On the LAm: Carmen Cabrera
Name: Carmen Cabrera
Height: 5’ 4″
Weight: 135 pounds
Date of Birth: 11/14/60
Wanted For: Murder
After a long-term romance with Carmen Cabrera, her boyfriend decided to call it off. Wrong move. The 39-year old mamacita, armed with a .38 Special, ended the relationship on her own terms.
If you’re a guy in a longterm relationship with a woman in her late 30s, whatever you do, do not break up with her. Marry her or wait it out until she realizes she should dump your sorry ass. But DO NOT BREAK UP WITH HER. She will murder you.
If it’s been three years and you haven’t made a move, she’s already plotting your death. Play the “it’s not you, it’s me” card and you may escape with a quick and painless execution. Explain how you met a 22-year old who really understands you and your demise will make the torture scene from Reservoir Dogs look like a Muppet Babies tea party.