DF has beefs (pl.=”beeves”?) with an unusually high number of geographical areas.  Rhode Island won’t speak to me after I told it that having “Providence Plantations” as part of its official name is a bullshit affectation clearly invented to overcome size-related insecurity.  I am no longer permitted in Half-Moon Bay for repeated indecent exposure (exposing a single, ample butt-cheek, obv.).  And I’ll let you guess the unpleasantness that went on in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

But there is no state, municipality, unincorporated region, zip code, or rural route that DF has more bad blood with than Arizona.  I did a three-week stint in the Yuma pokey for throwing endemic sand in the face of an adolescent hellion who beat me in skee-ball at a local Chuck E. Cheese.  I nearly died after wandering into the painted desert blind-ass drunk and apparently attempting to make sweet love to a saguaro.  Then there was the time I punched out the guy holding up a “John 3-16” sign at a Phoenix Coyotes hockey game, precipitating a melee involving all sixteen fans in attendance.  So yeah, Arizona and DF are like Ovaltine and Cointreau:  You could mix them, but the result would probably make you barf.

And now it appears that the LA Derby Dolls have embraced my longstanding feud with the Grand Canyon state and are going to be confronting foes from Arizona in a DF-related grudge match. [The Derby Dolls’ choice of opponent in this weekend’s bout has absolutely nothing to do with DF.—ed.]  For this Saturday, September 11, the all-star selection of LADD known far and wide as the Ri-ettes will take on Tucson’s equally star-studded Iron Curtain, a side that has just added two formidable skaters (Dee Ranged and Psychobabble) from Rocky Mountain Rollergirls.  So buy your damned tixes here and now and be there this weekend with DF, las Munecas de Derby de Los Angeles, and various other freaks and geeks as this geographical rivalry goes off.

To whip yourself into a further froth-mouthed frenzy of frenetic forward-looking re this weekend’s bout, check this hi-class video preview.  DF, as always, remains available for your tweeting pleasure.

Photo: Tough Cookie stalwarts Krissy Krash and STEFCON 1 in action versus the Sirens two weekends ago. Photo by Sir Clicks-a-Lot. (C) 2010 by LA Derby Dolls. All rights reserved.