way to Belle and Sebastibowl ‘06 it came to me. Santa Monica to Hollywood. 12.7 miles. 1.5 hours. 1.5 hours. 12.7 miles. 12.7 miles. 1.5 etc.
I am seriously. Seriously considering going the motorcycle route. Oh yeah. I want to be one of those guys who shares lanes, scares the bejesus out of everybody he passes and arrives windy fresh and on time, every time.
12.7 miles. 1.5 hours. This after even my shiftiest of crosstown maneuvers. Missed most of the Shins set. Didn’t matter. The evening was stellar. Arriving at the bowl was akin to a family reunion: Suddenly I’m surrounded by old coworkers, new acquaintences. New faces I would know well before night’s end. Even Dave Hart was there.
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