Name: Unknown
Descent: Hispanic
Sex: M
Height: 5′11″
Weight: 190 pounds
Wanted For: Robbery / Takeover / Hijack
Latino male…check
6 foot, buck ninety…check
Dodgers lid…check
Detectives, you may want to bring in a certain utility infielder from a certain local sports team to the station for questioning.
Ramon Martinez Player Info
More info from the LAPD
Name: Izhik Kadi Finase
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown
Height: 5′11″
Weight: 160 pounds
Date of Birth: Nov 10, 1970
Wanted For: Forgery
Suspect obtained two counterfeit checks totaling $47,800. Suspect opened a bank account at Glendale Federal Bank, deposited the checks and then began withdrawing funds from various ATM machines. Suspect obtained $3,869 prior to the bank discovering the checks were counterfeit.
Suspect then made beeline to Venice Beach and actually bought one of those 10 for $3 “I’m the Boss” t-shirts with the angry, tilted newsboy hat-wearing cartoon duck.
Hair: Unknown
Eyes: Unknown
Height: 5′08″
Ears: Enormous
Weight: 160 pounds
Age: 20-30
Wanted For: Bank Robbery
The suspect enters the bank and using a demand note asks for “Fiftys and Hundreds”. Tellers may not hear a word he says because they will be transfixed on his enormous ears. He simulates a weapon by putting his hand near his hip. Again bank employees might not even notice due to the suspect’s distractingly enormous ears. He then puts the money into his front pant pocket and flees on foot. Observers will wonder 1) how much wind resistance his enormous ears must be causing, 2) how he manages not to trip over his enormous ears, or 3) both. He is believed to be in the area, possibly living in mo–HOLY CHRIST I CAN’T GET OVER HOW FUCKING ENORMOUS HIS EARS ARE!!!
Name: Stephen Albert Briller
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown
Height: 5′10″
Weight: 190 pounds
Date of Birth: May 7, 1960
Wanted For: Grand Theft
Dear LAPD,
I believe I have information on the whereabouts of Stephen Briller who has been a member of your Most Wanted List since November 2004.
Briller is currently serving two consecutive life sentences in Nevada.
Also, he was sentenced in August 2002.
Regards,
Losanjealous
File Name: pio_essay.pdf
Size: 339 KB (347,769 bytes)
Type: Adobe Acrobat 7.0 Document
Wanted For: Discontinuity
The Los Angeles Police Department is conducting its third annual essay contest for local 6th, 7th and 8th grade students. Much detailed attention is paid to contest rules and requirements but take a good look at the poster image. Zoom into the file or print the pdf and see how many inconsistencies can you find.
Answers:
Bonus Points:
Did you also notice…
Name: Raynard Watts
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown
Height: 6′01″
Weight: 190 pounds
Date of Birth: 10/14/61
Wanted For: Grand Theft
Don’t waste another day! Achieve financial freedom, the Raynard Watts Way!!! Discover how real estate can build your wealth and let you live the way you’ve always wanted…with NO MONEY DOWN. Using Raynard’s techniques, you’ll learn to:
Act now and Raynard will teach you how to look just like this emoticon: :-\
Name: Unknown
Hair: Brown/Gray
Descent: Hispanic
Eyes: Brown
Height: 5′6″ - 5′8″
Weight: 200 - 280 pounds
Age: 30-35 years old
Oddities: Large fleshy hands, “Potato-shaped” nose, unshaven, pot belly, and strong odor
Clothing: Black knit cap
Question: Which of these composite sketches is associated with the above description?
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One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn’t belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?
Answer: Trick question! They’re all drawings of the same suspect.
Also, Detectives: character actor Jon Polito might be your man
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Name: Carmen Cabrera
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown
Height: 5′ 4″
Weight: 135 pounds
Date of Birth: 11/14/60
Wanted For: Murder
After a long-term romance with Carmen Cabrera, her boyfriend decided to call it off. Wrong move. The 39-year old mamacita, armed with a .38 Special, ended the relationship on her own terms.
If you’re a guy in a longterm relationship with a woman in her late 30s, whatever you do, do not break up with her. Marry her or wait it out until she realizes she should dump your sorry ass. But DO NOT BREAK UP WITH HER. She will murder you.
If it’s been three years and you haven’t made a move, she’s already plotting your death. Play the “it’s not you, it’s me” card and you may escape with a quick and painless execution. Explain how you met a 22-year old who really understands you and your demise will make the torture scene from Reservoir Dogs look like a Muppet Babies tea party.
Name: Vanessa Etourneau
Height: 5′ 9″
Weight: 125 pounds
Hair: Blonde
Eyes: Hazel
Wanted For: Grand Theft Property
Forget the LAPD’s Most Wanted List. Vanessa Etourneau just made my most wanted list. She speaks six languages, dresses sharply and has excellent penmanship (as evidenced by check forgery to the tune of $136K). What’s not to like? Oh yeah, she might steal my shit and skip town.
When Vanessa is caught she will reinforce my stereotype, built from years of movie watching, that all female prisoners are total hotties who take showers all day when they aren’t getting into topless catfights or being mistreated by a corrupt lesbian warden. And of course, a wrongly-imprisoned hottie will eventually orchestrate a dramatic jailbreak (somehow leveraging Vanessa’s language and forgery skills), but not before giving the warden a taste of her own medicine.
Name: Shoshana Shambi
Height: 5′ 8″
Weight: 170 pounds
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown
Wanted For: Insurance Fraud and Defrauding the Department of Motor Vehicles
When you look like LaToya Jackson circa 1991, you gotta take advantage. First, head over to the DMV and get your new drivers license. If they ask for an alternative form of identification break out a copy of LaToya’s Bad Girl album. While you’re waiting for your ID, have an accomplice load up on Bodily Injury Liability, Medical Payments and Collision Insurance. Once everything’s in place, ram the shit out of your partner’s car and get the hell out of Dodge. Live it up with your share of the claim money while you can, because the real present day LaToya has psychic powers and knows exactly where you’re hiding out.
Name: Phillip Cho
Height: 5′ 11″
Weight: 160 pounds
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown
Oddities: Light Complexion
Sargeant: Put out an APB on a Phillip Cho…black hair…brown eyes…medium build…
Officer: Any distinguishing features? Scars, tattoos, physcial abnormalities?
Sargeant: Yes, the suspect has a light complexion.
Officer: But sarge, Phillip Cho is Korean.
Sargeant: A Black Korean? Now I’ve heard everything!
Officer: No, he’s not Black. He’s just Korean. And most Koreans have a light complexion naturally so I was just pointing out that it really isn’t an oddity. In fact, Cho’s kind of tan in this photo.
Sargeant: Most Koreans? Let’s make one thing clear–we do not tolerate racial stereotyping at the LAPD. Now put out that APB.
Officer: Yes, Sargeant.
Name: Eli Meirav
Alias: Eli Mizra
Height: 5′ 9″
Weight: 150 pounds
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown
Wanted For: Felony Hit and Run
If you enjoyed the Where’s Waldo series as a child, here’s your change to dust off your spatial recognition skills and apply them to find the Fugitive of the Week.
Somewhere in this city Eli Meirav is hiding out. You’ll think you found him a bunch of times but it’ll just be another guy wearing the same hat or a barber shop pole. After combing through the LA cityscape inch by inch you’ll ask yourself why this is so damn difficult. But just before you get violently angry a 10-year old will point him out after looking for about 10 seconds.
Name: Crystal Dawn Vigil
Alias: Goofy
Height: 5′5″
Weight: 145 pounds
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown
Wanted For: Murder
Weapon: Physical Presence
How does one defeat Crystal Dawn Vigil? Her mere physical presence is enough to kill someone.
This isn’t your simple turn-to-stone-when-you-look-directly-at-Medusa deal. The Perseus shield reflection trick doesn’t work here. This is more like when Mario powers up with a Starman giving him the ability to destroy enemies by just touching them. Only Vigil can do this from close to medium range and instead of ten seconds Vigil’s invincibility is permanent.
Long-range munitions might be the way to go here. Although it’s unclear whether Crystal Dawn loses her powers post mortem.
Name: Suzanne Berron
Alias: Barbara Anne Berron
Height: 5′5″
Weight: 115 pounds
Hair: Blonde
Eyes: Hazel
Wanted For: Grand Theft
One usually associates white collar crime with a wily CEO, a dodgy Finance Director or a shady Accounant. But nobody ever suspects the secretary. Little ol’ Suzie Berron milked her employer, Shammas Investment Corp, for 400 large. Probably right after her boss berated her for not being able to book a Friday night dinner reservation at the Ivy.
Note to LAPD detectives: don’t bother trying to find Berron at Office Max or the San Roque Post Office. These are the last types of places a disgruntled secretary with newfound wealth will visit. Try the Giggling Marlin bar in Cabo San Lucas or the Cancun Señor Frogs. This little lady is throwing back strawberry margaritas somewhere south of the border, guaranteed.
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