One Coachelluva Lineup!

The delirium experienced in 100-degree-plus weather in the desert is pithy compared to the delirium I experienced when I read about this year’s Coachella lineup. Shedding their traditional “mecca-of-emo-rock-punk-rap-indie-alt-reggae-tools-that’s-only-a-little- temperately-cooler-than-burning-man,” Coachella organizers have done something truly original—they’ve brought it back, old school. I can’t think of any other way to share my excitement, and contain my excrement, than to just lay it all out on the line. Prepare to be blown away.

Storming out of the gates on this first time three night party are headliners Toto, Spin Doctors and Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch. While this might seem less than anticipatory for Kevlar enthusiasts who really think “The Black Parade” was the best album of, like, evah, people who grew up with He-Man and She-ra will find themselves salivating on this…Hypercolor Parade.

Perhaps the best way to break down 07’s bonanza is by day. Friday, the first ever, finds us with the likes of Gerardo, Crash Test Dummies, and gangtsa favorite Akon on the mainstages. Bringing up the rear are other greats like Smashmouth, Wilson Phillips (with the now petite Carnie!), Gin Blossoms, and tweenie faves The Fray and Maroon 5. Not to be outdone, we get to jam with Sixpence None the Richer (no, no, kiss ME!), Michael Bolton and Celine Dion. Get your dancin’ shoes on for the Cherry Poppin Daddies and Paris Hilton. But, perhaps most importantly it’s the year of the summer girls, cause LFO are going to wax lyrical about Abercrombie and Fitch and Billy Shakespeare. And you know what, Rich? Chinese food makes ME sick too. I’m so glad that I get VIP passes.

Saturday is a bit mellower, filled with Enya, Amy Grant, and Paula Cole. Don’t worry, black people, Coachella didn’t forget about you! Not only will you get to treat yourself to the likes of Tevin Campbell, En Vogue, Hootie and the Blowfish AND Toni Braxton, but you’ll also get to jam with Kid ‘N Play and Kriss Kross. Talk about the dream team! But wait– Terence Trent D’arby will be serenading your sunburned bodies (do black people get sunburned?). For my Latinos, I have two words and three letters: Gloria Estefan and OMC. How bizarre!! For my Whites can we just say, BO BICE!!! Expect the smaller stages to be filled with throngs of Mmm-Boppers wiggling to Hanson, and girls with tattoos over at the CrazyTown show. For the Anglophiles, Robbie Williams will be making his Coachella debut and Bush will get you clean with Glycerine!

Sunday will be wicked. Let me just say that right out. Joey Lawrence returns from television to his first calling, and we’ll also be treated to a reunited Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Make sure to check out Shooter! If you’re into the death rock, school-shooting-superstar Marilyn Manson will be there in all his evil glory! And for the students who really felt touched at the end of the year, maybe Vitamin C will play the Graduation song! Expect the teens to head to Marcy Playground, Ashlee Simpson and Sugar Ray, while the oldies will be moshing to Jars of Clay, Powerman 5000 and Lit. Don’t think that they’ve forgotten how to get down though: I’m here to inform you that Snow will be in the house along with Kenny G. And you won’t have to walk 500 miles to see the Proclaimers, cause they’ll be onstage next to Paula Abdul (featuring MC Scat Cat). Also noteworthy are one-hits Semisonic, Avril and Duncan Shiek. And…last but not least, the Three Tenors… in the tent!

See you in April! I’ll be wearing my Boyz II Men tour shirt from 1996, and an incredulous grin. Coachella? More like Coachell-yeah!