Assistant PSA: Outing the UTA Job List Anons
The UTA Job List is like the Yankee Swap of the entertainment hiring world. It’s a little tricky to get your sides-grubbing mitts on, and “high profile” employers attempt to cockblock starhumpers by omitting the names of their companies and using reply-tos like firstname.lastname@example.org. This means that your resume might end up in the hands of Michael Bay, or of Andy Baio, “indie producer” and little brother of Scott.
However, posters will occasionally slip up and leave vital clues as to their identities, denuding them in the harsh light of modern technology (Google). Come. Let us slash the tires of Elitism and let forth the air of Mystery from the great UTA luxury sedan!
- Anonymous “Celebrity-Based Production Company.” In addition to garden variety D-girl duties, this job also involves “order fulfillment for a small clothing line.” A FilmTracker search of the email domain name (BeGoodInc) reveals that the “celebrity” in question is none other than Aryan dreamboat Paul Walker.
PRO: Free bubble wrap, all the Into the Blue by PW loincloths you can carry.
CON: All coffee to be prepared “2 Creams, 2 Sugarious.”
- Anonymous Director and Wife. The provided email address and contact (“Devin”) most likely belong to a Devin Lussier, son of Scream trilogy editor Patrick Lussier and credited assistant on Red Eye, making the anonymous director and wife… Mr. and Mrs. Wes Craven. The post specifies that this is a “Second Assistant” to the couple, and cautions that the candidate “must like (not be allergic to) cats.” Presumably, the First Assistant is an animal helper or “familiar” that suckles at Mr. Craven’s vestigial nipple.
PRO: Access to a Rolodex that includes Meryl Streep AND David Arquette.
CON: “First Assistant” is a biter.
- Dan Halsted. True, this post wasn’t anonymous, but Dan chose to omit any reference to his company or credits. Thanks to IMDB, you need not fear Dan Halsted: if you loved Garden State, you’ll love working for the the man sensitive and caring enough to co-produce it. According to his bio, Dan is a Cancer, so he’s a born nurturer… but take heed! He’ll also need to BE nurtured. The company for whom you’d most likely be xeroxing is Dan’s newly formed “Manage-ment.” Dan likes full-lipped male ingenues, baseball caps, and the haphazard use of hyphens.
PRO: Cutters welcome!
CON: Ad mentions “some personal” duties. It neglects to mention that Dan collaborates frequently with mentor Scott Rudin, and probably weeps often. “Some personal” indeed.
- Anonymous “Director/Martial Arts Choreographer.” A Google search of the email address provided reveals that the contact is one Cameron Schiller, son of Lawrence Schiller, producer of TV movies (notably, 1984’s Her Life as a Man). The same Google search also indicates that Cameron is an enthusiast of parkour, a French form of martial arts that seams mostly to consist of wearing ninja outfits and inartfully leaping over fences. Cameron indicates on a parkour page that he is looking for people in the Venice area who want to vault things with him. Could Cameron and the masked director/choreographer be one and the same?
PRO: A round-house kick to the resume!
CON: Balaclava rash.